Wilting

[Lush]

Awhile ago Max brought up a "flower in a blossoming meadow" metaphor and this poem was somewhat inspired by it.


Delicate petals blooming gracefully in a scattered world of uncertainty;
She sways in the wind and firmly holds her ground.
Ambition, hope, pride and dreams, her world is merely a fairytale of opportunity...
And they tell her that she's beautiful - she smiles and courteously accepts the words as though they are sugar-coated poison.
And they tell her that it's a mans world - and she lays her head down and weeps.
And they assure her, "it's ok, you'll get married some day," and her rose-colored petals wilt and are consumed by the towering weeds.
Falling in a fragile word, poisoned, raped, stepped on and left to die... she remembers days of hope and life.

[kAyB]

pretty good :)

[Goat]

This isn't bad, a couple rough spots.
1.right off the bat i get a 'drama' sort of vibe.
2. word like "uncertainty" "die" "raped" "poisoned" "weep"
downplay the value of meaning behind the poem.
3.

she smiles and courteously accepts the words as though they are sugar-coated poison

i'd change this to

she smiles and courteously acceps sugar coated words

i find the best stuff read is the 'stuff' written in the fewest words possible. whether poetry or anything literary.

good job Shadi