the beggining of the second section

[munky_no_fun]

i know these are lengthy, but they are excerpts from a novel, so for those who want to read enjoy!!!!


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When you hear the sirens echo through the air, it sends tiny ripples through your body and exits through your eyes in tears. I killed them. I know I personally wasn’t there, but I wished them dead. The first star was shining too bright that night and left this looming shadow behind me. It’s all my fault. I am sorrow.

Pop the first pill while sitting in the middle of what used to be your families living room. This is now yours. The blood of your loved ones will mock you forever. This is my punishment. There is no one around. I fear now I curse everyone. Tears. Why now? They wont see me graduate. Pop the next pill. Once when I was older¼

There is no one here to stop you. The brick wall I built is in it’s beginning steps. Lay down the brick, spread the mortar, level repeat. Soon you will discover in repetition lies a subtle feeling of ease. In repetition soon you will have discovered there lies a subtle feeling of ease. For now though go with what you know. See E makes you feel better. It takes your problems and melts them away. I’m the snowball of summer.

Feel the third hit your tongue. Why isn’t this working? !5 minutes now have passed, you float in the sea of regret. Regret your words. Flashback now to the past, wipe those tears away none of this has happened. “Who the fuck gets..??” I do I get 38%. The miserable waste that sits here now. You are garbage. Take a breath. With sadness my thoughts have no focus, they jump to every bad moment. Why¼ why did this happen? None of this matters, death is the inevitability of life. The comical end of something pointless. We strive so hard for everything, when none of it matters. The forth goes down hard.

I choke now trying to force it down, I can feel my body rejecting it. Water. When on E water becomes your best friend. Breath. I need focus, I cant concentrate on breathing. Open the pack of cigarettes you bought. Nicotine calms the nerves. My nerves are over the edge, cliffhanging with only three fingers. Lift yourself up and get a better grip.

The metal edged wheel hit’s the flint precisely when the plastic trigger releases the gas. Fire. I hold the lighter to the end of the smoke. The orange burning tobacco trails slowly down the paper towards my lips. The rush. Feel the tiny numbness around your body. The edge is gone. You are here, on top. Looking down on the world. Five.

With 5 caps inside you, you can already predict this wont be a nice trip. I can taste the awful powder on my tongue. My escape is failing me. 20 Minutes and the first hasn’t begun kicking in yet. Judging by previous experiences in 5 minutes I should get the first rush. Then two minutes later the next. A domino effect will follow. Soon I wont be able to move, reality will blur in and out, spinning in circles until nausea jump starts my internal self. Tick¼tick¼tick¼ I actually count out the seconds, a sadistic desperation falls over me. I want out.

Suicide only hurts if you fail. Pain doesn’t matter. In the end we die. Everyone dies. I’m already dead. When you live in regret, and high on e nothing matters anymore. Make the bad thoughts stop. Six. By now everything should be alright. I shouldn’t be sad. My tears shouldn’t fall. Everything is happy. Where is the release of troubles? I’ve lost my secret place that so many share. It abandoned me like I abandoned my family. I should of died.

I can feel the first kicking in, the joy I anticipated is replaced with an ever growing gloom. My tormented sadness is enhanced by this horrible drug. I look to the bag that laughs in front of me. I need happiness. I need happiness. I need. Grab the bag. Play with it. 94 pills. 94...If I do them all I should be happy. I will be. My parents will be back here, we’ll talk and eat dinner. I’ll finally comment on my Moms new hair and Dad will be complimenting me on my grading with honours. I’m the disappointment of highbred expectations that I placed on myself.

Grab a handful. The cigarette lies untouched in the ashtray. The collected ash hangs fee from the ignited end. Its weight will soon collapse it into dust. Smoke swirls and strays into the air above and I long to be the same. My soul rising from my lifeless body, reaching for the nearest cloud. Reaching for my brothers hand. My mother watching with her smile. Dad doing his work.

We are happy.

Throw the pills in your mouth. This is how it was meant to be. Ignore the knocking coming from behind the door. Choke them down. Once when I was younger I had a dream I’d do this. In death you find your escape. My family is free from my torment, so I will be too. Ignore the faded cries of the background. Who is she? Death is my only friend now. When everything grows black you will understand this all.