blurred vision - a poem i wrote recently

[wikid]

heres a poem I wrote recently - not quite sure where it came from. whatchya guys think?

-------------------

complete
deceased
frozen over,
unthawed crossing
the fox starts its gnawing
howls at the blue moon
like a wolf in his dome.
blue-chilled streaks
thoughts caused grief
a black sheet in the dead
of night. its the quiver
and tomorrows newspaper
feels the sights in disguise
blind and cross-eyes blend
blurred vision within a couture net.

the blink and
the ink and the blot
the false shot from a bb-gun
at the heart of a black-labbed dog
tears form they wield
black metal shield yet fall drops
the sea shells upon
a smiths red-forged gauge;
blood clots combine brothers
finds a story of a car gone
off the shore.
the tears forever more.

[Ragga_Wh0re]

it reads like death metal lyrics.

[wikid]

Originally Posted by ~*goddessa*~

it reads like death metal lyrics.

cool - not what I was going for intentionally - but its still cool it sounds like that (I didnt notice it, but yeah, sweet!:))

[sungoo]

I don't quite get it.
It seems like there are many flashes of imagery as you read through it, but I don't quite see any solid path the poem is taking me.
What I mean to say is, I'm not sure what the poem is about.
Or is that what the title is trying to imply? I don't mean to sound ironical or even rude, but is the title of your poem, "blurred vision"; what you're intention is to the reader when they read this piece.
The short, broken sentances, send quick, strong messages to the reader, one after another, and I can't make the links between a few of them.
I mean, the title itself is vague, I can't really figure out what it's supposed to be about.
Anyways, I'm just trying to relate with what you wrote.
If you could explain what exactly what you were trying to convey, it'd be much appreciated.

[Ragga_Wh0re]

^i concur.

[juice]

^ as do i

[Ragga_Wh0re]

so together...we concur!

[junglequeen]

i tried to paraphrase

dead
cold
fox chewing then howling
thoughts cause sadness
....

blink, ink , blot
a round from a gun
hits a dog
dropping a sheild
blood ties
car over a cliff

i think you need to clearly explain to your reader what you are talking about for them to connect to what you have written
and then cut out some of the big words
they are not adding meaning just confusion

[wum]

aww, so cute

[Goodfellow]

don't persue it as a career :)