a cure for when you are having a really bad day

jmzD · #1 (**permalink**) May 07, 03

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just
need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin
Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe
that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had
transposed the last two digits of her phone number).

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!"
and hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or
had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It
always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this
is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if
you're familiar with the caller ID program?" he yelled, "NO!" and
slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's
because you're an asshole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I
had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been
waiting for the spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so
I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling
the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had
better call ! the BMW asshole, too.

I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it
used to be.

So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1.

"Hello"

"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he
asked

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black
Beemer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole # 2:

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello Asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West
34th St. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I
saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad
cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

Now, I feel better.