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Dec 30, 05
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The Top 10 Or 11 Releases That Ate Corporate Balls From 2005 Revisited
This is a year-end article of mine that never got used. I hope you'll find some enjoyment in it.
Hey, now is the time of year for all music media, mainstream asshole and indie superior alike, to release a list of what they consider to be the best releases from the past 12 months, give or take. For more than any other reason, these are submitted mostly to give people like you something to bitch about in forums or conversation, as you believe your taste is just that much better than whoever that was on some website or in whatever magazine. And so, in the interest of revealing a more complete perspective… The Top 10 Or 11 Releases That Ate Corporate Balls From 2005 Revisited By filmore mescalito holmes 10) Kings Of Leon “Aha Shake Heartbreak” (RCA/RIAA) They’ve been saying rock is dead for decades now. Even the partly responsible Lenny Kravitz echoed this statement. So why anyone would look to a gaggle of inbred, mop head, panty sniffing, gang banging cousins for a revival is beyond me. Caleb’s nasally squonk of a voice only makes the Kings’ total lack of originality and soul that much more obvious. They admittedly play only to get laid but, from the sound of it, they’d rather drink beer than screw anyway so there’s really no point in this band existing. Damn, Jimmy, we sure is ignant. We suuuuuuure is. 09) Santana “All That I Am” (Arista/RIAA) Released in early November, this is perfect Xmas timing for the savvy marketer and no happy coincidence either. All That I Am, if you are to take this title at face value, is only about making a profit. Anyone who has seen Santana’s Woodstock footage knows that money is all he is now. Having been burnt out for twenty odd years, we’re still waiting for the fade-away part. He used to have a soul. 08 ) R. Kelly “TP.3 Reloaded” (Jive/RIAA) / Shaggy “Clothes Drop” (Geffen/RIAA) What does it take to make pop stars too wrong and creepy to keep putting out records or, which is more, for people to stop buying them? Are you going to buy George Dubya’s country album when that comes out too? Is this really what you accept as freedom? Face facts, if you have to listen to the likes of these guys to feel sexy, you are not meant to breed. 07) Nickelback “All The Right Reasons” (Roadrunner/RIAA) If Nickelback fans had even the smallest amount of rational judgement, they’d only have to waste money on one LP from these regrettably Canadian hacks. Then they could just copy it a few times and write all the other album titles on them. Boom, there’s the entire Nickelback catalogue for a fraction of the cost. 06) The Darkness “One Way Ticket To Hell…And Back” (Atlantic/RIAA) …is actually a return ticket but I guess that wouldn’t sell as well, which is the only Darkness goal. All the hardcore Steve-O and Ron Jeremy fans were lining up the day this one came out. It’s in the running for the dumbest project name in music history with the grade school lyricism and copied note-for-note hair metal riffs to back it up. Next to the men’s room wall in 7-11, this is the absolute bottom rung for dick jokes. 05) TATU “Dangerous And Moving” (Interscope/RIAA) Nice fake lesbian image, terrible synthesized sound: this is the peak of pop music today. And the RIAA wonders why sales are down 8%. But really, why waste your money on this manufactured discharge when you can buy real porn at the corner store? As soon as Hustler comes out with a CD every month, acts like this will go the way of my erection, down permamently. 04) Ashlee Simpson “I Am Me” (Geffen/RIAA) You guys do know she has nothing to do with the production of her music, right? She barely scratches out co-writing credits with a song writing team on this pre-recorded lie. When you buy this CD, you're not actually buying music. You are buying a carefully marketed, totally false product. The fact that SNL brought her back after her Milli Vanilli debacle is proof of both the death of that completely irrelevant “live” show and the upcoming apocalypse (2012, mark it on your calendar). 03) Jennifer Lopez “Rebirth” (Sony BMG/RIAA) Now that she’s been reborn, is she still Jenny from the block? This Jenny has a 60-110 person entourage following her around everywhere she goes while demanding all dressing rooms and holding areas she’ll ever see are painted white so I guess she must be the same self-proclaimed movement she always was. Now, if she was ever human, that’s another question. Personally, I’m thinking she’s a succubus. 02) Black Eyed Peas “Monkey Business” (A&M/RIAA) They sing a song about Fergie’s breasts…called “My Humps.” Have you ever heard anyone refer to their privates as “lumps” but in a cute, not cancery way, in real life? No, you haven’t. The main reason behind this, aside from the fact it sounds retarded, is that “lumps” in tits are cancery and about as far from sexy as you can possibly get. Long-term exposure to this music will, however, give you tumours. 01) 50 Cent “The Massacre” (Aftermath/RIAA) Hooray, it’s meaningless violence acting like music. In light of Fiddy’s recent video game and feature film, I’m even more flabbergasted at how many people are stupid enough to believe a word he says. You do know everything about him is completely fictional, right? Not a fucking thing from any project he’s ever been involved in has any inkling of truth in it (or the most basic human decency, for that matter). I doubt he was ever shot and, if he was, he probably got one of his buddies to do it to improve his cred. Listening to this or any CD like it for any length of time is the equivalent of taking a generic knockoff moron pill. 
