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Feb 14, 07
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In the spirit of Valentine's day, nobody loves you because...
THE BOOK OF LOVE
The Baron's at your doorstep for Valentines' day, on bended knee with a wilted rose and chocolate box of frosted turds. Tired of astrology caressing your ex-lovers with glowing phrases? Here’s some dirt on the romantic and sexual failing of every zodiac sign. If you’re twisted enough to enjoy the following offering, REPOST them. Only you can send the cure for heart-disease spiralling across myspace. The following are excerpted from the Baron’s weekly astrology column, ABYSSAL EPISTLES: http://blog.myspace.com/baronsamadhi Warning: The following is toxic to the ego and will corode self-esteem. In order to avoid adverse effects, make sure to read the horoscope for someone you despise. ARIES Why No One Loves You… Well, it's not that no one loves you. They just don't love you for very long. You can attract people, you just can't keep them attracted. You try to prove your "loyalty" (actually, its your appeal you're trying to prove) by showing off what you can do for a person. "This could be yours, baby." Ultimately, you're just trying to prove yourself to yourself. Frankly, nobody else wants to be part of your narcissistic charade. In The Sack…* Dont get me wrong. Its not so much that no one wants to have sex with you. Its just that no one ever wants to have sex with you again. People find your confidence attractive until they realize its based on nothing but an edited history of failure. Perhaps being a pushy, defensive mess has enabled you to emotionally bully enough past partners into corroborating your side of the story. You are singularly capable of presenting a sexually confident image without any ability whatsoever to back it up. Good for you! Bad for them! Early ejaculation alert!* TAURUS Why No One Loves You… You Taurus? Nobody loves you because you're boring. No matter how much you try to zazz it up, you're just not very interesting. You're fun, but that wears off quickly. You make a good pillow, and sometimes good decoration, but not much more than that. Oh! You're also hideously possessive. There's that, too. So there you are: Nobody loves you because you're boring and hideously possessive. In The Sack… Ah yes. A fine meal, some entertainment, the right music and a luxurious bed-spread. I can hear the crickets chirping. Yes, this may be the time of night when the genitals come out. Its too bad that all that staging cant disguise a basic insensitivity to all but the crudest physical sensations. Whether its Bach or Barry Manilow playing, with Taurus it still comes down to the wet game of meat-on-meat. All that faux romance is just setting up their potential partner for Taurus ultimate sexual fantasy: to have a nice, thick, freshly marinated cut of steak (or tofu, for veggies!) slowly wiped up and down their generous form. Oral sex indeed. GEMINI Why No One Loves You… Well, Gemini, you're just more, well, entertaining than you are lovable. You're nice to be around, but kind of gross to touch. You know? It kinda has to do with your bifurcated nature. If we loved one of you, we'd have to hate the rest. Instead, most choose to simply stay amused by your mood swings. Nobody really wants to get too close to that nail-bomb you call a heart. In The Sack…** Geminis have a reputation for liking sex constantly. This has led some deluded fools to the belief that Geminis are hyper-sexual mavericks. Not so. Geminis make up for quality with quantity. Geminis like sex all the time because each session lasts anywhere from 2-4 minutes. Was it good for you? No. Hell no. This need to constantly do it is a pitiful and ill-fated attempt to replace quality with quantity, which, as we have learned from the morbidly obese, simply does not work. **Small weiner alert! CANCER Why No One Loves You… You wonder why, huh? Well, Cancer, attachment and caring are not the same thing as "love." You've got this idea that being loved means that someone will come live inside your little nightmare shell with you, bearing the brunt of your psychosis as if it was their own. Which it isn't. When you offer to smother them death in the same way you think you want, they run away, screaming. Or you get stuck in a stagnant little codependent puddle with them. Gross. In The Sack…*** Where to begin? Cancers tend to live in their own worlds, and in these worlds, things are a little different than the one that you and I live in. They have issues with attachment. For example: In Cancers world, surprise anal sex is just a way to say I care about you SO MUCH. So if you find that your Cancer partner is interested in spicing up your love life, just remember that to them, ball-gags and beatings mean a picket fence and marriage. ***Deformed dong warning! LEO Why No One Loves You… People actually do love you. They just don't want to let you know, and for good reason. When people open up about how much they admire you, you brush them off with an "I totally already know that" attitude. Or worse, you'll take the opportunity to seize the stage, and go on endlessly about yourself, as if being loved entitled you to be the only speaking. You do