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Sep 24, 04
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open relationships
So my girlfriend moved to toronto to do (yet another) degree, leaving us stranded at opposite ends of the country.
We've spent so much of the time we've known each other in different places that we've ended up breaking up a number of times - and each time, while we claimed we wanted to be apart we both ended up feeling really shitty and wanting to be with each other. This time, we've decided to make a go of the 'long distance' thing, though with a safety valve: we're allowed to sleep with other people. Realizing the potential for this to get messy, we came up with a set of rules: 1)we're allowed to sleep with other people. 2)if we do this, we've got to let the other know ASAP - when we do, they can veto us hooking up with that same person again. 3)the person we sleep with has to know we're in a committed relationship. 4)if either of us is getting edgy or upset with the way things are going, we need to have to tell the other right away. Personally, I think we're strong enough to make this work. But the reason I'm posting this here is that FnK, with all its drama and explosions seems like a pretty ample bank of experience to draw on when it comes to fucked up matters of the heart and sex. Has anyone here ever done the open relationship thing? Any horror stories - things I should be wary of? Or success stories? Lets hear.. 
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Sep 24, 04
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Ugh I dunno
If I'm in love and/or in a committed, serious relationship, then the last thing I could do was share. I hate sharing what is mine. I think its possible to separate love/feeling from sex, I've done it, but it might be weird with someone I loved always in the back of my mind. I also think that making it work with distance involved is hard enough, could you imagine juggling the complication of fucking other people in there? The idea of someone I loved fucking someone else would probably make me feel really weird, I'd probably only let that happen if I was there to join in.... I really don't know Simon, I know you think the two of you are strong enough..but can you handle it?
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Sep 24, 04
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I have and I prefer them actually...I will be honest though, it takes a certain type of mentality to maintain them. Everyone gets jealous every now and then but you just have to remember these things to have a successful relationship:
1) It is just sex, it does not mean anything. 2) If it turns into something more then you need to tell your partner right away and (unless you are in a polyamorous relationship) break it off with one of the people. 3) Whenever you start feeling jealous ask yourself why you are feeling this way...DO NOT EVER act on jealousy or you will for sure have problems. 4) After your partner has slept with someone, forget about it. It does not have anything to do with their feelings for you. If you stew on it then things will for sure go bad. Hope this helps... :)
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Sep 24, 04
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I totally hear what you are saying myra - and yes, I know that there is the potential for things to get a bit wierd here and there, and that jealousy may rear its ugly head... but I think I can handle a little bit of jealousy- that pang only reminds me how much that this girl makes me crazy, and how I want her as mine. I think I'd probably have the same idea about 'sharing' as you do if she and I were in the same place - but being so separated from each other its different. And of course, all of the potential pitfalls are why we set up really firm rules. Especially #4. Those aside though, I really think that there are some upsides to the deal. We're both in a pretty experimental place sexually right now, and one of the ideas underpinning the agreement is to allow each other room ot experiment and to bring new things back to the table when we're together again. It also keeps us from going a little bit crazy from prolonged periods of celibacy.
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Sep 24, 04
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What if she slept with a dude who has a 20" cock? then, my man, you're out of the picture...
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Sep 24, 04
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Here's a hint:
Change "You must know" to "You must NOT know" immediately after if you guys are sketchy about this at first. Unless you guys get off on it (which I recommend discovering a bit later than right now) I highly recommend the other party not knowing about it. The doubt is less doubt and more "It's likely they've fucked someone else, as I've fucked someone else." The second they know about it, there's a bunch of complications and issues that can arise from it. At least that's how I see it.
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Sep 24, 04
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^right. as much as you may thing you can handle hearing about it, it's totally different once you do. and if you're new at it, it's even worse. having veto is retarded if you live so far away. what are you going to do, make a detailed character study and send it off with pictures and a likes and dislikes list?
I have learned that there really is no such thing as an "open relationship" there are only relationships with open communication. so make sure that you are open to each other about whatever you are feeling because this is prime territory for festering.
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Sep 24, 04
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i'd be crazy go nuts 24/7 with a relationship like that
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Sep 24, 04
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Thats what the rules are there for, to ensure that the whole thing stays open in the communication arena. Thats also what the veto is about - its not about vetting potential guys or girls, its about being able to tell the other person you are uncomfortable if they seem to be getting to involved with anyone. You sound like you've done this (or something like it) before, so I take your opinion seriously - but I think as long as enough talking happens that we can manage this.
