Lainey's Entertainment Update - September 16, 2004

[M!SKA]

I am not liking this 6 day delay, but anyways:

Hey gossips!

When it rains it pours. On the heels of Fashion Week and the film fests, the World Music Awards went down in Vegas last night providing us with some juicy pop star sightings and a few vomit worthy moments. Throw in the fact that Gwyneth is like everywhere, doing heavy, heavy promo for Sky Captain and, needless to say, I'm in gossip heaven. By the way - great participation so far for the Emmys... keep 'em coming!

Here are today's items...

Gwynnie Everywhere!
As mentioned above, my best friend Gwyneth has been all over LA and NYC hawking her upcoming Sky Captain, in theatres tomorrow. Here she is looking (gasp!) kinda frumpy on Tuesday night at the Hollywood premiere. In true Paltrow form however, she bounced right back today on Good Morning America with Diane Sawyer...fresh and gorgeous. And again on TRL with a funky gold sequined jacket over skinny jeans. Gwynnie forever!



Motherhood according to Denise Richards
I have never liked Denise Richards but I've never really figured out why. Sure...she's a bimbo with bushy eyebrows who can't act and insists on baring her breasts at every opportunity. But that describes over 90% of Hollywood starlets anyway...Which means I've never really had a solid reason for disliking her...until now. Ya'll know Denise and husband Charlie Sheen had a baby girl a few short months ago. They named her Sam. Horror of all horrors...Denise gained some weight while she was preggers. And had to stop drinking...and smoking...and doing what the hell she pleased whenever she pleased. Thank God all that has changed now that the baby is 6 months old. In fact, Denise's body is already in toned tip top shape...So good that Playboy is putting her on their December cover. The secret to getting her famous figure back was to quit breast feeding after only 3 months. Says Denise, "I felt like I was still pregnant. I still had to watch what I ate, and I couldn't have a cocktail, which I was dying for after being pregnant nine months. I wanted to feel like myself. You're trapped when you always have this kid attached to your boob." Poor Denise! How terrible for her that her own child would need nutrition from her own mother. How unfortunate that she had to suffer such a unique inconvenience...something millions the world over have yet to experience. How tragic that a cosmopolitan and a Marlboro light are sacrificed for the sake of this ungrateful babe. I certainly understand her relief and admire her fortitude during this agonizing time. And I toast her wonderful unselfish approach to motherhood. I think we can all learn from her outstanding example.

Maggie Gyllenhaal: fashion loser
I am so over independent movie actresses looking weird and dressing weird. Could someone please explain what the ass Maggie Gyllenhaal is wearing? Miu Miu or not. This is f*ckin' ugly.



Alicia Silverstone: fashion winner
See attached of Alicia Silverstone at the premiere of Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow in Los Angeles. I'm loving the two piece ensemble paired with the off the wall blue and gold flats.



Donnie Wahlberg: more 80s roadkill
Many of you were fans of New Kids on the Block. Don't lie. Here's what Donnie looks like, 15 years later. Is this what Marky Mark has to look forward to???



Madge in Israel
Madonna arrived in Israel last night joining some 2000 Kaballists on a spiritual journey in the Holy Land - or something like that. See attached of Mrs. Ritchie at a reading looking glamorously unglamorous and clearly engrossed in some sort of enlightenment that she will undoubtedly unleash on us in the coming weeks.



Affleck & Garner heating up?
Every gossip from LA to NYC has reported that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are way more than just friends. Apparently, the two have been seen at the gym together, going for coffee, and - according to Ted Casablanca - making goo goo eyes at each other in Savannah, Georgia...where Ben owns a luscious hideaway from the horrors of Hollywood. In fact, speculation is intensifying as to whether or not the two will make their first official public appearance together on Emmy night. Ummm. Like whatever. Jennifer, unfortunately, is intensely guarded when it comes to her private life and you'll recall she never did step in to the light with her rebound man and fellow Alias castmate Michael Vartan. That romance came and went without so much as an acknowledgement of it ever happening. Given that Ben crashed and burned with his last romantic debacle, odds are pretty heavily stacked against an international "coming out" any time soon. Still...one can hope. It's about time for a Lopez hissy fit and I have no doubt her big ass will hit the fan if Ben and a new Jennifer steal all the headlines...

