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Feb 21, 03
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needing some help....
I have already posted about this. But now i need some advice. So for ppl that dont know the whole story please read the first post here - http://www.form-kaos.com/board/showt...threadid=24570 - first, so that u will understand
I dont really know how to deal with this. I have pretty much decided not to. I know that everyone says not to hold it all in. But the way i am thinking of it, is that for one it wont bring him back, and for another he wouldnt want me to cry. The emotion i am feeling most right now is anger and denial. I still wont addmit that he is gone and i keep seeing him out of the corner of my eye. I keep thinking that he just went away for a while and i keep thinking i hear him pull into the drive way. I'm so angry because my whole family from all over BC has been coming to town. NOT ONE family member has come to see us. They are all going to my aunt, and she has always been a 'poor me' type person and right now she is really fucking playing it. She hasnt called us to see how we are doing, and when she does call its just because she needs/wants something. I'm angry because no one has come to see us, they keep thinking poor nicole (my aunt) but no one is thinking about us and we are the ones with the mess left to clean up. This happened in my house, my mom found him and had to clean up the blood my dad was the one who had to fix the hole in the wall and my aunt has the FUCKING nerve, to say to my mom "i keep getting a picture in my head of what it must have looked like." Like seriously WTF how could she even think of saying that. Not to mention that this happened because she left him. The only thing their marrige was lacking was commuication. This happened because my aunt i a stupied fucking whore and was fucking around on him. she didnt even give him a chance. She just left. He died because he loved her too much. OMG i'm so angry and i dont know if i'm angry for the right reasons or not. PLZ someone suggest to me how to deal with this. I need some guidence right now. Oh yeah (just cause i know ppl might be wondering) My aunt is blood realated, my uncle is not. 
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Feb 21, 03
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i htink you should just talk it all through like you are and keep your friends close......don;t bottle anything up.........and if you need to talk we are all here for you.........don't sit at home alone and mop....your uncle whould not want that at all........and i am sure he is looking down on you and watching you and helping you out and you don't even know it....so go out have a good time and try to remember the best parts about him and all the good time you had together..........hugs and kisses..................
ps keep your head held high and smile :c-tard:
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Feb 21, 03
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Suicide makes people angry, it's all part of the grieving process.
Sorry to come off as harsh, but you're really begining to sound selfish. Yes, it's an awful thing to see and deal with, but none of you had the kind of relationship with him that your aunt did and you're going to have to accept that although she plays a 'poor me' , she's going through some tough stuff right now. Did you ever stop to think about how this might affect a person if they feel like they are directly responsible for it? Yes, she screwed up, but I doubt she really wanted any of this to happen. Your attitude towards the situation is getting extremely unhealthy. As I mentioned before, it's okay to feel anger after a suicide, but I think you're really taking this out of hand. You have to realize that NOBODY is perfect, not even your aunt, so lay off the name calling and blame game. If you are all a family, then it's everybody's job to come together and be there for eachother. Somebody took their own life, that is the issue, not petty differences or blame. M
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Feb 21, 03
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^^ i'm not blaming her, but you have to remember that we all lived together for the past 6 years. We were all extreamly close. My aunt left 2 weeks before n e of this happened and when she left she stoped talking to all of us, she broke all ties.
I'm not trying to sound selfish, i am stating the reasons why i'm angry. Yes my aunt needs ppl around her to help her through this as well as we do. But my whole family is running to her. No one seems to be thinking about how this has effect us. My moms brother called my mom and yelled at her for not running to my aunts aid. I'm not trying to sound greedy but my family was the one who had to find him, had to call 911, hod to clean it all up not to mention deal with the greif and it seems no one is thinking of how badly this has effected my family. My aunt still has no problem eating or sleeping and i'm happy she can still do thoes things. BUt it would be nice to sleep at night and beable to hold some food down. None of us in my house can do either of thoes things. My aunt doesnt have to live in this house, where it happened and she said she would never come here again. I wish i had that option. gggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr i'm so angry right now... and probaly for alot of the wrong reasons. BUt i am still intitled to feel what i do.
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Feb 21, 03
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Feb 21, 03
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Is someone a bit attention deprived? By the sounds of it, you sound as if you are angry/jealous that your aunt is getting all the attention when you think your family "deserves" it. That sounds rather sick, IMO.
Your aunt might of pushed suicide on to him, but she didn't kill him. How people react to a situation is still based on their own thoughts and actions (most the time), and it was his own choice to kill himself. If you want to play the blame game, then fine, you're not helping maintain your "perfect little world" by doing so -- you're just contributing to the problem by doing so. If you really wanted to point more fingers, why not suggest that it could of been that other family members weren't there for him enough, or that the sky was blue that day, whatever. People are empathizing with her the most because she was the one that was probably closest to him, spent most of her intimate time with him. Using your logic of just because your parents were there to clean up the mess VS your aunt who was not even there: Witnesses of a suicide have a harder time dealing with it than those that were close to the victim. AHHHHHH.
