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[Bitchin]

Nothing new to me.... but there might be something new to you.
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Night of 1,000 Sex Stunts

In the game of sex, you can do the old in-and-out. Or you can knock her knickers off with these sexual show-stoppers.

Maxim, May 2000

By Judy Dutton

At this point you’ve done tongue exercises, memorized the entire Kama-sutra, and can say with confidence that by flicking this switch and adjusting that knob, you can send your woman to planet Yes. But if you’ve decided to stick with this routine, there’s a good possibility your girlfriend is getting sick of your syndicated reruns.

“When a woman anticipates every move a man is going to make, she no longer becomes excited,” says John Gray, author of that infamous tome Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Sort of the same way you wouldn’t bother cracking open fortune cookies if they always said You will live to a ripe old age.

Want to take your run-of-the-mill but still great sex to an even higher plane? Maxim has scoured the earth for a Hefty bag of tricks she likely hasn’t seen—or felt—before. Which means the next time she’s expecting the same old same old, you can surprise her with a sex move that’ll make her jaw drop.

Grab a chair
Because a pool table, the kitchen counter, and the bathroom sink are about as comfortable as a convention of your ex-girlfriends, pull up a chair. Settle into an armless upholstered dining-room-type throne and have her straddle you with her legs dangling. Boner bonus: Sitting allows more blood to pool in the pelvic region, which means you’ll get a better than average hard-on to bring to the table.

Make her bed While guys can hump happily on a pile of dirty sheets, girls want the hay they roll in to be more refined. So make her bed with quality sheets. “Setting the scene for lovemaking shows you care enough to make an effort,” says Kevin Leman, Ph.D., author of Sex Begins in the Kitchen. The absolute best are Egyptian-cotton Frette sheets (800-353-7388; www.frette.it/index.html), which have found their way onto the beds of Madonna and the pope (proving their potential for offering a religious experience). While the price goes as high as $3,000, you can get a $500 set that will still be light-years from the linens she owns.

Hum your way home
The next time you’re yodeling down her valley, hum a little ditty. While she’ll probably think, Why do I always get the weird guys? she’ll change her tune once she feels the results. “Humming creates a buzz on your lips that when applied to her anatomy, works exactly like a vibrator,” says Sandor Gardos, Ph.D., a San Francisco sex therapist. Warm her up with some prolonged low moans to insure that your rendition of “Smoke on the Water” won’t be booed off the stage.

Hit her A spot
She’s heard truckloads about her G spot but zip about her other hot button, the anterior fornix erogenous zone, or A spot for short. The scientists conducting an experiment in 1996 to find a cure for vaginal dryness got more than they asked for: Stimulating that spot lubed the ladies in less than 10 minutes, and 95 percent of them reported blowing a fuse—some more than once. To replicate these findings in your own lab of love, slide two fingers inside her vagina a third of the way up on the front wall, until you hit a small mass of spongy material (that’s the G spot). Continue upward to find her cervix, which will feel round, like the end of your nose. Move back until you’re about halfway between her G spot and her cervix and move your fingertips clockwise over that spot.

Make fun of your willie
Women are careful not to laugh, smirk, or even smile at a guy’s johnson. But if you’ve been dating a woman for a while, give her permission to chuckle by drawing a smiley face on it. Or let her play ringtoss with it. The more you belittle your package, the bigger a man you become. “Women like a man who can treat his penis lightly because it shows he’s comfortable with his sexuality,” says Carol Queen, a San Francisco sexologist. For more ideas, log on to the Stupid Penis Tricks Web site (www.grownmencry.com), a forum where one-eyed comedians can share their show biz secrets.

Say you don’t want sex
Telling her you just want to talk or “make out” will stump her. “Women think men always want sex,” says Lou Paget, author of How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure, “so they often wait for men to make the first move.” But if you stop acting like a slobbery sex fiend, she’ll be forced to become one herself. If she calls your bluff and forgoes sex for conversation, talk about your carburetor and she’ll do you out of sheer boredom.

Toe her boat
Give your toes a crack at making her come. Lube up your little piggies and lie foot to crotch with her, so your biggest one’s in contact with her clitoris. You’ll be surprised how much you enjoy it: The nerve centers for your genitals and your feet share a border in one parietal lobe of your brain.

Go for the glow
Light up your night life with some recently FDA-approved Knight Light glowing condoms ($11.95 for a dozen; www.condomania.com, 800-926-6366). Or give your own lightsaber a break by using a Light Up DickStick ($39.95 at xandria.com), a clear jelly dong with a removable Glow Stick inside. Afterward rip off your face mask and tell her you’re an alien and that her next baby will glow like a 50-watt bulb.

Reposition your pecker
While thrusting gratifies your primal urges, it misses all her prime pleasure centers. Take the highroad by aiming your penis toward her bellybutton, which will cause your rod to rub against her G spot and A spot. Or take the low road: Shift your hips higher than hers and aim your penis at her back; this will make your shaft kiss up to her clitoris with each fell stroke.

