Jan 09, 04
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run freely
you run freely through my body
leaving flames in your wake you run freely through my body these feelings i shall not forsake you run freely through my body you numb my horrid pain you run freely through my body blessing me, leaving me changed. you run freely through my body bello, mi amore you run freely through my body never stop give me more. run freely through me and i through you runing freely through eachother freedom like this... i never knew. 
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Jan 09, 04
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*applause* :keebler:
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Jan 09, 04
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:kimmie:
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Jan 09, 04
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my attempt at constructive criticism:
the good news: this has a great underlying subject though my beef: using 'you' , 'me, and 'my' for starters, it's over-used taking away from the whole picture. comparing yourself to him happens in almost every line. it's clear he's giving you something. WHAT is it he's giving you? WHAT is the cause of the numbing pain? HOW is it making you feel? and so forth. bello mi amore <---very nice. :keebler: note: pm me if you can still acquire pacmans.
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Jan 09, 04
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dear goat i think ur a dumbass who needs to re read this again.
i think you me my that thurr those etc etc etc yadda yadda yadda creates the picture. he numbs my pain...how can u not understand that?> he makes me forget, when im with him its just us for millions of miles. what he gives me is solace,peace of mind,and a piping hot piece of hot with extra hot on the side. how is this making me feel? its making me feel refreshed,less jaded,happy,content,crazy,restless and the feelings go on and on and on.
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Jan 09, 04
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if i were a reader who knew nothing about you i would have no clue what 'you' or 'his' are like, what you were feeling, or even your appearence, the surrounding.
your poem doesn't illustrate how you feel happy or restless by his presence. the words 'horrid pain' come across as melodramatic, as someone crying for attention. how about 'you numb this pretentious wound' or something along those lines? here's what i'd do. you run freely through my body autum gold flames lie in your wake you run freely through my body too delicate these feelings i would forsake you run freely through my body you numb pretentious wounds you run freely through my body blessing me. leaving me renewed you run freely through my body bello, mi amore you run freely through my body never stop give me more. run freely through me synchronation your heart to mine runing freely through eachother freedom like this i thought.... only in dreams best i could do off the top of my head. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, i'd just find your writing more interesting if it was a little more drawn out.
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Jan 09, 04
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i think my writing is interesting with its vagueness...it inflicts thought in my readers... does it not?
my poem illustrates how i feel happy and restless i just dont say it in so many words...but alas that is the beauty of metaphors.
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Jan 10, 04
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yes i do u just wouldnt know what they were to be hence u dont know me...thats the beauty of metaphors;)
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Jan 10, 04
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please don't take this personally, and i'm sorry it's me who's bursting your bubble, but:
you're stupid. a metaphore is a direct comparison of two things (stronger than a simile) 95% of the time using the terms 'like' or 'as' the bursting the bubble part: you can't write for beans, not that mines any better.
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Jan 11, 04
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there are matphors there my dear...but you just cant see them.
you cant analyze poetry for beans :smoke1:
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