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Sep 24, 04
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well, i thought i was strong enuff to handle this. but as soon as i found out that my ex was sleeping with other people whilst we were still 'seeing each other' i freaked out and went mad...partly cause she lied to me so many times about it,and partly because it made me relize just how much i loved the fucking girl.....
you have to be honest. thats the most important thing. lack of honesty is what casues people to delete others.
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Sep 24, 04
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I think what god meant was that you may emotionally cheat on one another. Sure, if it's an open relationship then it's OK to sleep with other people, but what says that one of you won't get attached to said other person? I think it's definitely risky business. However, I think it's cool that you're so committed to your girlfriend that you will try anything to make this work.
My suggestion to both of you is to think of the "you can have sex w/other people" rule as a backup. You know, in case of stupid, drunken nights or the like. I wouldn't suggest either of you going out and having sex w/other people just because you "can". I think that will make things ridiculously messy. I was in a long-distance relationship not too long ago. He was supposed to be gone for a year, but it ended up just being a month. Before he left, we decided that we would stay together, and all current understandings in our relationship would stand, most importantly that it would remain a monogamous realtionship. I know that, personally, it would have fucking killed me if I knew he was even THINKING about other girls in a sexual way, because to me, sex is something I share with only the person I love. If he didn't think the same way I do, things could very well have been messy. IMO, be careful what you do, and be careful what you say. And make 100% sure that you BOTH always follow through with the communication rule! Good luck =)
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Sep 24, 04
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All I can say is that humans are adaptable and if at first it is weird and emotionally hard you WILL get used to it - eventually. Some people may take longer than others. And when and if it goes on for long enough it will almost seem "normal" or second nature. Next thing you'll know you'll be in your 40's and find yourselves attending swingers parties for fun!! Haha.
But yeah, you get used to it. And it does take a certain type of personality to pull it off successfully.
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Sep 25, 04
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its impossible to sleep with someone else when in your heart you already know ure in love with someone....unless liquor is involved. im really against this whole "open relationship" thing, it hurts a lot to know someone you really care for is sleeping with someone else. either end the damn relationship or be faithful and trust each other and stay together. seriously..whats the point of open relationships?
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Sep 25, 04
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Open relationships can be really tricky. Communication is the key though as with any type of relationship. I think having ground rules is a good idea and you should be talking about your relationship and what's going on every now and then just to be sure you're both on the same page. It does take a certain type of person to pull it off though... you need to be very patient and understanding and it helps a lot if you aren't a jealous freak.
Some people know how to separate their emotions from sex... others don't. When you really look at it open relationships can make a lot of sense and can actually bring the two main people in the relationship closer to one another. It alleviates the boredom some couples have after a while (you're bound to get bored of one another eventually) and it also brings new ideas to the bedroom thanx to other people's insights. I agree with Natalie that you should think of it as a back up plan instead of "oh hey I can hump mad bitches now w00t!" because you can end up getting too excited over that prospect and run with it. That's never a good idea because the next thing you know you're ignoring your bf/gf and they've found someone who's willing to spend more time with them then you are. Which brings up another rule I think you should have in this type of relationship... your bf/gf takes priority. If you're strong, understanding, have good communication and most importantly are 100% honest with one another (don't tell um what they want to hear because you think the truth will hurt um) I think it can work. I commend you on being mature enough to try and meet relationship problems head on instead of just blowing them off or breaking up.
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Sep 25, 04
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Either end it now. Or stay together. There's no in-between. How could you stand the pain of having her tell you she slept with someone else?? Same on her end! It's so heartbeaking, as much as you try to make it okay in your relationship. That is not a relationship!! Let eachother discover new things, new people! If you come back to eachother, it was meant to be. I hope everything works out for you two *hugs* That's so cool she's getting 2 degrees!!! Tell her congrats for me! What is she taking?
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Sep 25, 04
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Sep 26, 04
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'you must spread some karma around before giving it to ebbomegga again' honestly, I dont know how many people bothered to actually read the original post. People: I welcome your comments, but please actually read what I wrote first!
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Sep 27, 04
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...you say you think your relationship is strong enough to go through this drastic change,however what that says to me is that you are both weak. Not strong enough to like uhm fucking masturbate or something...you know phone sex works too?
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