jokes

[Hot Karl]

there not all that good, some i'm sure you've heard before, but i was very bored at work. some are a bit offensive, but once again it's a joke.

After the party
After a great BBQ at the boys get together, Jack awoke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of ice water on the bedside table. He sits up and sees his clothing neatly piled on a side chair, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the bedroom and sees that everything is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go pick up your bike, be home soon, Love you, Pat" So Jack drags his butt to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper waiting for him.

His daughter, who is down from college, is at the table, eating, so Jack finally asks her, " Honey, I have to ask, what happened last night?" His daughter says, "Well, your Biker friends brought you home a little after 1:00 in the morning, as you were pretty drunk and whacked out. You broke moms hall table when you fell into it, puked in the hallway, and then gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the bathroom door.

Jack, now really confused and puzzled, has to ask; "So, why is everything ok with your mom, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His daughter replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"


-What does a woman do to her husband when he's staggering around the backyard?
Reload and shoot him again.


-Your mama is so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out.



-Yesterday scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed eight pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men:

-Gained weight
-Talked excessively without making sense
-Became overly emotional
-Couldn't drive
-Failed to think rationally
-Argued over nothing
-Had to sit down while urinating
-And refused to apologize when obviously wrong

No further testing was considered necessary.





-A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink.

Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum."What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together. I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?

"He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?""Sure," she says,"if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on."Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks."Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.

He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"



-Guy's sitting next to a woman at a bar. He turns to the woman and asks, "Excuse me ma'am, can I smell your cunt?" Disgusted, the woman replies, "Certainly not!" "Oh well then," says the guy, "It must be your feet."



-Why did the Polish girl give her vibrator away?
It was chipping her teeth.


-Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask directions.

-How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part

-A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

-He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded