couple of my poems

[Burdie]

k i dont usally show people my poetry, but i thought i would post a few that arnt actualy about me.


Until death do us part

I hate what you do to me... What you make of me. I hate how I love you and how you’re the only one that seems to care, the only one that’s every there. I hate the fact that im trapped in your arms.. And how your very presence seems to chase away all that harms

I am eternally yours, like all those other fucked up abused whores.. I wait for my time knowing ill die from the shame long before… still I fight, I listen to the lore. Hoping it wont be like before. I cringe when you walk by my door. You can change I know you will.. I shiver in the nights tranquility, Its tender loving chill

Bones mend, bruises heal, but you will never again know how I feel. I cant stay in here in you’re arms, I am no longer a victim of your fatal charms. Pushed into a corner any will fight back.. I still cringe as you walk by my door.. Fear guides my hand.. The metallic flash is all that is seen in the nights chill.. You look surprised that I finally got the will.

Red on white, I see the light.. from your last cold stare I realize that you were never here, It was all created in a world full of fear. The bruises are the path to my freedom, my pain racked body is my ticket to another life.. without all this shameful strife. But I shatter and fall.. like a porcelain doll.. Disgusted by what even the most innocent can be driven to do

I don’t need your fucking sympathy.. Or your pitiful stares, who the hell even cares if I die, I have already chased them away with my lie. Alone by choice, none can understand. I spit in the face of those that try, why cant they at least give me the dignity to die..

I rise and stagger to the barred window, the blood may be gone, but its memory stains my mind. I look across the tranquil land, never to see ..never to touch… finally free of the ties that bind.




let not be seen

I let not be seen, what must not be seen
In fear and loathing I hide the price I must pay
In absolute terror I stand ready
Ready for what I hate so much, yet I hold so dear
For once it all makes sense
The calm slips over my soul, and I sink into my being
First one then the other begin to drop
I let it all slip away, before the ember glare of a new beginning
Or a new day

[SteveO13]

good shit

[sidekick]

constructive critiscm:

your poetry is pretty abstract, perhaps adding more concrete imagery would help it become more of a solid poem, right now it seems very up in the air with nothing to tie it down.

the form of the first poem is really interesting. i also like the rhyming, most of it is very subtle and flows well, although there are a few that stood out to me as a little forced and awkward.

all in all, i think you have a lot of powerful emotion running in both peoms, but i think you need to add some more imagery and something the reader can grasp solidly...if a poem is totally emotional it tends to lose some of it's power because it becomes very airy.

but that's just my thoughts, you can take them or leave them, i'm sure someone will disagree entirely with me.

good work though, keep up the writing :)

[Ragga_Wh0re]

i liked them,but i agree with sidekick as well.

[Burdie]

I don’t know much about poetry I usually just write. Thanks alot for the criticism though I agree with you sidekick

[sidekick]

that's cool, it's what you should do. you don't need to know a lot of the technical aspects of poetry to write good poems, you just need to really feel them.

but yeah it helps to take some classes and learn techniques and tricks of the trade :)

[Goat]

the overall quality of this is brought down by a melodramatic feel.
i read this and see "I'm an angry fucking person"
and what jake said.

[Burdie]

actualy im very happy person, if you think this is dark you should read my stuff from my depression days :)

[PwInCeSs]

good job adam
nice poems
karma 4 u