J.Lo at the World Music Awards
Speaking of her Assness...here she is (LOVE those shoes!) arriving at the World Music Awards to support The Vampire, who performed during the event. And this is the kicker...after 3 months of marriage - a marriage everyone and their baby father knows about - these two STILL haven't walked a red carpet together. She showed up first...he came later. The party line is that Marc was so disgusted by the media frenzy, not to mention self exploitation, inspired by the Bennifer that he is adamant the same won't happen this time around....which, if you ask me, is a crock of sh*t. Their avoidance of the topic automatically guarantees the interest. The more they are apart, the more we talk. Did you see them?? Were they cuddling in the corner? Are there photos??? Was there a fight? Did they break up? Another divorce...??!!! And friends... don't believe for a second that this whole "privacy" charade isn't just another elaborate - and brilliant - publicity strategy. Believe me...even when you're famous and surrounded by paparazzi, it IS possible to get married with no leaks and no photos...if you really want to, that is. Just ask Madonna. For all her shameless self promotion, have you EVER seen a photo from her wedding to Guy Ritchie? Contrast this with the Marc-Lo union that was supposed to be secretly planned and heavily guarded. How is it possible then that decent quality photos of the bride - in her Vera Wang gown - were plastered across the internet in a matter of hours??? The real truth is that the "unnamed sources" and the common "leaks" usually originate from the celebs themselves. One suspiciously well placed phone call... a hint dropped by one publicist to another publicist as they exchange cheek kisses at The Ivy...and ta da... photographers are deployed before you know it. J.Lo on the down low? I don't think so. Give up this pathetic hide-and-go-seek with your bloodsucker. We know you're married. Enough already.



Courtney Love at the World Music Awards
Nope. She's not dead yet. In fact, she's looking more alive than I've seen her in a long, long time. Except for those pasty, bruised legs of course.Oh, and the coked out expression too. Other than that, she's as healthy as a crackhead can be.



Avril's new friends
At 19 - and apparently not engaged, according to Deryck's mouthpiece (the honkin' ring is still on her finger) - Avril Lavigne is definitely enjoying the perks of her celebrity. And making some lovely friends along the way. See attached of Avril, partying with none other than Courtney Love and Anna Nicole Smith...perhaps two of the most qualified ladies to show Avril how to rock loud and live hard. Is rehab only a matter of time???



Whitney returns
When she's not smoking crack...Whitney Houston is the best of the best. Fresh from her recent trip to rehab, Whitney took the stage last night and captivated everyone. For the first time in a long time, she looked super healthy and genuinely happy. And amazingly enough - Bobby is STILL in her life! Whaddya think...is this is temporary respite from the usual? Or is Whitney truly clean forever??? Poll time...you tell me.



Celine Dion at the World Music Awards
The Great Canadian Freakshow is back. After a blissful year sans chest thumping, over the top gesticulating, and waxing ad nauseum about her test tube baby...Celine is dropping a new album next month and bombarding our senses with her own unique brand of entertainment. Look, I'm not disputing her voice. No question - the Buddha has blessed her. But dammit to hell if I'm not more frightened of her flailing arms and legs than I am of clowns and spiders in the middle of the night. Her performance last night was vintage Dion, peppered with signature moves and introducing a few new sure-to-be-classics as well. She and the animal draped around her shoulders were on fire last night. I particularly enjoyed the moment when she planted her legs wide apart and attempted some kind of R&B jiggle that ended up resembling a raccoon seizure. Most disturbing however was the sight of her geriatric husband, who is now so old he can no longer digest solid foods. Unfortunately for us, Ms. D's new CD, with the vomit inducing title "Miracle", hits stores in October...which can only mean more Celine. Oh joy.



that's it for me...enjoy the Emmys. Full wrap up to come Sunday night.

Great weekend to all.
e

[ulala]

^ why did you call your own thread useless?.. and ask yourself if you wanted a cookie sis?.. I am confused!

<3!!!

[decypher]

i love u misky

[M!SKA]

Originally Posted by ulala

^ why did you call your own thread useless?.. and ask yourself if you wanted a cookie sis?.. I am confused!