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Feb 21, 03
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you have every right to feel mad and to be upset at this situation sweety!!!! What klaus said is good advice....you don't want to cry forever about it but some times tears can help alot!!! and you do need to grieve!! just remember that lots of ppl love and care for you deeply and that we will all do our best to be here for you if you need us!! If you ever need someone to talk to day or night don't hesatate to call me ok!!! sometimes talking helps too!!
I love u and care for you and hope that things get better soon!!
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Feb 21, 03
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It sure sounds like you are blaming her in that first post. Even though you guys did live together for 6 years, yes you were close. But you wouldn't have been as close as his wife. They had been married how many years? Most people would rush to her side, she was the wife (even if she left right before) She probably knew him more deeply then you guys did. It wasn't her fault, he killed himself. She may have started some of the pain but it was no ones choice to do whatever is was he did to kill himself, but his own. Blaming people isn't going to get you anywhere. I think the rest of the family could be a bit nicer then they currently are, but you shouldn't go demanding all the attention.
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Feb 22, 03
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We have all lived together for 6 years, they were married for 7.
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Feb 22, 03
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I'm not saying that you guys don't have the right to feel bad because oh his wife was closer. You all feel bad, it's hard for the entire family, but she was his wife. There's a difference.
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Feb 22, 03
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so ur aunts always been the poor me person in the family, eh...?
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Feb 23, 03
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This is a bit random, I apologize...
Some of what you wrote does read as selfish - but I don't think your feelings are really that way, because we've spoken about this. I'm just saying that its tough to convey everything we talked about and more into a post - accept that its tough for readers to see between the lines and catch all the nuances. In terms of the family reaching out to your aunt, I dont know how the relatives were informed of what happened, but maybe they don't all know about the details about how it involved your family. Even still, the natural 'first source' for condolances would be the widow - the relatives probably don't know much, if any, of the reasons your uncle chose to do what he did. And certainly not in the detail you would have seen them, having lived in the same house. Don't blame relatives for not being mind readers - it'll only cause you to harbour resentment towards them later in life for something they didn't know. As for your aunt being the 'poor me', well, two thoughts. First, if most of the family coming down is from her side (i.e. the blood relatives) they would be naturally inclined to stand by their blood relation in a difficult time. Are his blood relatives behaving the same way? Second, people's actions have a way of coming back to haunt them - her treatment of others (including your uncle) will become reflected back upon her, maybe not today, but it will. People do truly reap what they sow. Finally, don't worry about her - focus on what you need to do to help yourself get through this. I know it would be easier if it all just didn't seem so unfair, but that's what makes sitations like this so tough to overcome in the first place. Don't allow your aunt to make this harder for you by her actions, and don't be afraid to reach out if you need to. On that note, you say that he wouldn't have wanted you to cry. Yes, but you wouldn't have wanted him to take his own life. He made the decision he felt he had to (I'm not by any means justifying it); you should allow yourself to cry, if it will help you get through things (which I think it will). Crying is very therapautic, like hugging; its a release of emotion - perhaps you are afraid to release your emotions because to do so, on some level, would force you to admit to yourself, to acknowledge, that he's gone. If you cry at his loss it forces you to admit that he is gone, which is something you've been avoiding doing. Until you can do this, you won't be able to fully get through it. I'm here for you, as always, if you need to chat...and I should be home this evening (San fran friend's trip got cancelled)....
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Feb 23, 03
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^^^well said
and here you are, wasting your time workign at shaw instead of becoming a therapist :)
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Feb 23, 03
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^^^Even as far back as high school a lot of friends thought I was good at listening, offering advice, etc. I've even considered going back to school for something along those lines, but to be honest, I enjoy helping my friends and am afraid that if I did something like that for a living it would slowly drain the joy from it. Beisdes, I do work in tech support so I do help people with their problems on some level.
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Feb 23, 03
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when there is a loss of a family member, i think that the best people to talk to about it is your own family, they too have similar feelings of grief as you do. let them know what you think of the situation, you may find out something that you didnt know about before....really. let them know what you think of your aunt, about their responses, and how you cant get over the death itself. if theyre really close to you, their answers would probably help you the most.
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Feb 24, 03
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Feb 24, 03
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"He died because he loved her too much. OMG i'm so angry and i dont know if i'm angry for the right reasons or not. PLZ someone suggest to me how to deal with this. I need some guidence right now."
~~~you don't need a 'right' reason to be angry....And its okay to be a little selfish after someones death - greif is a strange bird. I know you say your family was very close, but no matter how close you were - you were not in their marriage and there is no way anyone outside of the two of them could have really known how it was going and such. You are using your aunt as a target for your anger ~ she may have severed some ties, but come on two weeks is not a long time, especially to deal with the end of a marriage - you don't know how long it may have been before she was ready to be a part of the family again - she needed time to grieve the end of her marriage, even if she was the one responsible for ending it. As for dying because he loved her too much, i think you know thats bullshit - he died out of love desperation, out of an inability to come up with a better solution, it is a sickness that took him, not love. Maybe you are not ready to talk, to forgive or whatever - but its time to go to a corner by yourself and cry - Cry because you are angry, because you miss him , because your family life sucks ...but its time to let some of it out - it is the only way to begin to deal with it Jingles
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