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Dec 31, 05
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it's like all my thoughts of mainstream music have been summed up into a tidy little year-end-review package ! beautiful.
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Dec 31, 05
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For how much the guy seems to hate pop music, he sure listens to alot of it.
I don't think i could stand to hear 2 minutes of any of those albums, let alone write up a fuckin essay on why i hate all that music so much....
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Dec 31, 05
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Well, here's the full reviews of the CDs I did if you want more detail. I've got a Darkness review just ready to post too so wait for it.
http://www.tinymixtapes.com/musicrev...nickelback.htm http://www.tinymixtapes.com/musicrev..._eyed_peas.htm http://www.tinymixtapes.com/musicrev...gs_of_leon.htm http://www.tinymixtapes.com/musicreviews/f/50_cent.htm
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Dec 31, 05
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Dec 31, 05
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i know what you mean... I've given up on expecting the masses to choose better music. It's a lost cause since slow pre teens are a fat chunk of the market.
Thank goodness for mp3 players :)
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Jan 03, 06
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Reviewing mainstream music to provide satirical entertainment is one thing, but as an obvious rant, its tired, weak, and a waste of your time and energy. There will always be a market for this sort of music (hence why it brings in the largest profits) so there will always be a plague of generic, biting, over produced, hyped up garbage,, but realistically if you consider yourself above such crap THEN STAY AWAY FROM IT. I think it comes to the point, where if we really want to get involved in some sort of re-injection of quality music in the populace(you need patience for miles!) then i think shitting on shit music is the wrong way to go. Support quality idependent magazine stores and music shops and music sites, and well MUSICIANS. Mainstream musuck is irrelevent, because in this day and age quality music has the ability to make it to the masses - but a certain amount of responsibility is on the fan to find it, exlpore and share it.
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heres a few of my pics if you would enjoy picking up a magazine or paper that is enjoyable to read, not something you spent 10 bucks on to line your bird cage with. more mainstream -urb -xl8tr somewhat grassroots/independant -synthesis -undercover -elemental -pound (canadian) -rinse (canadian) As for locations to find some good independant magazines:: -sophies off seymour + hastings -chapters off granville+burrard (all other chapters are terrible) -theres a magazine store across the way from the above mentrioned chapters on the north side of broadway further west towards burrard. im a magazine/music writing whore, and now that i save money from not drinking or drugging im spending all my money on magazines (after transit + art supplies :() so if your ever up for a serious zine shop offensive, i can outfit yeah with some gems. Or just hit up some of local rec shops and talk to heads there, they always gots a good grip on whats good on print. Quote:
haha! nice!! ps: i know in the past there were several initial meetings about starting another local mag, but priorites took precedent, and it never went through. Im always down to meet new peeps who bring some quality, non contrived opinion to the fray, and there are others in this city who are in the same boat, perhaps this is a goof time to find such people? By your writing and your opinions it seems like this is a passion for you, perhaps you just need to shift your approach?? gluck, and hit me up if your down for checking out some shops peace+respect shak Last edited by fable; Jan 03, 06 at 12:12 AM.
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Jan 03, 06
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Yeah, you can say it's a bit of a passion. Right now I write for tinymixtapes.com and ION Magazine here in Van. This was just something I wrote while bored on the set of Xmen 3 with nothing but a notepad and a copy of last month's Spin. Talk to you later. FMH
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Jan 03, 06
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cool! I hope i didnt sound like i was shitting on your writing, but with your ability and obvious passion, i feel we need heads like you to focus on the fringe, and let the mainstream eat itself, shit itself out, and then eat again :)
A classmate of mine, does design projects for ion from time to time - leslie mau, shes wicked talented! There you go, theres three cats already in the know, and would probably jump at such an opportunity. Who knows!? catch yeah later, throw up more of your writing too
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Jan 03, 06
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Jan 06, 06
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Review
The Darkness - One Way Ticket To Hell…And Back
Why, Gawd…why? First my whole family is suicide bombed by a radical faction of Nickelback fans, now this. And as I gaze upon the cover of One Way Ticket and cringe at the accidental sighting of the retards in leotards responsible for it there in, I can’t help but envision the upcoming apocalypse with an unnerving sense of justification. You don’t have to look far to see that stupidity runs deep in The Darkness. The title of the self-proclaimed hardest working band in the world’s second album alone should send a chill through your spine like the icy hand of death. A one way ticket anywhere and back is not a one way ticket, geniuses…but will their even more hardworking fans notice? Watch the sales figures swell and see the confirmation of Nostradamus’ nightmares. As such, the true success of The Darkness is directly hinged on Western society’s glorification of stupidity at any cost (hence Jackass, Tom Green, Paris Hilton, Big Brother, President Bush, etc). How else could it be possible that a band who would