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Sep 16, 04
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entertainment gossip lovers pt.2
Lainey's Entertainment Update - September 6, 2004
Hallo hallo gossips! Hope you're all enjoying a fantaboo Labour Day weekend. In this issue - lots of pics from the Venice and Deauville film fests... plus...two Gwynnie sightings! Oh joy! Here are today's items... Scarlett in Venice I've been criticising Scarlett Johansson for months about her previous fashion crimes... In all fairness, she's a tough one to style. There is something oddly mature about Scarlett that sets her apart from her teenage contemporaries. For the most part, people should dress their age. If you're 19...look it. Here's the mantra: Don't be showin' up at a Hollywood premiere in Valentino and Stuart Weitzman (the tackiest, most unoriginal shoes ever) when Zac Posen and Christian Louboutin are ready and willing to express courier their latest your way. When it comes to Scarlett however, age appropriate doesn't seem all that, well, appropriate. She is one of those rare birds who, at such a young age, has a certain look that is beyond her years. Which explains her hit and miss track record to date - she's still "finding" her fashion identity. I'm happy to report however that her successful partnership with Louis Vuitton seems to have rubbed off on her style decisions...a little. I'm not saying this is perfect. But we're getting there. See attached of Scarlett in Venice in a throwback to old Hollywood glamour. I like the hair and makeup and although the dress is a tad matron royale, I think it works on her - especially with the eyebrow raising bright aqua mini clutch. Too bad that obnoxious scientologist pig John Travolta is lurking in the background, spoiling what would otherwise be a pleasant view.  Jada improves in Venice and London Quite an improvement from her appearances last week in Germany and Spain. See attached of Jada looking glorious in Venice with gorgeous hair and glowing skin. And again in London, where she wore a beautiful bright yellow floor length gown, showing off her cut arms and shoulders. She looks great...but to be honest, I could have gone without the female bodybuilder pecs. I mean come on...there's fit...and then there's overdoing it. This is like a chest x-ray.   Johnny and Kate in Venice OK ladies...start fanning yourselves. See attached of the quiver-worthy Depp premiering his latest, Finding Neverland, in Venice. Not to be outdone, his co-star Kate Winslet also looks fresh and fab upon arrival at the festival. By the way - the film chronicles the life and love of Peter Pan writer J.M. Barrie and early buzz is putting Johnny at the top of the list for another Oscar nomination...which can only mean good things for us. Depp sightings during award season??? Does it get any better??   Kyra & Kevin in Deauville Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon - what an anomaly. A Hollywood marriage that's lasted over 15 years? No mentionable indiscretions, addictions, bankruptcies, or scandals? Get the f*ck outta here!!! I love that he's so sexy in that creepy, wirey way...I love that she is so talented and should be more famous than she is but isn't pissed off about it...I love that they are totally in to each other but don't have to copulate in public to prove it. And I love that they make weird, edgy movies that give us the heebies, eschewing the alarming Hollywood habit of selling yourself to make worthless big box office pictures - this one called The Woodsman, in which Kevin plays a pedophile, is no exception. Next to these two...Brad and Jen pale in comparison.  Reese & Ryan in Venice Here they are, looking amazing at the festival premiere of Vanity Fair this weekend. Italian gossips say the two have looked anything but embattled, enjoying museum visits and quick stops at local cafes during their off time. So it appears that, for the time being, those separation proceedings are still a bit premature. For now. I'm also attaching a photo of Reese with her hunkalicious VF co-star James Purefoy, who was one of the few highlights in the otherwise disappointing film. Ignore the so-five-years ago Caesar cut and the alarming growth peeping out of his shirt...this man is FOINE.    Matt in Deauville and my People prediction See attached of Matt Damon at the screening of The Bourne Supremacy in Deauville. Although boyscouts have never been my thing, I can appreciate why Ben's best friend has been known to elicit the same swooning and hysterics usually reserved for boybands. And while I've never found him all that attractive myself, I do love him as Jason Bourne. Which is why I offer the following: my prediction for People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive for 2004. Longtime readers of this column will recall that I correctly predicted the Sexiest Man Alive for 2003 - 3 weeks before the official announcement. It was one of my proudest moments as a smut writer and since US Magazine STILL hasn't called....you"ll allow me this small opportunity to brag, won't you?? Anyway this year, although it's early, I'm gonna go out on a precarious limb and make my call. In my professional gossipmonger opinion, People will declare Matt Damon their Sexiest Man Alive for 2004. Case for support? He has met every requirement. He has a kick ass movie with a huge box office under his belt (in its 7th week, Supremacy is still in the box office top 10 - the best of his career), he's hunky, not a teenybopper pipsqueak (hello Justin?), he has several high profile projects in the pipeline (Oceans 12 is scheduled for release in December), and is finally coming out from under the giant ass shadow of Ben Affleck. Stay tuned ya'll - People reveals in November!  