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Apr 16, 01
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Have you ever had a feeling like you thought the next day wouldn't get any worse...but it actually does? Or how about when you plan, plan, and plan and still things don't work out like you want it to? Or how about when you're promised this and that...and in the end all you do is wait...but really get nothing in return... :047:
Well...for all of those who have been in these situations...I feel for you :040: I've been living a continuous cycle of nightmare after nightmare for almost two years (the worst being the last two/three months now)...and...actually, I'm at the point where I don't want to care anymore...wish anymore...hope anymore... I had all these goals and dreams for myself...and somehow I lost focus of them...and I'm hating myself for it now...For the last four days, I've been sitting here and thinking --> "What about me? Do I really deserve this?" and honestly...I've come to a conclusion that I don't want to sit here and wait, and wait, and wait anymore...I'm tired...so f***** tired... I am posting this...just so I can remind myself who I really want to be...and hopefully...like myself again...and maybe even start my new life :049: 
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Apr 16, 01
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*hugs* Awww baby, I know EXACTLY how you feel hun. The past seven years of my life has just been one continuous nightmare. As each year passes, things get worse and worse. I thought I was at pit bottom in December, but each month since then, things have still been going more downhill. There are so many struggles that I have, but it seems like no matter what I try, and no matter how hard I try, nothing ever seems to worse...and nothing ever seems to get better. Or if it DOES get better, something even worse comes along right after.
I'm also at the point where I don't want to care anymore, wish anymore, or hope anymore. I've lost all hope inside of me...and I'm just in a dark pit right now, totally surrounded in blackness. I too had all these dreams and goals for myself...especially with school. Graduating and getting to a good university next year. But all this shit happened, and now, I might not even graduate at the end of this year. Even if I do, I'll most likely have to take another year off to work and do upgrading. I hate myself for everything that's happened...especially in the past three years. These three years have been a literal hell for me to live through. It's so frustrating too cause I don't feel like I've ever done anything to deserve this either. I'm never mean to people, even if they deserve a total ass kicking. I go way out of my way to help not only my friends, but even people that I don't know. I do volunteering, always make an effort to get to know people at school who are "shunned" or "unpopular" etc. And then I get all this shit in return? I dunno. I guess the only way I have to force myself to look at it if I want to be able to get myself out of this place...is that everything happens for a reason. All this crap has happened in my life, and has happened in your life, to make you who you are today. There are always positive things to every negative situation. No matter how dark things get Kimmie, there is ALWAYS hope. You just have to hang in there and duke it out. *hugs* I know it's soo much easier said than done, but once you give up hope, you have nothing. :001: You know where to find me if you want to talk. *hugs* Love you sweetie!!
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Apr 16, 01
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right on cec.......and yes i can also relate to some of these things.....just sittin waiting for things to happen that take so long or never end up happening.....grrrr......but watever i just say fuk it or them.......smoke breaks rock!
-adam
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Apr 16, 01
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:026: Hahaha...smoke breaks do rock!!! Gives us time to reflect on our lives...the silence...the laughing...
Erica ~ thanks for the concern *hugs* you're the best :031: And I know that I'm not gonna give up...but it's just frustrating trying sometimes...especially with friends and relationships...I've run outta energy...BURNT OUT!! :032: *Waaaaah* :003:
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Apr 16, 01
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haha.......hmm too bad u live kinda far erica.....otherwise me and cec could come over there and have blunt breaks!
-adam
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Apr 16, 01
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That was very insightful Yoko...thanks *hugs* :001:
To add to your reply...Why do people think that getting a good night's sleep will help solve the problem...My friends say "Sleep on it" or "Tomorrow's a new day"...It's nice that they care, but hey, problems don't solve themselves, right? I don't think 6-8 hours of sleep will help the problem go away...It's relaxing and gets your mind off things for a bit, but when you wake up, it's still there... :003: Whateva... Tomorrow's a new day, right?
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Apr 16, 01
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Yeah, I HATE plastic words too Yoko. I find that all of my friends tell me that they're "there for me," but when it comes down to the actual situation, they're totally not. Words mean nothing to me anymore. It's all about the actions that friends take to actually be there for you and show that they truly care. I feel like I can't trust what anybody says anymore. I don't want to trust it, cause I feel like if I do, then I'll just be dissapointed and let down as I usually am. I HATE the idea of not being able to trust people, but yeah...welcome to the real world Erica, right? :024: So much shit has been done to me in the past, and also recently, that I have SUCH a hard time accepting other people's love and care...like from those people that truly actually DO love and care about me.
BLARGH...I don't know anymore. I really don't know...
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Apr 18, 01
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hehe.....bitched at enough eh cec? damn.....i need a smoke break now! hehe i'll call u when i get back
-adam
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Apr 18, 01
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hey about all that plastic words and crap okay i know when you are totally bummed you want support from your friends and all i mean we've all been there but sometimes they just don't know how to deal with it and no matter how hard they try nothing seems to make things better. i hate it when you try and try to cheer someone up but they just don't want to be cheered up ... i find wiht lots of ppl that once they are down they just don't wanna get back up... me i'm like that but i still don't understand that. what will it take to make a person wanna get back up? you fall down so easily but you never seem to get bak up it's like it's impossible. i don't understand life!?! why the fuck is it so screwed why can't it just be like lego...so easy to put together...hehe! my stupid little lego thing!
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Apr 19, 01
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Yoko**I know exactly what you mean by pushing people away in fear of bringing them down with you. But you know, if you keep it to yourself, it'll be much harder on you. Every human being needs love and support. Your loved ones want to help you out, because the last thing they want to see is you unhappy/struggling. That's what friends are for. They're there for you when you need it, and you're there for them when they need it. That's a big part of what friendship is all about.
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