The Ultimate Hockey TOP 10 Lists! FUNNY SHIT!

[Antenna_Boy]

Top Ten Signs Your Round Draft Choice Was A Mistake

10. His guide dog isn't much of a skater.
9. Says he "wants to drink from Stanley's Cup."
8. He's from Cuba.
7. Won't throw a check for fear of breaking his beer bottle.
6. His goalie mask is made from chicken wire, christmas lights and duct tape.
5. Nickname: Chicken Cordon Blue
4. He's heaving into the goal judge's box - and he's just laced up his skates.
3. Opponents challenges him to "drop 'em" and he takes down his pants.
2. Keeps using frozen pucks to chill his pitcher of sangria.
1. He has all his teeth.

Top Ten Little Known Penalties

10. Kabobbing.
9. Too many men on the linesman.
8. Shucking and Jiving.
7. Octopi in the face.
6. Two words: Sequinned Gloves.
5. Illegal use of Pants.
4. Doin' the Hokey Pokey.
3. Icing the Mascot.
2. Two guys, one goalie uniform.
1. Grand Theft Zamboni.

Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Goalie

10. Keeps telling the Goal Judge to "Get Ready!"
9. Mask painted like Malibu Barbie.
8. On the net with his squeeze bottle is a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
7. Wearing Magooesque glasses over his mask.
6. You find him in a foetal position in the corner of the net.
5. Ice level microphone keeps picking up sounds of him praying.
4. He's wearing a virtual reality mask.
3. Keeps using his big stick to tenderize meat.
2. Technique in stopping breakaways: Fake Seizures.
1. Tries not to get hit by the puck.

(I was going to mention "If you have a goalie with the last name Cloutier". but I don't think that was an acceptable statement) :haha:

Top Ten Least Popular Skills Competition Event

10. Icing the puppy.
9. Theoren Fluery tossing.
8. Hansen Brother look-alike contest.
7. Stick Swallowing.
6. Ice dancing with male figure skaters.
5. Cooking with squid.
4. Naked goalie target practice.
3. Zamboni races against Bob Probert.
2. Matching wits with Tie Domi.
1. The tooth spit (distance and accuracy).

Top Ten Reasons Hockey is the Best Pastime

10. Hockey is the last remnant of the Roman Colesseum Rulebook without actually having
to sit through pro-Wrestling.
9. Baseball. Get serious.
8. Real men don't wear figure skates.
7. Golf. Hmm. This one's a toss up. Both sports involve knocking a hard rubber object into
a target with a carbon-graphite stick while wearing hideous clothing.
6. Cinemas, while somehow just as cold as hockey arenas, just can't achieve the same
enthusiasm levels. (And no funky-chicken)
5. Better sound effects than even the coolest computers.
4. Boxing is arguably the same sport, but those wimps do it without skates.
3. Just not enough violence in football.
2. Stamp-collecting is for referees.
1. When's the last time you went to the ballet and a really good fight broke out?

Top Ten Hockey Player Pick-Up Lines

10. "So this guy says he hates hockey players because they have no tact and are easily
distracted, so I... Hey! Babe! Wanna do the nasty?"
9. "You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things."
8. "I may be toothless, sweaty, and all black and blue, but I make a mean quiche Loraine."
7. "Me take you eat."
6. "Would you like a Zamboni ride?"
5. "Tho... What'th your thighn?"
4. "C'mon baby, the iceman cometh... but never too soon."
3. "Well if I can't score, can I get an assist?"
2. "You know, less teeth means more tongue!"
1. "We're gonna go beat up Scott Hamilton. Wanna come?"

Top Ten Signs You're Dating a Hockey Player

10. Eating the last Fig Newton gets you bodychecked into the fridge.
9. He's very sensitive on the topic of "stick curvature."
8. After going out, makes you line up and shake hands with all his ex-girlfriends.
7. Bad enough he consummates lovemaking by shouting, "He scores!"
6. During arguments he sends you to the penalty box for "2 minutes for pissing me off."
5. He refuses to valet park the Zamboni.
4. For breakfast, he hands each kid a spoon and tosses an Eggo in the middle of the table.
3. Demanded credit for an assist when you slept with his best friend.
2. Favorite Restaurant: Dinner in a Blender
1. Talks funny and likes to beat up people, but doesn't come from Alabama

Top Ten Reasons Hockey Is Better Than Sex

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
9. The puck is always hard.
8. The protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.
7. It lasts a full hour.
6. You know you're finished when the horn goes off.
5. Your parents cheer when you score.
4. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.
3. Periods last only 20 minutes.
2. You can count on it at least twice a week.
1. You can tell all of your friends about it afterward.

