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  #1 (permalink)  
Old Dec 17, 04
GO SENS!
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Séguin will become famous soon enough
T'was The Night Before Christmas...

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse

mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass

when out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
to see what's the matter

then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
it must be Saint Nick

He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the old fucker fell

he filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer

he rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart
that fat son of a bitch blew the chimney apart

he swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
piss on you all
its been one hell of a night
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  #2 (permalink)  
Old Dec 17, 04
Time is an illusion!!
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Sniper is an unknown quantity at this point
Such a great spin on a classic tale.........Hilarious
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  #3 (permalink)  
Old Dec 24, 04
GO SENS!
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Séguin will become famous soon enough
*bunp* is actualy is the appropiate day for this now.
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  #4 (permalink)  
Old Dec 24, 04
Registered
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
PHOTONIC is an unknown quantity at this point
aww man i was gonna post this today :( you beat me to it
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  #5 (permalink)  
Old Dec 24, 04
Plurrorist
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Canar is an unknown quantity at this point
here's one i ran into today

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the flat
The techno was blaring, 'twas too loud to chat
The Rizlas were perched on the table with care
And smoke full of chemicals soon filled the air

We'd just been out clubbing, I truly was trashed
My friends were all here and equally mashed
We'd popped a few pills and we'd had a quick sniff
And just settled down to a nice tasty spliff

When out on the balcony rose such a clatter
We looked slowly up to see what was the matter
I got to my feet and I swayed to the door
And only occasionally fell on the floor

I peered through the glass as I took a long puff
The land glistened softly with rubbish and stuff
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
But a fat man in red and a team of reindeer

He yelled and he ranted, gave each one a kick
I knew in a second it must be Saint Nick
He shrieked at each Reindeer and cursed them alike
"Fuck you!" yelled Rudolph "we're going on strike!"

The reindeer did turn and soar into the sky
And Santa growled something that wasn't goodbye
I watched as they went in a puff of pink smoke
And vowed from now on to stay off of the coke

As debris did settle St Nick turned around
He swore as he angrily kicked at the ground
He gave me a gesture that clearly implied
He'd be very pleased if I let him inside

I threw the doors open and ushered him in
Invited him through with a welcoming grin
"So where are our presents?" my smashed flatmate cried
With a look of astonishment, Santa replied;

"You seriously think you might be on my list?
You've got to be kidding, you're taking the piss!
Have you lot considered your actions this year?
Stop being stupid and get me a beer."

He opened a Stella, but still looked depressed
We asked him to tell us what made him so stressed
"My reindeer have left me" he said with a sigh
"Unless I have reindeer I've no way to fly!"

"Now look here" I told him "we may not know much
We don't help old ladies, kiss babies and such,
But Santa, there's no need for you to despair
We know how to get you back up in the air!"

I chopped up a line with precision and skill
And rolled him up neatly a 20 quid bill
His face lit up quickly with real Christmas cheer
"Perhaps you kids WILL get some presents this year!"

He spoke not a word but got straight to his mission
He snorted that line with wholehearted ambition
Then Santa skinned up and he smiled as he puffed
We knew that our stockings this year would be stuffed

He sprang to the balcony, leapt from the railing
Soared to the sky with his present-sack trailing
I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
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