Alone in the Dark (review)

[sidekick]

got tickets to go see the advanced screening of this movie.

worst movie i have ever seen. that spot was originally occupied by The Village, but this movie blows that one clear out of the shitty movie water.

it starts with a lame star wars type words on the screen introduction which is just really lame and doesn't make a whole bunch of sense (thus creating the atmosphere of non-sensical shit for the rest of the movie)

the acting is brutal. it's a bunch of pretty boys running around. tara reid looks like she's playing dress up as the stern, but kinky librarian.

the filming is equally as brutal. there is no inspiration to the camera work at all, except for the occasional overdone slow-motion bullet shot (which is probably thrown in there to distract the audience from the realization that the rest of the movie has no style whatsoever).

there is some narration throughout by the main character that seems like some apologetic after thought from the director at an attempt to explain his non-existant plot to the audience (which doesn't work, no one really knows what the fuck is going on)

the only good thing about this film was that it was filmed in vancouver, so at least you can be like "oh, hornby street, i know where that is" and try to forget about how you are wasting an hour and a half of your life in a theatre watching absolute garbage.

some horror movies are so bad they're good. this one is so bad it's just really really bad.

i counted eight people get up and leave the theatre.

0 out of 5 stars.

[Bobby_T]

glad i didn't come with.

[ty_guy]

haha thanks for saving me the money and trip Sidekick. i was thinking about going but now i think i'd rather go get an ice cream

[LeeBrat]

^^hehe, ice cream :) ur so cute ...i havent even heard of this movie, but thanx for the heads up :)

[Technique]

Yeah ..i could totaly tell this was goin be crap.
No way im goin waste my time to see it.

[Sarah...]

well now im glad i showed up 45 minutes late and they didnt let me in...
me and jer jus walked over to art gallery and blazed instead which from what i here was probably alot more fun

[Filo]

i still want to see it. the bad guy crazy doctor dude is someone i know

[sidekick]

^is he from vancouver?

there was this old guy standing outside of the theatre asking if we liked the movie. i didn't have the heart to say anything mean about it, in case he had something to do with the production. maybe it was the old guy?

[~god~]

Originally Posted by Sidekick

got tickets to go see the advanced screening of this movie.

worst movie i have ever seen. that spot was originally occupied by The Village, but this movie blows that one clear out of the shitty movie water.

it starts with a lame star wars type words on the screen introduction which is just really lame and doesn't make a whole bunch of sense (thus creating the atmosphere of non-sensical shit for the rest of the movie)

the acting is brutal. it's a bunch of pretty boys running around. tara reid looks like she's playing dress up as the stern, but kinky librarian.

the filming is equally as brutal. there is no inspiration to the camera work at all, except for the occasional overdone slow-motion bullet shot (which is probably thrown in there to distract the audience from the realization that the rest of the movie has no style whatsoever).

there is some narration throughout by the main character that seems like some apologetic after thought from the director at an attempt to explain his non-existant plot to the audience (which doesn't work, no one really knows what the fuck is going on)

the only good thing about this film was that it was filmed in vancouver, so at least you can be like "oh, hornby street, i know where that is" and try to forget about how you are wasting an hour and a half of your life in a theatre watching absolute garbage.

some horror movies are so bad they're good. this one is so bad it's just really really bad.

i counted eight people get up and leave the theatre.

0 out of 5 stars.

Jake, I have tears in my eyes. good review.
However, you're being too nice :)

Lets start with the star wars script thingi at the beginning of the movie that pretty much told you everything early on (actually more than you could find out through the movie).
Acting - SUCKED FUCKING ASS!!!! I don't think the actors knew what the fuck was going on!? they were just running around bumping into things and talking ABSOLUTE NONESENSE!!!
at this point (i hope you remember this).. the Doctor goes to the protagonist, "ALL 20 ARE MISSING. THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN COMMON, EXCEPT THAT THEY ARE ALL FROM THE SAME ORPHANAGE!!" HAHAHAHAHAHA. there were 6 people in the theatre, and they all started laughing. Noone stopped laughing until the movie ended. Then they laughed some more and went to take a piss due to the excessive laughter/coke.

Director - There was no directing. I mena.. use your fucking brain. Its sad enough that none of the sad "actors" objected to some of the bullshit (plot.. if there were any).. but the director could not possibly ignore all that bullshit.

I'm just gonna summarize the rest:
Zombies' make up! can you say 'face dipped in yogurt'? that was ridiculous!! they were all like AARRR. made me laugh.

Most of the characters had absolutely nothing to do with anything. Like some of the military people. They were to save the perimeter. WHAT FUCKING PeRIMETER!?? what the fuck was that?? why were they there? What were they protecting? why were they planting C4 on their own base?

wraping it up... I have no idea what the fuck went on throughout the movie. I can tell you that i have never laughed this hard watching a Woody Allen comedy. I had tears in my eyes.


I mean.. come the fuck on!? As soon as i found out there was an 'Alone in the dark' movie being produced.. I been counting days till the release. I've been a fan of the game ever since i was 8! Me and my brothers would sneak in the room playing that shit for hours. and I'd have nightmares. The story of the games ruled. They were scary.
This was an insult to comedy.

I just can't understand why the game crew would give the A-OK to this. man.. this was bad.

anyone who hasn't seen it.. DO IT! its a fuckin treat.
in the words of Richard Jeni:
"Lets just say you're sitting there watching the movie with one suck on, with a popcorn and no brain. Every five minutes your spinal chord goes 'HEY HEY HEY!!?? I'm no brain or nething.. but this is a stupid movie."

god damn.
me go laugh some more.

s.

[sidekick]

^yeah i do remember that 'they have nothing related' quote. that is so fucking stupid.

i have another thing to add:

what the fuck was with the stuck-in, awkward porn sex scene between tara reid and this dude. what was their relationship before? they don't seem like they're in love at all. they aren't even really friendly to each other.

worst WORST ever.

[~god~]

^bahaha.
reid talked like she was reading her lines off cue-cards.

[~god~]

I can't recall any movie worse than this one.

even Eight Legged Freaks seems supperior comparted to this.

[ty_guy]

sounds shitty enough that i might just go see it.

[~god~]

Originally Posted by ty_guy

sounds shitty enough that i might just go see it.

you totally should.
you'd have no idea what a bad movie is until you see this.

[sidekick]

Originally Posted by ~god~

you totally should.
you'd have no idea what a bad movie is until you see this.

i'm not even sure it's worth seeing at all. if you're going to go see it (just to see how horrible it really is) definitly don't pay money to see it in theatres. it's a get drunk, rent-at-home with your friends and laugh at it, kinda movie.

it's not even one of those bad-good films (like cabin fever...which was hilarious, but meant to be funny) it's just a bad-bad-bad-bad (you get the picture) film.

[(val)Liam]

I actually saw them filming a part of this movie at Surrey Central... that was two years ago too...

[Jarman]

My most sincere aplogies for pushing this movie on people......had I known what I was about to see......I'm sorry, once again.

There was more laughter in that theater than in some comedy movies I've seen.

What a synergy of horrible film work!

[sidekick]

^don't be sorry.

as a hopeful budding film-maker, it was good that i saw what a truly terrible film was like...and it didn't cost me any money!

[~god~]

I'm so buying the dvd.
if there will be any.

[neoh]

imdb it first!
it's one of the worst movies ever made.

[acidic_liquid]

Is it worse than Gigli?

My friend walked out of this one too.
It was the same director as House of the Dead.
That movie was CRAP. It was about ravers haha.