My Gwyneth: no diva here Two recent pics offer proof that my best friend Gwynnie, member of the Hollywood elite, actually means it when she says she lives the almost simple life. First up...here she is in London's Hyde Park, on a casual morning stroll with her baby, no bodyguard or nanny, pleased to be mingling among the heathen, and impresing the hell outta British paparazzi who are notoriously hard to please. Next up: see attached of Gwynnie and Apple on their way Paris for a press junket via Eurorail - or whatever they call it. You'll note my idol is managing the pram and her bags sans assistance...no personal luggage handler, no private door opener, no entourage in sight. Says a fellow passenger, "Gwyneth looked like a doting mother. She was like every other mum struggling with her bags and a pushchair. She didn't look fazed by her battle and was beaming from ear to ear." And while I'm aware most of you don't care for Gwyneth and her newfound modest lifestyle, I can assure you many of her contemporaries would never stoop to such middle class transportation. Would Jennifer Lopez hop on a train without her aromatherapist and a personal masseuse in tow??? Would that fraud cow Aniston dare travel among the peasants without her "hair manager" and a portable mystic tanning booth??   JT & Cam still in Hawaii A three week vacation...and still going. Justin and Cameron have been surfing in Hawaii since mid-August, intent on living the Mariah Carey perma-holiday lifestyle. See attached of Justin with his new man-beard, attempting to tell the world his 'Nsync days are well behind him. The problem is...it's not his appearance that "youthens" him for me... It's actually the voice. Tell me - why is it that his boysqueak STILL hasn't dropped at the ripe old age of 23??? Will he always talk as though his balls are being held together by a Hello Kitty hair elastic?? As for Cameron... she might be super toned, but this to me is NOT attractive. I don't care how hard you have to work out to have abs - or obliques or whatever they're called - like this. They look bad! And when they're accessorised by that butt nasty, mashed up face of hers... Jesus, run for cover people. This is one f*ckin' ugly Angel.   Paris the author Paris appeared on Jay Leno tonight to promote the release of her first book: Confessions of an Heiress...on shelves tomorrow. And although I can't imagine what pearl necklaces of wisdom Paris could possibly impart on us non-heirs and heiresses... I do hope there is a chapter dedicated to "Fellating like an Heiress" because perhaps that way, I just might be able to get US magazine to notice me. that's it for me... e Last edited by M!SKA; Sep 17, 04 at 06:06 AM. 
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Sep 16, 04
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Lainey's Entertainment Update - September 12, 2004
Hello gossips!
There was only one column last week as I was felled by a vicious summer cold that rendered me incapable of anything beyond watching daytime television. It's been a long, long time since I've checked in with my favourite talk shows...and in my sick, delusional condition, I came to the following conclusions: 1. The View is like the bestest talk show ev-ah. Five clucking hens and full out dish...it doesn't get any better. Memo to my secret "agent"... can you get me a job on that show??? 2. Star Jones might have dropped 15 dress sizes - and can breathe on her own now - but she's still an obnoxious fart who will not give it a f*cking rest about her wedding. I wonder when her gay fiance is going to come to his senses and elope with Tom Cruise. 3. The Ellen Show is like the 2nd bestest talk show ev-ah...because Ellen is just so charming and cute - I actually found myself curiously attracted to her. Then again... coulda been the Day-Quil. 4. Paris Hilton is stalking me. She showed up on Regis, The View, Conan, Dave... even the US Open. Every channel change, every programme, everywhere I flipped...there she was, with that ridiculous weave and the "Paris pose", taunting me with her fame...and that damn book. Oddly enough - perhaps because my senses were so numbed by narcotics - she wasn't THAT objectionable. In fact, I've seen worse. At times, she was almost nice...and likeable. Stupid, shallow, and spacey...but still, sort of likeable. Unlike Julia Roberts... who will always occupy the role of #1 Hollywood