for people who...

[magic_hands]

this thread is an essay that i wrote when i graduated highschool in febuary... i've been seeing alot of posts and threads from people that are depressed and i just wanted to let these people know that i've been there too.. and know what it's like... there is hope.. and don't give up :)


Changing my ways.

In the past weeks and months spent at Sands Alternate, there have been many experiences that have opened my eyes to new ideas and ways of doing things. Arriving late and acting out in truancy due to occurrences in my everyday life has been a constant struggle for me. To some, I am a sloth, a self-inflicting wound that damages hisself and constricts himself from education and knowledge. Noticing that I am seen this way I venture for ways in which I can rid myself of these burdens, these unforgiving weights hung around my neck that hold me firmly in place.

Once made out to be a simple problem to fix; as others made it seem, I tried and failed time and time again to conquer the things that made my life a dark and dreary place to be. As effected, like many others, the sleep depravation kept me in a constant whirlpool of confusion and dismay. Not knowing when or where I was coming or going, whom I was talking to or when it would ever end. Fifty-six days and fifty-seven nights of drowning in a sea of distracted thought, unknowing of what I have accomplished. Missing school for a month, losing marks and respect, it’s all a part of cause and affect. Insomnia has sunk it’s bloodsucking teeth into my neck and drained me to the last drop. Something has to be done. Stress and contemplation on other issues in my life has given new realization to the fact that I do have control, I just need to find the reigns and take hold. Forced to deal with things such as the loss of a few friends, gaining unwanted weight, and a bad breakup at the end of a long relationship. I pushed through my own personal problems, slowly gaining my strength and rejoining the class.

Watching my friends and family fall apart in front of my eyes for the very first time came as a shock. Learning to cope with this strange reality is still something that I struggle with today. My father, a loving and caring man at the age of 46 has managed to find what he wants in life and seized it. He no longer lives with us, he moved out in August, just two weeks after my nineteenth birthday. Also finding out that you have just lost a string of close friends to drugs and alcohol can have a serious affect on how you feel about yourself and how you live your life for a while. This was the first time I had ever had to deal with loss in this magnitude. Watching my mother suffering, struggling while faced with the fact that her family was breaking apart in front of her. At the same time trying to console my lost friend’s families and friends alike. There is a problem. No one is here to console me. I sit in my room alone, locked into my stories, drawings and music. Trying to escape my life at every chance that I get. The pressure of dealing with high school with all of this happening in my life is just too much for me to handle. Never seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I strive on like a blind man in a blizzard. Not knowing what I will encounter next.

Still making it to class once in a while, not enough for it to actually count as showing up, but still showing my face. I plant myself in the library and hit the books hard. Reminding me of the kids that I used to make fun of as an adolescent, I work at a dizzying pace, sheets of white and black flying from the printer like confetti at a parade. My work quality is top notch, but it’s my absenteeism that will drag me behind. Sometimes finishing an entire week’s worth of work in one day, I keep drudging on. Piles of catch up work building up until it feels like there is no end. I am now almost near the end of the semester, and I will be a graduate soon. I believe that I have the personal power and ability to overcome anything that stands in my way of completing my goals in life. Absenteeism is a small thing that will affect the credibility of my work ethic harshly. By dealing with my own personal issues I have the ability to rid my mind of the plague that is insomnia and depression. I will stop at nothing to achieve my goal. Along the way I will find someone that really does understand what I am going through, and I will have my shoulder to lean on.

Lifting the weights from my shoulders has been a task that I have needed much help with, and received little aid. The struggle has been long and hard, unrewarding and rewarding at the same time. I lost much and gained even more, for the personal skills of being able to deal with great burden is greater knowledge than anything that a high school course can teach. I have learned how to deal with severe depression, anxiety disorder and insomnia. Something that many people struggle with for years before getting the help they need. I did it on my own and I’m proud of myself. I do not regret missing one of the days that I did, it made me a better person.