not return the love you are given. You absorb it and move on to the next sucker. You will, however, stay with someone who's interested in continuing to give blood in order to watch you perform. In The Sack… Though it is painful for the Baron to admit, Leos are not technically bad at sex. But as with everything else Leo does, has done, and will do, it is completely ruined by their egotism. Nothing kills the moment like a Leo pausing mid-thrust/lick to tell you about what they just did and how cool it was. In particularly talky cases, the Leo may go onto how it relates to who they are as a person, what they believe, where theyre going in life and... Shut up. Shut it. The Baron recommends ball-gagging a Leo before you have sex with it. VIRGO Why No One Loves You Two words: Pygmalion Complex. Pygmalion carved his ideal woman out of stone, and the gods, as a cruel joke, brought her to life. Virgo, you are either obsessed with letting people chisel you into the cold, stone form of their ideal, or hell-bent on surgically altering your partners to fit your constantly changing idea of perfection. In The Sack… Many Virgos will be swift to tell you that theyre not virgins! Ha-ha ha-ho. True, most are not virgins, but they ARE terrible at sex. Virgos are afflicted with a crippling sexual insecurity that lends itself either to a fearful form of chastity or a hideously overcompensated form of promiscuity. The promiscuous form brings all the pleasure of robotics to the act of sexual intercourse. They mechanically perform their role with inanimate sub-ecstasy. LIBRA Why No One Loves You… Why Libra? Why aren't you loved? You're the perfect partner! No, wait. You're not. The perfect partner has their own identity. You don't. All you have is a crafty skill set for appearing as someone's perfect compliment. But when the clock strikes midnight, your carriage turns back into a pumpkin, and you turn back into a co-dependent wuss with self-esteem problems. In The Sack… Suave and debonair or the sly coquette, theres nothing that terrible about sleeping with a Libra, other than the fact that you are probably the 3rd out of 5 people they will fuck that night. Yay infidelity! Yay STDs! SCORPIO Why No One Loves You.. This needs to be explained? Seriously? All right. Let's start with you consistent forays into the emotional underworld, where you become either totally unreachable, or a menstrual volcano of aborted feelings and thoughts (I'm talking to you too, fellas). How's that? It's a good reason. Or- even better! How about the fact that you fear those closest to you, and your spend time dreaming up ways you'll turn the tables when the "inevitable" betrayal occurs. That's fun! Nothing like sleeping with Stalin! Allthough you are good in bed. I'll grant you that. Well, not you. I mean the other Scorpios. In The Sack… Thank god for sluts. Good, honest, old fashioned brain-in-the-genitals-not-worth-a-shit-outside-the-bedroom sluts. The men and women of Scorpio may be a decaying morass of imploding failure in every other area of life, but they ARE good to fuck. Try one yourself. Just make sure to slip out in the middle of the night, because you DO NOT want to be there during when they wake up. Trust the Baron. The Baron knows. SAGITTARIUS Why No One Loves You... Love? Love is something that other people sometimes say they feel when they're around you. Its not really your concern. Unless you are one of the dreaded "romantic sagittariuses," which are among the worst mutants of the zodiac. Yall tend to take the elitist Sagittarian attitude into the arena of love, puffing yourself up with your completely "superior" love. Do I have to point out the contradiction here? Even worse than the dreaded "romantic Sagittarius" is the heinous "fake romantic Sagittarius," who is just as unsympathetic as your average Sagittarius, but with an understanding of the actions that people think indicate love. These imposters know the art of stealing hearts, but not the meaning. In The Sack... Sagittarius tends to combine the egotism of Leo with Aries' lack of prowess. Theyre the total package, and theyre out to let you know. Sagittarius has a truly interesting capacity to assume that they are the spitting image of the popular sex symbol of the day. A male Sagittarius looks in the mirror, sees Brad Pitt, and walks through the rest of his day thinking I AM Tyler Durden. The fact that hes mediocre looking and cant fight or fuck makes no difference whatsoever. The same goes for the ladies of Sagittarius. No girls, youre not Brittany Spears, youre some bitch buying pictures of her at the grocery store. CAPRICORN Why No One Loves You… Well, Capricorn, there are a lot of reasons no one loves you, but we've got keep this short, so I'll try to focus on number one. The number one reason no one loves you is that you don't take responsibility for your emotions with someone you're intimate with. You take responsibility for your emotions (and other people's) in virtually every other arena, but not in love. Its like love opens up this horrible portal to all the tender feelings you sent to hell a million years ago. When they're unleashed, the result is an underworld prison riot. Not attractive. In The Sack... Capricorn, like Janus, Januarys dual-faced