a couple of jokes

[SpacEbabEE]

TO: All employees

FROM: The boss

DATE: January 28, 2000

RE: Foul Language

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!

TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . . INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned. INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?

[SpacEbabEE]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[SpacEbabEE]

The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."

[victor h.]

LoL.......that's sooooo freak'n hilarious man!!

hahahha....... it's kinda true too.....
and the meanings actually relate ^_~ hahah

[GrassHopper]

hahahahah nice jokes !!
haha!

[SpacEbabEE]

hehe...my personal fav wus "winnie the shit"