write a song called “Knockers” could win a “songwriters of the year” award (Ivor Novello)? Jesus, people. I’m often explained that the justification for The Darkness’ existence is because people are tired of such and such genre or whatever shite corporate-made rock/pop fad. So why is shit a good excuse for more shit? Is this why Bush got his second term? What is it with humankind’s inborn socio-political masochistic tendencies? To answer the many claims that lead squealer Justin Hawkins is just a bad Freddie Mercury rip-off, The Darkness hired Queen producer Roy Thomas Baker to further sharpen their sound beyond mere plagiaristic hackery to pristine “Weird” Al parody perfection. So the mission statement of this CD is clear; this is a product made by the emotionally and culturally sterile for people who either have no conception of love, depression, and any other emotional state outside of pop culture cliché or those so desperate for entertainment that they would deceive themselves into thinking the feckless chicanery of this masturbatory ensemble resembles soulful expression in any way. This is not even really “rock.” While “rock” is a music genre, The Darkness is, always has been, and will always be consumable entertainment first, a misunderstood joke second, and clever never. This whole thing is the brainchild of the previously mentioned Justin “Crotch Burn” Hawkins, a horrible, leg humping twit who (in the Christmas 2005 issue of Spin) blames his record label for his debut selling less than half of the copies sold in his native UK in the larger US market. There he’s quoted as saying, in true Michael Jackson versus Sony fashion, “[Atlantic] dropped the ball on us completely, stopped promoting us. I’ve got nothing against them, but they cocked it up.” Since he claims The Darkness is the best band in the world at every photo opportunity, if that was remotely true, you’d think even modest promotion would prove it so instead of the exact opposite. Hawkins never was one to make connections like this, visible in how the page where he discusses not recording with Shania Twain producer Mutt Lange because he thought Hawkins “was gay, or camp” faces a picture of the flaming pubes tattooed Hawkins riding a stuffed Siegfried & Roy royal white tiger over the audience while wearing a skin-tight one piece jumpsuit…which, at least from an image standpoint, is about as gay and camp as you can possibly get, post Liberace. As such, The Darkness are to music what the WWE is to wrestling. Hawkins, reputed to be the best looking lead singer since Mick Jagger, is right to hold reservations about Americans confusing the message of the opening title track, though, and understandably so. It’s supposed to be a “music: my anti-drug” type of song. But, after the Ricola pan flute intro, there’s a really keen stereophonic straw sniffing medley which dissolves into the typically derivative hair metal guitars, all too eerily remembering that late eighties era of spectacular coke use and the fashion, intelligence, and music that discharged out of it. The cover itself depicts a train that seems to be heading out of Meatloaf’s Bat Out Of Hell II: Back Into Hell, so this project is next to impossible to take seriously. When you think about the likes of 50 Cent, you can see that The Darkness probably are just a bit of harmless fun, but so is jerking off and that won’t cost you fifteen bucks. Either way, just make sure we can’t hear you.
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Jan 16, 06
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Jan 16, 06
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Quoted from your article;
"This whole thing is the brainchild of the previously mentioned Justin "Crotch Burn" Hawkins, a horrible, leg-humping twit who (in the Christmas 2005 issue of Spin) blames his record label for his debut selling less than half of the copies sold in his native UK in the larger US market. There he's quoted as saying, in true Michael Jackson versus Sony fashion, "[Atlantic] dropped the ball on us completely, stopped promoting us. I've got nothing against them, but they cocked it up." Since he claims The Darkness is the best band in the world at every photo opportunity, if that was remotely true, you'd think even modest promotion would prove it so instead of the exact opposite." Well yes. Atlantic did drop the ball. They didn't get much airplay in the states on radio. Atlantic didn't push them hard enough at all down there. If the lable doesn't play the game with the media titans down in the states, they just don't get the airplay. In Euroupe, the radio djs have alot more pull in what they broadcast. It's the reason they got so big over there was because of the extra push they got from djs. People hear the song over there and they love it and start requesting it and it snowballs from there. Down hear we are more or less told what to like by the suits. I find it very funny how the push works out here. I never ever though The Killers would breakthrough like they did into the mainstream. The album was ok. A couple of duffers (the darkness has them too), but it got huge cause Island played it right. I read the Hawkins doesn't give a fuck anymore about the States. He's realized his lable just isn't going to take the chance on promoting them in States cause he's a glam rock star which looks faggy to the Eminem, homophobic, pop music buying teen male. It's the suits, not thier tunes or image(well maybe their image) that's hurting them in the States. Keep the push in mind.
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Jan 17, 06
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I was in the UK when the Darkness got big. I hoped upon hope that it was just a British thing...
...the very first song that was on the radio as soon as I got back was the Darkness. All my old friends in Kamloops thought it was awesome. I remembered why I left and moved to Van as quickly as possible.
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Jan 17, 06
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Jan 17, 06
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Jan 18, 06
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What the producer say to the pop star? That take was shit!...Your done for the day.=)
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