Give her a hand
Because nothing dials God like a woman’s own digits, try matching her masturbation technique mano a mano: Lie parallel to your partner and reach between her legs with the same hand she uses to please herself. Lubricate your finger with her juices, then lightly rub her clitoris with a slow circular motion. About every 10 seconds, give the little button a rest and tend to the folds below. By the 10th time you head back up into the hills, she’ll be begging you to bring it on home.

Spice it up
Warn her about this in advance or she’ll think you’ve gone nuts: Keep a pepper shaker by the bed, and as she approaches the brink of bliss, sprinkle a dash of pepper under her nose. If she’s gifted enough to time her sneeze to coincide with her orgasm, she’ll be blown away in more ways than one. That’s because according to experts, sneezing both releases the same endorphins as an orgasm and causes a rapid alteration of her oxygen level that intensifies her climax. “That’s the allure of asphyxiation play,” says Dr. Gardos. But without the nasty side effects that come with hanging from the ceiling.

Leave her undies on
Since you’re perpetually devising ways to get her dang panties off, she’ll be surprised if you just let them be and instead apply warm, sloppy licks on top of and around that frustrating swath of material. Think of those undies as a buffer against your inborn tendency to pounce on her clit like a linebacker on a loose ball. “Women’s genitals can’t handle too much direct stimulation during the early stages of arousal,” says Dr. Gardos. So before you dive-bomb, put her shield up.


Pause between pumps
“Monotonous thrusting can have a numbing effect on a woman, especially if she’s not aroused enough to respond to intense sensation,” says Felice Dunas, author of Passion Play. So vary the speed and rhythm of your old in-and-out, or try a Tantric technique: Start with one deep thrust followed by seven shallow ones, then follow two deep thrusts with six shallow ones, and so on. She’ll be melting into the mattress by the time you reach the eight deep thrusts. Pausing after each one will set the stage for a cliff-hanger of a climax.

Get her off upside-down
Although you’ve tried every intercourse position from the Wheelbarrow to the Five-Legged Flying Serpent (you have tried those, haven’t you?), don’t forget there’s more than one way to go down on her. “Most couples try new positions for intercourse but not oral sex,” says Tracey Cox, author of Hot Sex: How to Do It. Try this: Lift her thighs onto your shoulders and raise her lower torso off the bed so she’s essentially upside-down: That way she’s very open to everything.

Give her a wake-up call
Unless she has an 8 a.m. meeting, your woman would probably be flattered to wake up and find you between her legs, working the early shift. Waking up to sex makes her think, I turn him on so much, he can’t control himself until I’m awake. That impulsiveness is exciting. But if you want to test the waters before you ruffle her REM, mention that her skimpy nightgowns keep you up all night; if she throws on long johns, stick to waking hours.

Get a tattoo
Imagine your girlfriend’s face when she finds her name tattooed on your ass! To bypass that annoying permanence problem, order a temporary brand from Tatt 2 World (800-747-8016). For $99 you’ll get 1,000 one-and-a-half-inch custom-made tattoos (yes, 1,000: Tatt 2 World doesn’t usually sell them to individual wackos like you). They wash off with soap and water, but the memory of Jim and Julia 2-getha 4-ever branded on your rump will last a lifetime.

Wet her whistle
Climb into a hot bath and have her sit on your lap bobsled style. Let the faucet run steadily over her privates, or experiment with the adjustable shower massager. “Running water works wonders on a woman’s anatomy because it yields a constant yet delicate pressure,” says Barbara Bartlik, a New York sex therapist.

Lend her a mirror
The next time you dive south, give her a handheld mirror so she can see your mouth working its magic on her in a whole new light; when you’re doing it doggy-style, put the mirror under her stomach for a front-row view of the genital junction. To increase the odds that she’ll like what she sees, keep the lights dimmed: It’ll make the difference between a rookie rendition of 9½ Weeks and a pimply C-list porno.

Heat her up, chill her out
Challenge her nipples to a taste test: Take a sip of a hot drink and touch her breasts with your warm lips; then take a sip of ice water and touch her again, firing up a set of nerve endings she didn’t know existed. “Certain nerve endings respond to touch; others respond to temperature,” says Jay Wiseman, author of Tricks: More than 125 Ways to Make Good Sex Better. “So if you activate both, she’ll get twice the buzz.” For the best effect, go back and forth between touching her gently and playing a game of hot-and-cold. “Skin becomes insensitive to the same stimulus after a while, so the more you vary it, the more she’ll feel it,” Wiseman says.

Give her the mint treatment
Ever since Monica Lewinsky talked about popping those “curiously strong” mints to give the president a curiously kick-ass hummer, breath mints have become an oral-sex staple. But you’ve got news for her: mints work even better on her because the menthol in the candy penetrates the mucous membranes of the vulva more easily than it does the penis. So dissolve one in your mouth, then head south. Surgeon General’s Warning: Women have different levels of sensitivity to menthol, and some may experience a burning sensation if you use too much (that’s also why you should avoid the cinnamon flavor). To be safe, start with one candy and wait five minutes; if she doesn’t feel it, pop another and repeat. Hope you’re hungry. She may want a tin’s worth.