SuperBitch. and finally...not really a conclusion ... more an FYI 5. Memo to KBN and other Gwynnie fans who missed her on Oprah last month...Oh happy day!!!! Gwyneth will appear on The View this coming Thursday. So without any further illness induced rambling, here is today's column... A Boy for the Beckhams?? According to UK rags, Victoria and David are expecting their 3rd son, due early next year. Although they are thrilled to pieces about their new baby, it is no secret that the two were desperate for daughter. Still, no official confirmation has come from the Beckham camp yet...and given the fact that these two have been at the centre of all kinds of truths/half truths/rumours for years...well, you never really know what to believe. For instance, this week's edition of the notorious News of the World reports that Posh and Becks are "on the verge of a trial separation." Apparently, she can't stand his mood swings and tattoos (??!!) and hates living in Spain. For his part, David is despondent over what many perceive is the twilight of his illustrious football career. This premature midlife crisis has led to seemingly irreparable damage to the 5 year marriage...hence the need for separation. However, before you start crying your eyes out ...you'll note that just hours after the story went to print, Victoria and family were seen in a private spectator box in Spain, celebrating David's winning goal for Real Madrid, the picture of perfection...Once again confirming that it's gonna take more than a few innocuous rumours, floozies, and missed penalty kicks to tear these two asunder. Long live the Beckhams...Victoria and David for-evah! See attached of Victoria et al at the match...in slimming black, showing what appears to be the beginnings of a preggers belly.  Madge and her regular family Guy Ritchie celebrated his 36th birthday this weekend in London. By all accounts, it was a low key affair...no celebrities, no yachts, no exclusive guest list, no burly body guards, and no Veuve Cliquot. Madge threw a laidback par-tay for her hubby at a local pub where regulars were invited to mingle with the Ritchie family and enjoy several pints of Guinness. You'll be happy to know that Mrs. Ritchie was casually dressed in jeans and an overcoat and did not take advantage of the opportunity to Kaballah herself all over unwitting party crashers. Also...I'm attaching an adorable photo I found of little Rocco Ritchie, riding a bike for the first time and getting cheered on my Mummy. See...she really IS just like us!!!   Cameron's Body - the medical perspective Last week, I attached a photo of a rather masculine looking Cam Diaz, commenting on how unattractive I felt her abs are. Thanks to my friend and fellow gossip Dr. B.G., who has a fully certified understanding of the human body and it's peculiar forms, I am now able to share with you a medical perspective on Ms. D's he-man physique...Here are Dr. B's very insightful comments, "Cameron obviously has too much testosterone circulating in her system. Note the acne and the obliques, and the lack of a womanly gynecoid pelvis - she's an android through and through. I don't think she works out that much, and she's one of those natural guy-like muscle women."...So there you have it ladies...next time you look in the mirror lamenting your imaginary saddle bags and a droopy butt, wishing you had a body like Cam's...just remember - at least you don't lack a "womanly gynecoid pelvis"...If I had to choose between flabby thighs and looking like a guy...I'd take the flabby thighs any day baby. A diet over a sex change...it's a no brainer. Penelope in Toronto See attached of Penelope Cruz in Toronto at the premiere of her latest Head in the Clouds. I've never been a big fan, and I certainly don't understand the hoopla behind her looks - she resembles a duck - but I have to tell you...I think she looks fantaboo in this dress. Trust me...it's not for everyone. But for some reason, Pene just pulls this one off. I love the polka dots, I love that silly mismatched bow, and I love those new, overflowing breasts! Did she have those when she was with Midget Boy? They certainly don't look fake. Could it be that he forced her to conceal them?? Did he demand that she take an androgynous form, suppressing her feminine qualities to satisfy his homoerotic desires??? If that's the case, thank God for bongo playing, horny-man Matthew McConnaughey...who has certainly revived the Spanish va-va-voom locked away inside Ms. Cruz for so long!!!  Nicole in Venice Ya'll know I love Nicole Kidman. She is a wonderful actress, with more style in her foot than Jennifer Aniston will ever have in a lifetime. But as much as I love Nic...she really needs to cool it on the botox. Check her out at one of her many appearances last week in Venice. She DID manage to look better as the week went on, but still... that forehead is practically immobile, those eyebrows are trying to wrap themselves around her head, and what the f*ck is with that oddly placed bow??  