i liked these ones

[crookedking]

Maritime humor

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the
wharf carrying two huge three pound live lobsters, one in each hand -
three weeks after the lobster season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of
the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and
wiggling lobsters, says, "Well bye, I got you his time - with two live
lobsters - three weeks after the season closed!"

The Newfie says, "No, my son, you are wrong! These are two trained
lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."

The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?"

Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the
wharf and I puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on
the wharf and has me a smoke or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles
and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"

"A likely story!" the Fisheries Officer says. "Let's take them on
down the wharf and see if it's true." So, the Newfie goes ahead of the
Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently
lowers both lobsters into the water. The Newfie sets on a wharf piling and
lights up a smoke, then another.

After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie,
"How about whistling?

The Newfie says "What for?"

Fisheries Officer says, "To call in your lobsters."

Newfie says, "What lobsters?"

________________________________________ ___________

Once Upon a Time ..... ..... a woman in her forties went to a plastic
surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a
small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to
tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course,
the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the
effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn
the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee then."
________________________________________ ___________________

Beethoven's Death
> >
> > When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A
> > couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the
> > cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where
> > Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest
> > to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and
> > heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
> >
> > Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
> >
> > When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
> > listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's
> > Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
> >
> > He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth
> > Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the
> > magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...
> > the Fifth..."
> >
> > Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the
> > magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had
> > gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to
> > worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."