[A shabby-looking apartment. Mark is sitting on a crate, and Bruce is standing at the stove, stirring something in a saucepan.]
Mark: Hey, is dinner almost ready? I'm really starved.
Bruce: Yep, here it comes buddy.
[Bruce sets the pan down on a crate in front of Mark, hands him a fork, and sits down on another crate opposite him.]
Mark: Oh, yeah. Oh man, this macaroni and cheese smells great, huh?
Bruce: Yeah, yeah.
[They both start to eat macaroni & cheese (like the Kraft kind that comes in a blue box) out of the pan.]
Mark: Y'know, it's not too runny.
Bruce: It's not, uh, too crispy.
Mark: Y'know what, I think it's just right.
Bruce: It's perfect, it's perfect, perfect.
Mark: Tell you what- I'll make the macaroni and cheese tomorrow night, okay?
Bruce: Okay, and then I'll make it the night after that.
Mark: Hey, but I get to make it the night after that!
[They eat some more.]
Both: Mmmmmmmmm.
Bruce: Hey listen, are you ready for the second course?
Mark: Mmmm, bring it on, bring it on, bring it on.
[Bruce picks up a bottle of catsup from behind him and waves it in front of Mark's nose.]
Mark: Mmmm, ooh...
[Bruce squirts a lot of catsup into the pan, and they stir it in with their forks. They keep eating.]
Bruce: I wonder what the poor people're doing?
[Both of them laugh. Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door.]
Mark: Who could that be?
Bruce: I don't know.
[They pick up the pan, lift up the crate between them, and hide the pan under the crate.]
Bruce: Come in!
[The door opens, and Scott, as Mr. McKim, enters.]
Scott: Hey guys!
Bruce: Hi.
Scott: Nice place you got here.
Bruce and Mark: Thanks.
Scott: I'm from the macaroni and cheese company, and did you know that the two of you have consumed, in one year, over a ton and a half of macaroni and cheese?
Bruce: Well, we eat it every night.
Mark: Yeah.
Scott: I know that. That's why we decided to donate to you boys, absolutely free of charge, a five-year supply. Bring it in, Dad!
[A man enters with a stack of boxes, each with "McKim Macaroni and Cheese" on the side.]
Scott: Come on, just sit there tight, here it comes.
Bruce: Pinch me, I must be dreaming!
Mark: Oh my God!
[Kevin enters, with red hair and wearing a red jacket.]
Kevin: Hi! Nice place you got here.
Bruce & Mark: Thanks.
Kevin: I'm from the catsup company, and we've been watching you. Our records show that you've eaten four hundred and fifty gallons of catsup in the last year, each!
Bruce: Well, we eat it every night.
Mark: Yeah. Even Christmas!
Bruce: Yeah.
Kevin: Bring it in, Cloris!
[A man enters with another stack of boxes, all marked "CATSUP".]
Bruce and Mark: Oh, no, no.
Mark: Oh my God.
Bruce: It's all happening too fast!
Mark: Hey, enjoy the ride, little buddy!
[Dave enters.]
Dave: Hey, nice place here.
Bruce & Mark: Thanks.
Dave: Hi. I'm a scientist, I'm with the Loser Research Foundation, and we've been watching you guys with a lot of interest. And according to our studies, with the amount of macaroni and cheese and catsup you've consumed, you've probably got tapeworms about this big.
[Dave holds up his hands, about two feet apart.]
Scott: Probably the catsup.
Kevin: Macaroni.
Mark: We didn't mean no harm!
Bruce: Yeah! We just really dig the taste!
Dave: Did you really think you could eat that much garbage without any side effects?
All except Dave: Yeah.
Dave: Well, don't worry about it. Wheel it in, Leachman!
[Another man brings in a pile of sacks labeled "Tapeworm Food".]
Mark: Macaroni and cheese.... and catsup.... and tapeworm food?
Bruce: Man, we're set for life!
Mark: Yeah, we're set for life, we are!
Bruce: Hey! This gives me an idea.
Mark: Hey! [holds his hands up] Quiet!
[Bruce starts singing. Mark joins in clapping the beat.]
Bruce: [singing] Ho dee oten doten day, ho dee oten day oh, ho dee oten doten day, fattening up our [Mark joins in near the end] tapeworms!
Mark and Bruce: [clapping and singing; the others join in later] Ho bee oten boten bay, ho bee oten bay, HEY! Ho bee oten boten bay, fattening up our tapeworms!
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Dec 29, 05