<3!!!

sis, are you on the crack again?
imagining posts that aren't there... im worried about you.

[sNyx]

Gwynnie looks unreal in the flakegold longsleeve, with her golden hair a-flowing. You can't say much on Silverstone, she's a all about TKO.

Courtney/Witney, whats the difference between a white crackhead and a black one? Well for starters the black crackhead knows how to clean herself up. The white one steps out of the house and calls it a style.

ps- Jlow is old news hunny. She doesn't deserve any paragraph over 30 characters.

[M!SKA]

My fellow gossip lovers...

It's late and I'm bleary-eyed so please excuse the typos. And although I should be in bed by now, I can't ignore the call of the smuthound, eager for dish on the legitimacy of the Britney nuptials - did they or didn't they?? - and other photos of our favourite celebrity targets! Besides, I have this fabulous eyeshadow on that I simply cannot bring myself to wash off. It's pink and it's sparkly and it's applied with a funky cool rollerball that just glides over your eyelid! By Sue Devitt Studio - a new line available ONLY in Canada at Kiss & Makeup in West Vancouver. Vancouver residents - I'm telling you. Check this place out. www.kissandmakeup.ca There is nothing we glamour gossips like better than the word "exclusive" and this little beauty haven carries some pretty select merchandise. They are also the only place in Canada to offer the REN line out of the UK (made famous by the two "Kates" ... Moss and Winslet) and the much hyped FACE ATELIER, a new brand that was featured in this year's Golden Globe gift basket. So...needless to say...you can bet your boob job I'll be bragging about my new makeover for at least a month!

So...picture me seated at the laptop, delivering you the smut of the day with like the best eye makeup ever! Enjoy!

The Breasts Revealed: Geri Halliwell
I know she's been a GTB subject before but honestly, I just cannot get over the sheer enormity of her tits! See attached of Geri and her 3 heads performing at some charity event over the weekend. Holy Mother of killer breasts! This is just WRONG!



Britney & Kevin: married or not???
As if it wasn't enough of a scandal that she married a sewer rat, we now have to deal with yet another round of controversy surrounding the legitimacy of Britney Spears' latest wedding. Almost every entertainment agency has conflicting reports about whether or not Britney and Kevin actually got married. Let's break it down. See attached of the latest cover of US Magazine, on newsstands Friday. US points out that Britney and Kevin have yet to file their marriage licence which, in their opinion, means the whole event on Saturday was an elaborate ploy to throw off paparazzi from finding out about the REAL gong show that's going down on October 16. However, according to People, the only rag to land an exclusive with B & K this week, the two did indeed tie the knot but had to wait for some prenup documentation to go through before they can file the licence next week. In the magazine, Britney and Kevin acknowledge that their marriage is not yet recognised legally but maintain that "in a spiritual sense" they're married. Meanwhile, signs of turbulence are already on the horizon - although Britney is too dumb and too horny to see them. Apparently, Kevin wasn't happy with getting only $300K for every 2 years of marriage in the very unlikely event of a divorce. So the two had to hammer out a more equitable agreement before making things official...which explains the delay in filing the papers. Nevertheless, the two insist on having us believe that their wedding was like the most beautiful experience ever and continue to share the most intimate of details with the rest of the world through the pages of People. Here are some lowlights: Britney and Kevin spent the night before the wedding at the Fairmont Miramar Hotel with Phil Collins music playing in the background (gag). In Kevin's words: "I started crying when I saw her in her little lingerie outfit. She had a CD we like and candles lit all over the room." And then... "Wicked Britney came out." On the actual wedding night, Britney got pissed drunk, performed a pole dance routine for her groom and 200 of their closest friends, and had to be carried back to their hotel room...where she got f*cked senseless by her gold digging new husband for 48 hours. And no...I'm not making this sh*t up. That's class ya'll. That is pure class.



Marc & J.Lo celebrate 35
So Marc Anthony turned 35 and his darling wife decided to throw him a birthday party. It was a small affair attended by close family and friends. Jennifer ordered a cake, inexplicably with Mr. Vampire's face printed on it. They sang karaoke. Everybody had a good time. So...here's my question. If they are supposed to be so PRIVATE and so guarded about their lives...how is it that these "exclusive" photos showed up in the tabloids like 2 days later?????



