I think this is the right section...

[cerah]

Okay I don't exactly have a problem or anything... I'm just curios is all. So I just wanna hear if anyone's like this.

See I'm a really caring person... I love my friends and family tons. I'm a total hug & cuddle freak (just ask my boy) but when it comes to my folks I dunno I just seem to totally clam up.

Growing up I was taught to keep my problems and feelings to myself... I knew my folks loved me but we never actually said it to one another (unless something major happened like someone went to the hospital or something like that). I know not a great way to grow up but it's a lil late to fix that now. I've gotten over that with my friends and I do tell them things (well most of the time at least) but if my mom comes to give me a hug or kiss I squirm away. I never tell them Happy Mom/Dad's day... or that I love them or anything like that. I mean I do love them and I feel like such a horrible child that I can't tell them and that I squirm away but I just can't help it. I guess I'm just a stubborn bitch or something I dunno. I really do feel awful because I know it makes my mom sad but I just can't get over this feeling that I'm supposed to show nothing around them. That and my family has only just started to open up and be more like a family... we were always just strangers (but that's another story).

My mom's sad that I'm moving out I guess and she's been drinking a fair amount tonight so we all know that means lotsa talks from the parents. They're scared about all the drugs in the scene and that I'll just disappear.

*SIGH*

I guess what I'm getting at is... is it terrible of me not to tell my folks I care about them??? To hug them??? I mean I just don't get why I'm like this sometimes...

[Bitchin]

hun its not ur fault its just the way u were brought up. i have a friend thats in the exact same position as u... just perhaps talk to them and let them know that u may perhaps wanna show some affection to them in a lil'manner or something. u may beable to make a switch over or something.. just take ur time!:)

luv jovi
89112991

[~lazee_grrl~]

sarah...i sorta get wut u mean...i was brought up in a non huggy and talky family..maybe thats why i talk so much and luv giving hugs to people..cuz i was deprived of it as i was growing up??..i dunno..don't wanna make ne conclusions or nuthing...but sumtimes, once in a blue moon, i get the talks where i figure a hug could end it perfectly..just i wouldn't ever do that...just cuz it wouldn't seem or feel rite??..or even telling them i care...cuz it just doesn't feel rite...its not ur fault...ur just not use to it...maybe u could start slowly...and just talk to them a bit more and then maybe get deeper and deeper...slowly progress...u'll get there....*hugz*..good luck~

[yoko*]

Leopardchick~ *AHHH*

holy gawd that is SO me...

Well I can't say I'm 100% like you cuz I don't know wut it's like for you so let me describe my own situation instead...

Well I do *love* my parents I guess but it takes me a while to think about it and realize that I do... I know I do love them but it's a feeling hard to put into words... embarssing? I don't know. My mother is great. My dad.. well, he's my dad... My mom has done A LOT for me. And still does a LOT for me and I know that she's such a cool mom, but I just can't handle the whole huggy kissy crap. I haven't hugged my mother since last mother's day when she asked ME for a hug... and I gave her a real light and awkward hug.

Even when I was little if my parents kissed me on the cheek I'd get so Angry and I'd wipe it off even scrub it off with soap cuz I felt so disgusted.

I think I've become a lil bit better than before though. Before me and my mom used to fight SO much that I felt guilty for it.. But the more I felt guilty about it, the more angrier I got at myself and expressed that anger by yellin at my mom more... But things have changed a lil bit since then and now I just take her crap in and walk away....

I feel like a *better* daughter now than before... but still, yesterday we were talking in the car and she was like "you've been like this ever since you were little.. and I don't even know why".. and I know it upsets her that I shrug off all her attempts at hugs.. i know it makes her sad that we can't do the "mother daughter thing" because it bothers me...

But the strange thing in a way i DO want it. But I wont allow myself to have it.. because it feels *WRONG* to do it. A little embarassing.. but who is there to feel embarassed around? Nobody but myself.

I've never ever told my mother that I loved her ever in my life

[cerah]

OMG HUN THAT'S IT EXACTLY!!!

i just I dunno feel so bad that I show no affection towards them and I always squirm away when they try and hug me. I never say Happy Mom's Day or anything and if forced (like last night my mom said she wouldn't let me go until I said it) I'll say I love you. I dunno what's wrong with me sometimes...

Oh and the "you've always been like this" line... my mom ALWAYS says that to me!!!

Last night they were both REALLY drunk... like more than I've ever seen them before... they came stumbling into my room while I was packing (at 12am or so)... start blubbering about how they love me and hanging all over me and kissing me... and all I could do was growl and say "Drunk people stop hugging me... Father your wife has lost her balance... Grrr drunk people leave my room... ect. ect. ect." I mean I felt so bad but damn were they being annoying... then they had to talk to me for like 1/2 hour at the door about money and stuff (repeating themselves constantly). I feel so ashamed for wanting them to just leave me the fuck alone and not touch me... I dunno I'm a freak I guess.

There's only ever been two mom & daughter moments in my life... one after the worst "relationship" in my life (we'll not go there) and one after I lost my Naten (first love).

It's not like my mom doesn't try or anything... I guess that's what makes me feel worse cuz all I ever do is roll my eyes and push them away... like I know I love them but... they're my parents... I dunno I know it sounds really childish and all but yur right Yoko... I think I may be embarrased or something... who knows.

Fuck sometimes I just feel like the worst daughter ever because I know all my mom ever wanted was a girl... she got a lil tom boy... and all she wants is a hug or a gesture of kindness every now and then... and she gets cold me...

*SIGH* I feel bad... but I don't... but I do... I dunno... I feel all rotten about it cuz ya... I care but I can't show it... damn my upbringing and strict English parentla brainwashing...