Jul 10, 05
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Dear Kimberlee
i once heard about a peruvian fetish (an ancient wood-carved idol) that contained a diamond the size of a screeching desert spider. this fetish is to be found in a secret temple in the wilds of the amazon, which can only be reached by foot on a treacherous three-day trek through the jungle. on this trek we will encounter quicksand, five-foot-deep mudpits, filled with ferocious leeches, rabid tapirs (a jungle mammal, similar to a warthog or anteater (also found in the same jungle)), and worst of all: the cannibalistic "Baruba" tribe.
it is said that when these cannibal wizards eat your flesh, they eat your soul as well, thus consuming your lifeforce, and becoming doubly as strong and ferocious. anyways, i was thinking about hiring one as a butler, so call me and well discuss details. Last edited by Bevvy Swift; Jul 10, 05 at 11:57 PM. 
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Jul 18, 05
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Darling, it has also been said that these "baruba's" have a fondnest for the flesh of hot young white men..
it is there custom to serve in the household of those that they have a fondnest for for a complete cyle of 11 full moons... on the twelvth full moon... they rise at 3:15 in the morning... dress in a black leather thong and proceed in to the room of their master... they then loom over his bed and make sweet sweet love to themselves with one armed raised as a signal to their pagan Gods that they will soon receive a sacrificial offering. when the baruba has finally reached a point of unbearable orgasm,.. he will then stop what he is doing.. turn three circles to the left and one to the right and fall upon his masters bed crying out in tortured pleasure. at this point the young white male usually wakes and yells out in his disturbed confusion... the frequency of the white males voice hits a certain wave length in the brain of the baruba causing him to go mad with dicomfort.. at which point he will reach for the nearest blunt object and plummel his master over the head with it until he is dead or stops hollering, whatever comes sooner. I think its a wonderful idea Bevan my love... let us hire one as a butler! on a more serious note.. i love you more than I could even begin to tell you. miss you like crazy.
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Jul 19, 05
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given the unpredictable ferocity of the barubas, i was looking into a personal bodyguard from the nearby zagongo tribe, masters of stealth and dart blowing.
in return for the zagongo warrior's aid, we are to pay him 30 zangars (zagongo currency, about $750 canadian). it would be a shame to waste the avid butlery skills of the barubas, so its a cost i am willing to shell out. il send you the paperwork later this week. luv bevy
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Jul 20, 05
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my darling Bevan,
Im afraid love, I have already gone ahead and filled the position of butler.. he is a sweetnatured thing.. mostly i imagine due to the fact that he is missing his testicles, from what I understand this happend in some kind of freak garborator accident when he was serving somewhere in the middle east back in 89. as you know i am prone to turbulant love affairs with the staff when you leave my side on prolonged business trips as I get lonsome without your company.. and seeing as how you dissaprove of my daliances, i thought this would be a way of killing two birds with one stone... we needed a butler and one who could not amuse me in a sexual nature. Eljin is very profficient in all his duties, though his voice is squeeky and he likes to try on my heels...and is fitting in with our other staff quite easily.. as I know you have faith that could move mountains in my judgment, im sure you will have nothing but praise for me on my initiative and cleverness.... as for the bodyguard send the paperwork at once, along with a picture of him and his measurments..(ALL of his measurments).. I ask only because I will need to order him a uniform.. and we wouldnt want it fitting to snugly or loosely in any of his "areas" I look forward to meeting this warrior! on another note, my days are empty without you by my side.. and I long for your return more and more with each sun that sets and rises and still I am not blessed with the overwhelming Joy that goes hand in hand with seeing your smiling face.... Bevan i miss you! on the rizzle! dont stray to far from me sweetheart, and dont let me stray to far from you. call me. xoxoxoxox Kimberley.
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Jul 20, 05
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^^^you know you two practice being weirdos too much...lol....i love you both with all my heart and would love to go for all you can eat sushi on robson, then proceed to go watch the sun set in englishbay one evening very soon......love your long lost Tiffany...xoxoxoxox
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Jul 20, 05
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upon my return from my affairs abroad, we shall go for an outing of sushi and sunset. the paperwork for the zagongo bodyguard is in the mail, as is the bodyguard.
it seems i misread the small print in his contract, apparantly he has a pet komodo dragon that he must keep with him at all times. now i dont know how well he will get along with lolaphant, so i sent with him a muzzle to keep him out oo trouble. all the best, your darling bevy. ps - i wasnt able to get "all" the measurments, but i had a look into it personally and im sure you wont be dissapointed. he also comes with exchangable "jewelery", customary zagongo adornment.
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Jul 20, 05
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sounds delightful, oh keeper of my heart,
komodo dragon better not harm a hair on poor olivers head, he is already missing his eyebrows. and if he does i will cook him and eat him... like I did the two cats that came with our chef. alas, my heart and soul grieve for your return! so make haste and Godspeed on your perilous expedition. and keep in mind the old gypsies warning.. to let your eyes wander neither to the left nor the right but always straight before you.. for if you stray from your course, nothing but misery and desolation will follow you all the rest of your days. as for the bodyguard and his "jewelry" Fuck yeah doggy! thats what Im talkin bout!!! YEEEEEEEUUW!!!
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Jul 20, 05
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i have received word from the embassy that i shall return on the saturday of this week. i was hoping (if you arent too busy with Chimblo*click*aa, the Zagongo warrior/bodyguard) that possibly we could get together for a descreet rendezvous of some sort. rsvp lovergirl.
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Jul 22, 05
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oh my modern day romeo,
a dicreet and private encounter, sounds iquisite! the new body guard, we dont spend much time together, it would seem he has an allergy to leather.. and some kind of odd aversion to being chained to bed posts... I know not what his issues are, nor do I care as I have grown weary of him balking at my attempts to get better aquainted. I would like to continue my efforts with him about as much as I would like to be tied to the ankle of a rampaging bull elephant with two midgets on his back whipping him with bamboo rods. all that remains of my patience is a fine thread and the candle is burning steady beneath it. I plan on letting him go at the end of next week. your mother called, she wants to know if we know where the little blue frog is.. she hasnt seen hide nor hair of his scrawny little backside in the sugar jar or the egg carton! ;) in other news.. the butler i hired is doing quite well. CALL ME! (seriously I can hardly wait to see you)
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Jul 23, 05
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the blue frog was mesteriously transferred to bathroom scare duty. it now resides in father's heart pill box. hell get a scare for sure!!!
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Jul 23, 05
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hi kim
good seeing you tonight!
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