xmas jokes

[junglequeen]

19 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus !

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

[junglequeen]

The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

[junglequeen]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the
elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying
skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

[junglequeen]

A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective
on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men
from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so
excited he just had to tell his parents: "I learned in Sunday School
today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus
way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver
all the toys!" And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose
so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in
the sky to find their way around."

[junglequeen]

The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts,
With purchases little and large;
She doesn't believe in Santa Claus...
But she believes in Master Charge!

[junglequeen]

Why Santa cannot be a Man (Written by a woman)
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly".
Men aren't interested in stocking unless someone is wearing them.
And, being responsible for Christmas would require a COMMITMENT

[junglequeen]

http://sickjokes.about.com/library/blxmas12.htm

too long to post

[junglequeen]

It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed (off). It was Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.

Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.

He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year???"

And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the Christmas trees came to pass.

[junglequeen]

Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines

10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries...
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it ...)
3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

[junglequeen]

wow i like christmas waaaay too much



time on my hands isnt helping much either
:248:

[junglequeen]

Signs Of Trouble In Santa's Marriage


10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish
exchange students.

9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear".

8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed.

7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized
holiday Barbie.

6. His new live-in person elf valet, Steve.

5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from
New Jersey.

4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake
because he's bugged the bedroom.

3. Lately, Mrs. Claus keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she
brings the elves their morning coffee.

2. Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of
the fireplace.

1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants.

[junglequeen]

20 Ways To Make HIS Xmas XXXmas!


1. Trim his tree.

2. Lick his luscious candy cane.

3. Be his "ho-ho-ho" for the holidays.

4. Polish his christmas balls.

5. Ride him like a reindeer.

6. Taste his sweet egg-nog.

7. Deck the halls with moans of pleasure.

8. Fa, la, la, latio- la, la, la, la.

9. Spark his menorah with a hot strip tease.

10. Request a stiff stocking stuff-her!

11. Make his Kris Kringle tingle.

12. Gift wrap yourself in sexy lingere.

13. Unwrap his package.

14. Hang mistletoe from any place you want kissed.

15. Rock his jingle bells in the frosty air.

16. Make your Rudolph's hose as red as his nose.

17. Heat him up with a snow job.

18. Give the Christmas carolers a show of your own.

19. Dress up as Santa's nasty little helper.

20. Make sure you're naughty, so it's nice.

[sweet~kandy]

Sheena your always comming up with weird things to say.. LOL

*Chritsmas up your nose?*

[junglequeen]

weirdness come naturally
plus im easily amused
its quite the combination!!