Sep 03, 06
|
|||
|
|||
|
Skytrain
On the sky train
I stand by the door Raindrops scatter across the window Broken images reflected - In shattered fragments I see myself You tell me you see a velvet blanket sprawled across the mountain encrusted with diamonds; a vast array of light soothing your iris I tell you I see faded city lights in suburban homes; trying to live up to their storybook lives that ultimately grant them nothing. You tell me you hear silence, the serene hum of time standing still I tell you I only hear noise, traffic and useless chatter. You tell me you’re thinking about the preservation of this moment, where we’re suspended in a place that allows us to gaze on the beauty that surrounds us, the silent movement of the worlds turning and the halo of the stars that grant us comfort. I tell you I feel enwrapped in my day to day routine, in the useless commotion, I insist I’ve forgotten what happiness feels like, that it just a mere fragment of my memory and that nothing can grant me the simplicity that I crave. You look at me broken -our tears reflect in the scattered pieces of the train window. 
|
|
Sep 03, 06
|
|||
|
|||
|
cool.
This brings up something I can relate to. I'd cut out the words "mere", change preservation to "preserving" And change "grant" to "give" - sounds to much like you want someone to give you control of your life, when you're the person in charge. But hey, that's just me. write on.
|
|
Sep 04, 06
|
|||
|
|||
|
this gave me a really fucking obscene feeling of hopelessness.
In shattered fragments I see myself try flipping the first part with the last part "i see myself in shattered fragments" to gaze upon the beauty that surrounds us the silent movement of the worlds turning and the halo of the stars that grant us comfort are you meaning there is more then one world or do you mean it as singular just not properly punctuated? also,maybe chop up the sentances more.Change the structure.More punctuation,less "the" and "ands" dont use filler words where punctuation can/will work. :)
|