Michelle Williams in Venice I'm happy that Michelle Williams has found a career on the indie circuit after Dawson's Creek. I'm not so happy that she's chosen to follow in the style footsteps of fellow indie chicks Chloe Sevigny and Maggie Gyllenhaal. See attached of Michelle in Venice promoting her latest low budget picture. Clearly this girl has a lovely figure .... and it's absolutely wasted on this vintage baglady ensemble. Top to bottom - hair, dress, stockings...this sucks large ass. And if she wants to hang on to that horny hunk of Aussie lovin', she needs to clean this sh*t up.  Angelina and Maddox in Venice See attached of Angelina Jolie and son Maddox in Venice to promote A Shark's Tale. He is adorable...but have you ever seen her NOT carrying him??? What is it with celebrity children? Are they like exempt from walking???  Annette Bening in Toronto Few "mature" actresses have the elegance and sophistication of Annette Bening. After all, she did tame THE ultimate Hollywood bachelor. And although she's not as fresh as she once was, you can't deny she is growing older very gracefully. See attached of a beautiful Annette at the Toronto premiere of her latest Being Julia for which she should receive yet another Oscar nomination. And this time, please Goddess...let her win... make up for that Hilary Swank injustice in 1999 when Annette should have been the undisputed queen for American Beauty. Hilary Swank being an Oscar winner is almost as laughable as Charlize Theron winning one. Almost.  New Bridget trailer Check it out. http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=5076 Only 2 months to go!!! Tommy tells all Just what we all needed. Up close and personal information about Tommy Lee's sex life - and preferences. The latest in a long line of celebrities writing books - or having books written for them...and proving, once again, that everyone and their freakin' limo driver can get a book deal, except me of course. Tommy's tell all, the aptly named "Tommyland" hits stores next month. Here's a gripping excerpt: "I have been with two chicks many, many times and it isn't all it's cracked up to be. There are only so many things you can all do together and there are a few lovely things you can do to both of them at the same time and them to you. But when it comes time for f*cking, unless there's something out there that I don't know about, you've only got one c*ck ... so there's always someone waiting. The thing to do is have foursomes. Three chicks and just you... If you have three chicks as into one another as they are into you, you can do one and watch the other two go at it, which adds to the overall horniness ...I may increase the number of girls, but I'll never be with fewer than three." Pam Anderson I can understand...but how the hell did this moe foe ever manage to get Heather Locklear to marry him?????? J.Lo in white Jennifer Lopez was all over NYC during Fashion Week, making 3 high profile appearances - and wearing white each time. And (gasp!) it's a week after Labour Day! First up: see attached of La Lopez at the Hilfiger show in a throwback to the mod 60s. Next up... here's a surprisingly slim Jen in tight, white jeans at the announcement for the "J.Lo Ultimate Makeover Sweepstakes." I say slim because, as ya'll know, J.Lo - bless her - has never been a Hollywood stick insect. And yet in this photo, there's hardly a curve in sight. Is she shrinking down to match her emaciated, bloodsucking husband?? Or has she already joined him in the world of the living dead??? Is the legendary Lopez rump a thing of the past?? And finally, a photo of Jennifer tonight at the Coty 100th anniversary party, wearing a dead animal, pale lipstick, and a come hither expression which can only mean it's time to feed.    SJP and the Gap I have always loved the Gap and Gap ads...until now. In fact, I will not buy another item from that store until this ridiculous Sarah Jessica Parker "How do you wear it" campaign is over. Promise. See attached of the ever irritating SJP at a GAP event last Friday, modelling her own version of Gap Wear, clearly hanging on to the last gasps of her 30s, while her long face and large nose get ever longer and larger and that witch wart on her chin threatens to take over the right side of her face. Remind me...why would I want to look like this? How does an emotionally stunted, baby talking wannabe represent "the everywoman"??? And what kind of lady in her right mind, living in the real world, would go out wearing a pair of capri jeans with 4 inch heels and a pink blazer unless she was meeting Billy Ray and his cousin Jimmy Joe behind the diner for a 3 way in the back of an F-150 on her lunch break???? Sarah Jessica my Chinese ass. And the same goes for the GAP.  that's it for me... e
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Sep 16, 04
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WOW! every time I see Cameron sans makeup she looks like total ass!
I heard she has really bad acne too, common Justin you can do better!
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Sep 16, 04
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