carry-on

[junglequeen]

I wish I met you today
because I dont carry chains anymore
and Im free of my baggage
happy to be on my feet
I dont lash out like i did

I was a caged bird
knawing at the bars
bashing against the sides
spitting venom
looking to blame

now the clock is blinking,
power failure of the heart
something surges within
and instead of throwing insults
I made space for the me you knew I was

I am a bird let free
Soaring for the first time
Above all that set us apart when we met
Its all in perspective now
No longer able or willing to pass blame

I wish I met you today
for,I have room for you
and the chip on my shoulder has started to fill in
open, growing, learning
Longing for a fresh start

[sungoo]

I think this stanza

Originally Posted by junglequeen

I was a caged bird
knawing at the bars
bashing against the sides
spitting venom
looking for someone to blame

would sound better if you stripped it of most of the words and just used the basic core words.
ie - I was a caged bird
knawing the bars
bashing the sides
spitting venom
looking to blame

for the following reasons, the imagery flows harder this way and in tune with what you are trying to show. Also, it's a quasi flashback so it's kind of fitting if this stanza sounds different. As well as that the "spitting venom" sounded out of place as it was the only line with 4 beats, where as this way the last 4 lines all start with an "~ing" word and end with two more syllables.

One last thing, I think the poem would sound better if you didn't use "because" in it, what so ever. I personally find the word jarring. it's so long... there are so many beautiful alternatives such as, for and as.
With a little bit of tweaking, I think this would be a beautiful poem.
Not to imply it isn't already, for it is.

Anyways, I'd say more but I find criticism to be misunderstood sometimes.

[junglequeen]

thanks
i appreciate the help greatly

[{dC!}]

Sungoo is an awsome writer.