monthly guardian, has two opposing sides: horniness and self-control. You would think that would work. You would think that Capricorn would be able to parlay these gifts into a controlled yet passionate explosion. You would think. But in truth Capricorn generally needs you to help overcome their self-control. The only thing that lets you get past Capricorns iron fisted control of their pants-pockets is generally good, old fashioned suffering. A Capricorn must either make you suffer until their twisted libido is roused or be utterly dominated to the point where they need take no responsibility for their urges. Fucked up. Fuck-ed up. AQUARIUS Why No One Loves You… Aquarius, I love you for your mind. No, wait. I don't. I respect you for your mind. And no matter how original or inspired you are, yours is still the cold light of a distant star. They can see it shining, they just can't feel it. In The Sack… Aquarius approaches sex with a cool, scientific detachment. Consciously or not, they tend to regard sex as an anthropological experiment. I suppose the actual act is alright if you dont mind being interrupted to discuss the theoretical implications of penis/vagina, penis/penis, or vagina/vagina time. PISCES Why No One Loves You... Ah yes, the romantic and self-sacrificing Pisces. Why would no one love you? You're self-sacrificing, affectionate, wise, and variety of other things people say they want. But you're not doing it for them. You're doing it for yourself. So often Piscean acts of devotion are only to appease their raging conscience. A sense of constant guilt spurs Pisces most famous sacrifices. Martyrdom based on a narcissitic need to appear beautiful only involves others tangentially. In The Sack… The only way you are getting into Pisces fishy drawers is if you are willing to play a role in their insane personal drama. If the Pisces believes that either you are a God, Goddess, angel, demon, Bilbo Baggins or Cinderella, you might just have a decent roll in the hay. On the other hand, if you would like to keep you emotional life from complete and utter destruction, Id steer clear. If you’re twisted enough to enjoy the preceding offering, REPOST them. Only you can send the cure for heart-disease spiralling across myspace. The preceding were excerpted from the Baron’s weekly astrology column. ABYSSAL EPISTLES: http://blog.myspace.com/baronsamadhi Disclaimer: The preceding are based on Sun-Sign alone. Though the Sun Sign is important, its only the tip of the iceberg you call your heart. 
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Feb 14, 07
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any girls that are down with narcissistic charades pm immediately.
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Feb 14, 07
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The only way you are getting into Pisces fishy drawers is if you are willing to play a role in their insane personal drama. If the Pisces believes that either you are a God, Goddess, angel, demon, Bilbo Baggins or Cinderella, you might just have a decent roll in the hay. On the other hand, if you would like to keep you emotional life from complete and utter destruction, Id steer clear.
hahahahaha
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Feb 14, 07
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Feb 14, 07
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Feb 14, 07
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CAPRICORN
Why No One Loves You… Well, Capricorn, there are a lot of reasons no one loves you, but we've got keep this short, so I'll try to focus on number one. The number one reason no one loves you is that you don't take responsibility for your emotions with someone you're intimate with. You take responsibility for your emotions (and other people's) in virtually every other arena, but not in love. Its like love opens up this horrible portal to all the tender feelings you sent to hell a million years ago. When they're unleashed, the result is an underworld prison riot. Not attractive. In The Sack... Capricorn, like Janus, Januarys dual-faced monthly guardian, has two opposing sides: horniness and self-control. You would think that would work. You would think that Capricorn would be able to parlay these gifts into a controlled yet passionate explosion. You would think. But in truth Capricorn generally needs you to help overcome their self-control. The only thing that lets you get past Capricorns iron fisted control of their pants-pockets is generally good, old fashioned suffering. A Capricorn must either make you suffer until their twisted libido is roused or be utterly dominated to the point where they need take no responsibility for their urges. Fucked up. Fuck-ed up. ....... LOL :p
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Feb 14, 07
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"The men and women of Scorpio may be a decaying morass of imploding failure in every other area of life, but they ARE good to fuck. "
at least its not all bad lol
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Feb 14, 07
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Hahaha.
Lots of fish here, I see. :)
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