Ben & Jen seen in Charleston
While La Lopez and her blood sucker pretend they don't want us to know what they're up to, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are spending time travelling across the hospitable South. According to Ted Casablanca, Ben and Jen are in Charleston, South Carolina as we gossip... mosying around downtown, engaging in very public displays of affection, and making no secret of their newfound amour. Oddly enough however, there are STILL no pictures! Which kinda makes you wonder. If there are NO photos of Affleck and Garner frolicking out in the open, how the hell did pics from an indoor invite-only party from the Lopez group leak out so quickly? Oh wait. Does J.Lo have a new movie coming out called Shall We Dance??? Is her film career riding on this due to the Bennifer backlash? Is she in desperate need of a box office hit? Riiiiight.

JT & Cam
I wish the UK tabloids would get their sh*t together already. While one reports that Justin and Cam have split, another turns around and prints new photos of them kissing - attached. Two days later, a third insists that it's over. As of today, there are only two things we know for sure. On Emmy night, Justin was partying in LA...with Paris Hilton and company. At one point, she gave him a faux lap dance. Onlookers say he didn't seem to care either way. The next day, Cameron was seen in NYC. Solo. As always, I'll keep you posted.



The Incredible Shrinking Dunst
She has always been naturally thin, but these days Kirsten Dunst is entering Lara Flynn Land. See attached of KD at the London premiere of Wimbledon on Monday night. Apparently the rapid weight loss has also made her even bitchier than usual. Poor starving Kirsten was in a rage the other night when she found out a British Olympic gold medallist was scheduled to attend the opening. Unwilling to be upstaged by a two bit athlete, Ms. D threatened to skip the event unless measures were put in place to ensure she had the largest share of the spotlight. Naturally, her request was granted immediately and a major hissy fit was avoided. But not for long. Later that evening, Kirsten went dancing at a local club. When it was time to leave, she was furious that there were photographers outside waiting to snap a few pics. Unfortunately, K was red and blotchy from the dancefloor...and insisted on having her head covered by a suit jacket as she was escorted to her limo. Once she was settled in the privacy of her car, she tore a strip off her publicist and manager for not adequately preparing her for the media. The next day, a round the clock make up artist was immediately assigned to accompany Kirsten wherever she went... And you wonder why she has a reputation for being a first class cow???



Harrison & Calista: still in love
I wasn't a fan at first...but they've grown on me. See attached of Harrison and Calista acting like a couple of teenagers in Italy, where she's filming her latest movie. So cute!



Katie & Chris
See attached of Katie Holmes and fiance Chris Klein at the premiere of her latest movie First Daughter. While I was a big fan of these two when they first got together... I have to tell you, I'm a bit tired of the wholesome apples thing they've got goin' on. How much blush does he wear anyway? Besides, I'd like to see Katie live on the wild side for a change...maybe get together with Jake Gyllenhaal for a hot fling, make out with one of the Hiltons at the Golden Globes next year...get into a catfight with Lindsay Lohan on the Oscar red carpet...and then get back together with Chris next summer to plan their wedding. Hopefully by then, his hair transplant will be complete.



Beautiful Uma
See attached of a gorgeous Uma Thurman at the Mothers and Shakers event earlier this week. Once again I have to ask: Ethan ... what were you thinking???



Beautiful Cate
There are very few women who can rival my Gwynnie. But Cate Blanchett comes very, very close. Here she is this week in Australia looking absolutely stunning.



Ugly Paula Abdul
Never mind that she looks like she just got jacked in the back of the limo... Why the f*ck is she wearing a tiara??? And who the hell mangled her face??



Ugly Cybil Shepherd
I'm all for celebrities growing old ... gracefully. But if you're going to get old and look like this in the process, please dig a hole and bury yourself in it because we prefer to remember you when you didn't look like the scary old lady at the end of the block who gives out fruit instead of candies at Halloween.



that's it for me...
e

[miss.myra]

Cameron "ugly pelvis" Diaz should just leave Justin already and let me have him


damnit!

[Niko]

Wow, Paula Abdul looks like a man in that picture.... wow.