Tool frontman finds Jesus, Soon to quit band

b0ld · #1 (**permalink**) Apr 05, 05

Christ (literally) last time it was the guitar player from korn and now Tool....

read this.

http://www.soundgenerator.com/news/i...articleid=5266

What next marilyn manson to be a buddhist monk?

BongMan · #2 (**permalink**) Apr 05, 05

cough April Fools cough cough

BongMan · #3 (**permalink**) Apr 05, 05

wow that site you were lookin at is slow on the news this was posted on the Tool site on the first of April..

b0ld · #4 (**permalink**) Apr 05, 05

really... the tool website has it dated on the 31st of march... so much for april fools

BongMan · #5 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

Last I heard it was a April Fools prank done by the band...

krisamata · #6 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

^^^ i also heard the same

you've been fooled FOOL

Mr.Wrong · #7 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

shit i was about to curse jesus out something evil

Gusto · #8 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

after hearing maynard's lyrics, this would blow my mind if it was true, haha.

Cdn_Brdr · #9 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

If this had of actually happened Jesus would have gotten an evil mouthful outta me.

I don't even know if the curse words I'd use have even been invented yet!

impure · #10 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

and here i thought my world was about to crumble.
i smell a rat.

Gusto · #11 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

Quote:

Originally Posted by maynard

You're such an inspiration
For the ways
That I'll never ever choose to be
Oh so many ways for me to show you
How your savior has abandoned you

(Fuck your God)
Your Lord, your Christ
(He did this)
Took all you had and
(Left you this way)
Still you pray, never stray, never
(Taste of the fruit)
Never thought to question why

somehow i don't think they're gonna let him into heaven anyway, haha.

neoh · #12 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

dude, no.

Maynard would never find Jesus, plain and simple.

It's a hoax, it has to be.

Bad Karma for even thinking it.

Jesus CHRIST, why dont you come save my life now.
Open my eyes, blind me with your light now!

My Gods Will, becomes me.
When he speaks, he speaks through me!
He has needs, like I do.
We both want, to RAPE YOU!@$

impure · #13 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

i found jesus, he was hiding behind the couch the whole time!

clevich · #14 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

Quote:

Originally Posted by impure

i found jesus, he was hiding behind the couch the whole time!

trying to find loose change and bread crumbs.... damn jesus.

impure · #15 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

i find so much cool shit when i look under the couch.
bracelettes, hair clips, shoes, money, drugs....
it's like going shopping....almost.

mapleleaf4ever · #16 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

^ That was like looking under the Seats in my Mustang after a Weekend.

BongMan · #17 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

ya looked under my bed last night found a cigar some smokes some pot and a mostly empty baggy of white powder

Scarface · #18 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

well, praise jesus.

ppcock · #19 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

we're all homosexuals.. i got 83 stds!

veN · #20 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

Quote:

Originally Posted by mapleleaf4ever

^ That was like looking under the Seats in my Mustang after a Weekend.

What is it about mustangs? I used to find al kinds of stuff in my '89. I don't find anything cool in my Jetta. I guess that's bc I keep it way cleaner now. Haha.

impure · #21 (**permalink**) Apr 06, 05

Quote:

Originally Posted by ppcock

i got 83 stds!

thanks for the heads up marty.

neoh · #22 (**permalink**) Apr 20, 05

"Christians, huh? So forgive me." - Bill Hicks

Good news, April fools fans. The writing and recording is back under way. When approached for comment on his recent encounter with the Son of God, Maynard said, "That guy's a punk!"
As it turns out, Maynard was out "location scouting" near the Fourth Street bridge in downtown Los Angeles when he "found Jesus."
"Turns out he was here the whole time, and not that difficult to find if you know where to look," Maynard reported. Apparently Jesus offered him the position of campaign manager for his new line of "Holier Than Thou" sparkling holy water, which Maynard of course accepted. What wasn't obvious was that this guy is a total drunk. It's an occupational hazard. Every time our Lord goes to get a glass of water, it transforms into a generic grocery store Merlot. Because the alcoholic is the Son of God and an all-knowing being, he knew of Maynard’s extensive interest in collecting wine. So he went to work trying to get his lips on it. Maynard caught J.C. in his cellar transforming his precious wine collection into urine, then pissing it into the empty "sparkling holy water" bottles for the eventual sale to all those people who bought, read, and embraced "The Celestine Prophesy." Tragic.
"Truth be told," Maynard confessed, "I wasn't feeling top notch when I found him. The evening prior to the day in question I had over-indulged in a series of bad Molotov shrimp cocktails with a side of Makers Mark and twin strippers. So after an entire night of G.I. Blowouts, hot/cold sweats, and blurred vision, it's very possible that the guy I met wasn't even Jesus at all. For all I know, it was Willem Dafoe."

neoh · #23 (**permalink**) Apr 20, 05

Quote:

Originally Posted by neoh

dude, no.

Maynard would never find Jesus, plain and simple.

It's a hoax, it has to be.

Bad Karma for even thinking it.

Did I call that shit or what?

Gusto · #24 (**permalink**) Apr 20, 05

Quote:

Originally Posted by neoh

Did I call that shit or what?

you and everyone else.

Scavello · #25 (**permalink**) Apr 20, 05

first off, you obviously haven't listened to the lyrics for opiate (great song)

and second of all, i wouldn't be at all surprised if marylin manson wasn't already buddhist. hes incredibly smart for a rock star, and i didn't give him much credit until i saw bowling for columbine. it has an interview with him, where he talks about society filling everyone with fear, and about the 2 kids from columbine high school. good movie.