Top Ten Ways to Make Hockey More Exciting

10. During playoffs, players dress up as their favorite Ice Capades character
9. Canadians must play in bare feet
8. Defensemen must count to "five mississippi" before defending an onrushing attacker.
7. A goalie with a goals per game average of less than 2.00 will have his water bottle replaced with Nyquil.
6. If the zamboni drops below 50mph it blows up
5. Goals scored by goalies will count as 5 points, encouraging the goalies to leave the crease and join play.
4. Give up a goal - remove a piece of equipment.
3. Try hot griddle surface instead of ice.
2. "Bonus pucks" may be added to game play at any time.
1. One word: BLINDFOLDS.

Top Ten Biggest Lies in Hockey

10. "We think the referee made the right call."
9. "That foot-in-the-crease" has really improved the game in many ways."
8. [Anything having to do with Mike Keenan]
7. [Anything having to do with press coverage of how salary negotiations proceed in a friendly manner]
6. "We think his agent advised him very wisely."
5. "Don't sweat it, kid -- we're just sending you down to the minors for a few weeks."
4. "Our players never take painkiller injections."
3. "I don't care if I am not scoring, so long as the team is winning."
2. "Honest coach, I only had two beers last night."
1. "Don't worry, my roommate is a really heavy sleeper."

[Antenna_Boy]

ANOTHER TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT BEING A GOALIE

1. Smart-Alecks that toss beach balls at the net.

2. Letting those beach balls in.

3. Jealous back-up's that hide your cup, causing "puck castration."

4. Always annoying death threats from opposition upon stopping a 2-1.

5. Always annoying death threats from teammates upon letting in a 2-1.

6. Always annoying death threats from fans upon stepping onto the ice.

7. Paternity suits from the mother of the uniroyal man.

8. Being a top-rated NHL goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not getting the money you deserve, and having to play in Las Vegas (Curtis Joseph only.)

9. The opposite sex just doesn't understand why you have to wear a mask to bed.

10. When you flip the ref the bird behind the blocker, they can't even tell.

[Antenna_Boy]

THE TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT BEING A HOCKEY GOALTENDER

1. Halloween costume? No problem!

2. Detroit Red Wing goalies look like Santa; can earn extra money during the holidays.

3. Can check out the babes (or guys) rinkside without them even knowing.

4. Slash all you want; they send someone else to the box.

5. Padding gives the impression you're really buffed.

6. Helmet allows you to double as Darth Vader in any upcoming "Star Wars."

7. Can get inventive nickname like "Eddie."

8. Flexibility can be useful in other entertainment ventures.

9. Bruises can really bring out the color in your eyes.

10. Two Words: Bigger Stick.

[Antenna_Boy]

TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOU JUST LET THAT ONE IN

1. Me and my defense got involved in the "Tastes great, less filling" Debate.

2. Tried to read the "Vulcanised" label on the side.

3. Slipped on this damn ice; someone should get some salt on that!

4. Was still laughing at that last top ten list.

5. Misunderstood "Butterfly save;" now sad to report one less monarch flying around.

6. Sun got in my eyes.

7. Misunderstood use of trapper; let in a goal, but got a lovely fur coat.

8. Being a top-rated NHL goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not getting the money you deserve, and having to play in Las Vegas(Curtis Joseph only.)

9. Wait, I'm the back-up!! Go talk to El-Sieve-o over there!!!

10. Yeah, like YOU would get in front of that!

[Antenna_Boy]

GOALIE PICK-UP LINES

10. "My Zamboni or yours?"

9. "Baby, I can make you do the wave!"

8. "You're my only chance to score more than Gretzky!"

7. "I'm Stanley. Would you like to see my cup?"

6. "Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?"

5. "I said, Would you like a puck?"

4. "My wife calls me Gordie Wowe!"

3. "Hey, you want to be my intern?"

2. "In your case, NHL stands for Non-stop Happenin' Lady"

1. "I've got a curved stick"

[Antenna_Boy]

TOP TEN ALTERNATIVE GIFTS TO GIVE A GOALIE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

10. SPF 30 sunscreen, for that annoying back of the neck burn.

9. Ice packs, Ice packs and more Ice packs!!

8. Chia Pet, everyone loves chia pet!

7. Did I mention Ice packs?

6. Patrick Roy's newest instructional video: "How to alienate an entire city in three easy steps."

5. Dominik Hasek's newest instructional video: "Ugly goaltending made easy."

4. Ice packs...(can never get enough!)

3. A contract with a NHL team. (May not apply to everyone.)

2. Clothing that brings out the color of bruises.

1. Gift certificate for mental health services.

[ppcock]

too much to read. you suck at life.

[Antenna_Boy]

Originally Posted by ppcock

too much to read. you suck at life.

You know the saying "How do you eat a whole elephant?" The answer being "One bite at a time." So MARTY, read each post one at a time :)

[Goodfellow]

so much reading, so little funny :(