Dec 08, 04
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My story
You gave me a hug
And I exclaimed “Awwwww” And you smiled. But what I meant was that Ill break you And you’ll never smile again You're hoping Ill create another ending, just for you. But this is all she wrote and I find power in your weakness. For its easier to follow a pattern Than to be creative And chance it all My story is always the same, you’ve seen it before Our circle has become too tight, So Im forcing you out. You know how this ends still you cling to the hope that you will be saved But I like gruesome closings, with fairytale beginnings Last edited by junglequeen; Dec 13, 04 at 08:18 AM. 
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Dec 08, 04
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Good one.
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Dec 08, 04
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Quote:
Last edited by junglequeen; Dec 08, 04 at 11:21 PM.
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Dec 08, 04
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it scares me
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Dec 08, 04
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watch yourself sweety one day someones gonna break you ;)
twice!
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Dec 08, 04
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what goes around comes around of course
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Dec 12, 04
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The beginning sounds odd with the double ands following each other and the flow is a bit awkward. It just seems a little chopped up to me, like it jumps around. Sometimes it seems as if you are trying to fit too much into a small area, or the opposite. I like the final verse though (maybe instead of "and fairytale beginnings" try "with fairytale beginnings") but I feel as if it's a bit incomplete.
Example: "Our circle has become too tight So Im forcing you out You still hope you will be saved" <- it kind of jumps there, maybe try to tie in the two lines a bit better. But then again, poetry does not need to be confined in such tightly knit boundaries. ;] Sorry didn't mean to butcher your poem.
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