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Apr 05, 04
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forced...
are you ever sitting across from a stranger on the skytrain and you feel as though the only place you're allowed to look is at the ground?
last night i was on the skytrain, sitting across from random filipino guy, and whenever i would look anywhere other than the ground, he would look at me. kinda giving me that "what the fuck are you looking at" look. i started to think that things surrounding me were forcing me to look in a certain direction. not just on the skytrain, but in my life as well. in my life, i want to go wherever i choose to go. i want to see whatever my eyes choose to see. but there are always obstacles around me, getting in my way, pushing me in another direction than i'm heading. not allowing me to see what intrigues me, or preventing me from seeking out what attracts my curiosity. maybe i do some things because i was meant to do them for whatever unexplicable reason, and sometimes i feel as though those things aren't being achieved because of conflicting interferences. i feel as though i can never grasp complete control over myself and my fate. and that makes me feel extremely uncomfortable with the world i'm living in. and although that filipino guy sitting directly across from me on the skytrain didn't exactly tell me "you're not allowed to look straight ahead", i felt as though i was being a burden on somebody else's life by doing what came natural to me. i felt forced into seeing what i was told to see. i felt controlled. and it was a shitty feeling. ya... 
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Apr 05, 04
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Yah... I hate Transit... people always making me feel uncomfortable or implying that I'm threatining their space or some shyt like that. I love me Car. :)
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Apr 05, 04
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my gf always tells me i stare at people, but i dont give a damn...im just an observant person
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Apr 05, 04
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great analogy thing goin on Bob!
i used to feel the exact same way whenever i was high on the skytrain. but then it turned into a game sketching out as many people as possible. start twitching a little and make really flaily motions, talk to yourself a little, and no one gets close to fuckin with you.
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Apr 05, 04
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Apr 05, 04
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the only peopl who ever give me dirty loooks on transit is middle aged cranky women who feel i bring too much stuff on PUBLIC transit... (sorry im a student and cant afford a car)
transit is just another public place to meet people i always find, its better to pass on a smile then a look at the ground... but being female i think its easier to look up and smile (at male or female) boys always have to worry about if the girl will think hes sleazy or if the other guy will think he's poking fun at him and so on.... as for your analogy, dont feel shitty about it, be happy you have realized this and start controling yourself. take it as a lesson man, get off your rump and change shit.
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Apr 05, 04
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it was more of an on the spot thought and i just wanted to jot down a quick analogy... my life is too inconsistent for me to dwell on something for more than 20 minutes. i thought it was an interesting thought though. just one more way to look at the world around us...
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Apr 05, 04
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if you want to talk to people on the bus then do it, the only thing holding you back is your inhibition. there isn't enough strangers networking on the transit system today. a total break down in communication, and you can let it happen or just say hi and smile.
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Apr 05, 04
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Apr 05, 04
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ok think about it like this... there's a guy infront of you. you don't want to look at him, but he's still infront of you. so what do you do? you HAVE to look somewhere else if you don't want to look at him. now you have the choice to look off to the sides (but there might be other people there who you don't want to look at) or you could seek refuge in the floor. my point was that you're being denied your natural inhibition to do what you want to do. you want to look straight infront of you and see whatever you want to see. but that ugly filipino guy is sitting there blocking your view. and if you look at him, he's gonna look right back at you. and maybe you don't want that dude lookin' at you but he's gonna look at you anyways cuz you're looking at him. even if you're NOT really looking at him for the sake of looking at him but you just want to look straight infront of yourself, he's not gonna know that. HENCEFORTH, that person is blocking an option in your life. because you just wanna look straight ahead and see that fucking window with no friggin' hassles in your way. but some motherfucker is in your way.
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Apr 05, 04
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Insecure people have a tendency to think that everyone is watching assessing and evaluating them. One is more susceptible to interpreting other's looks as degrading if they see themselves as being degraded to begin with. Maybe you're just not happy with yourself, and it's just reflecting in daily life. Your entire posts makes you come across as some one who's completely lacking in confidence, who's trying to conceal their reality with a positive metaphor.
OR, maybe there is truth in your self-proclamation of being schizophrenic. They are watching you and They are plotting against you.
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Apr 05, 04
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this isn't about someone looking at me. this is about me not wanting to look at someone.
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Apr 05, 04
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Yes I did read your post otherwise how would I be replying to it. It sounds to me like you made a post about feeling like an absolute stranger is making you look in another direction, he didn't even say a word but your personal interpretation suggests that you felt like some stranger had authority over you.. And you seemed to confirm your possible insecurity by replying to someone else that maybe you WERE just being PARANOID.
if that's an misinterpretation.. then the second half seems to me like you're going on about how you have no control over you life, and that life seems to be controlling you. That you seem powerless, and a "burden" to a stranger's life. I interpreted that as lacking confidence, but that's just IMHO. Sure, you may just be the most confident person out there with everything in order in your life, so I could be wrong.
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Apr 05, 04
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like... if i wanted to fuck some girl, and she said no. then that would suck. you know what i mean? well ok that's not an accurate example. .. whatever i'm tired and horny.
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Apr 07, 04
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Where you seeing a blocked option - i choose to see possibility Maybe because of how I look at this ugly mofo - he'll have a thought and that thought will help shape his day, or maybe I'll smile at him (cause i'm that type) and he'll smile at someone else whose day will feel that much brighter because of it Maybe instead of staring out of the same old window seeing the same old thing my gaze will settle on something new and that something new could be an inspiration to me People, objects and circumstance can steer us - but ultimately we have control over the direction we go
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Apr 07, 04
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the ugly man didn't physically or verbally force you to stop looking at him, your own inhibitions stopped you from looking at him, based on assumptions about what he was thinking.
if you apply that logic to your analogy, maybe you'll see that it's your own inhibitions that are creating obstacles in your life. or maybe you won't. fuck i dunno.
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