still not knowing what to say

mugsy · #1 (**permalink**) May 31, 05

so ive been going through having a sick dad for three years, and seemingly i have had a few friends who have always seemed to done the right thing at the right moments to not neccessarily make me feel better, but just make me feel something more then sad\upset - its tough to explain. i guess the best way to put it - they knew what to do.

i just recently learned that my very good friend of 8 years - in most cases my partner in crime - has just learned that her dad has a mass in his lungs. they saw it in an x-ray for his ribs, and and leaning towards cancer.
im speechless. this is the lady who on the day that we found out my dad's cancer was terminal, made sure i was ok, then went and sat with my parents for an hour just talking. she has an amazing head on her shoulders - but with that being said she is very headstrong - something i adore about her. she doesnt really express sadness that well. i know through my own experience that this can kick you in the bum hard later on, but i also know the worst thing to say is "be sad, why arent you sad, lets talk about it, how are you feeling, ect." at least for myself it is, and i find it easier to talk when im ready and willing and need to. i know her well enough that she'll work somewhat in the same manor.

with all this being said, i thought i would be able to be a better ear for her to talk to. that i could at least offer something other then knowledge about cancer operations\treatments. i feel awful, i turn to talking about my own experiences and then i feel like im being extremely selfish. i dont often respond with "well for us....." mostly with just what i feel about the situation\or with a hug or with her favorite - escapism. (not drugs, but going for coffee, a movie, chocolate, running... things like that.)
shes smart enough to know how to keep herself busy, and shes saying that she is not worrying until they get full results back.

maybe its just that i cant stand to see her experience this because i know how much it hurts and how scarey it is and how much a single word can change everything, but fuck. through my experience sympathy and empathy from others just makes me feel shittier. i just cant stand to see her hurt like this.

miss.myra · #2 (**permalink**) May 31, 05

sometimes you don't need to say anything, you just need to be there for them.

MissBehavior · #3 (**permalink**) May 31, 05

^Listen to the Myra..She's one smart cookie.

mugsy · #4 (**permalink**) Jun 04, 05

Quote:

Originally Posted by miss.myra

sometimes you don't need to say anything, you just need to be there for them.

but for some reason or other, its not feeling like its enough.
is this normal?

sungoo · #5 (**permalink**) Jun 04, 05

no one can ever take the pain away, but they sure can help ease it.

goodluck.

crackdragon · #6 (**permalink**) Jun 05, 05

Quote:

Originally Posted by mugsy

but for some reason or other, its not feeling like its enough.
is this normal?

Of course it normal.... nothing a friend could do, could make one feel that everything is alright. Especially when it comes to something like this happening to a loved one. Showing you care and that your support is there when neeeded is sometimes all one can do. The best of luck to all of you :)

miss.myra · #7 (**permalink**) Jun 06, 05

Quote:

Originally Posted by mugsy

but for some reason or other, its not feeling like its enough.
is this normal?

I find that a lot of the time feeling so helpless really means you care. Make sense?

Jingles · #8 (**permalink**) Jun 06, 05

there will be a time where it is devestating that it is not reality..and in that time, your friend might not want to talk about it -- it's like mourning, sometimes right away is too soon...the chock has to subside and then reality can filter in

til then, take her hand and let her know it is there when she needs it, when she thinks she doesn't and when she just isn't sure --

she knows it already i am sure, but it is okay to give a wee reminder =)

pinkpanther · #9 (**permalink**) Jun 06, 05

my best friends dad was sick for a while and everyone assumed it was the fly, when he started loosing weight and was unable to get out of bed anymore they knew something was wrong. He went to the hospital and they ffound a tumor in his asofogus (sp?), two days later they found out it was cancerous and 2 days after that the doctors announced that he had 3 weeks max to live. All this happebed in one month. Now my best friend is fatherless and her mother is without her lover of 20 something years. She doesnt really come out much any more and likes to spend lots of time with her family but she she knows im there no matter what. Sometimes its hard for me to know what to say and sometimes i feel like im not doing enuff but ultimately i know that she just needs my love and support, and she knows ill always be there.

justa~gurl · #10 (**permalink**) Jun 08, 05

Quote:

Originally Posted by mugsy

but for some reason or other, its not feeling like its enough.
is this normal?

of course it is.
i'm sure if you could, you would make it all go away, so that no one could be hurt ever again, but unfortunately, life doesn't work that way... thats where the helplessness feeling comes in.
just be there for your friend..let her know.. and if you are as close as you say you are, she knows that you will be there for her already.. all you have to do is wait for her to come to you when she is ready to

good luck mugsy