Invincible.

[Bevvy Swift]

invincible, like the man of steel
is this feeling even real?

tomorrow, i may come crashing down
reduced to rubble on the ground

if ive learned anything from my past
this invincible feeling just wont last

but for now im enjoying my newfound power
just dont kick me off 'till ive had my full hour!

[dapimpstress]

nice, thanks. propz

[Ragga_Wh0re]

:(i dont like the redundant rhyme scheme.

[LeeBrat]

[quote=Cheez]
if ive learned anything from my past
this invincible feeling just wont last

i really like those 2 lines

[Bevvy Swift]

Originally Posted by ~*goddessa*~

:(i dont like the redundant rhyme scheme.

i enjoy writing in simple rhyme schemes. it makes it sound a little cheerier

[Liqwid]

key word simple...

~dalyn

[Ragga_Wh0re]

Originally Posted by Cheez

i enjoy writing in simple rhyme schemes. it makes it sound a little cheerier

yah but at the same time it makes you sound like any other highschool writer.
I personally think that writers should try to exceed thier means.When you start getting a little comfortable with something make it a habit to mix it up and try something new.

If not you will become redundant! AND PASSE!

[sidekick]

redundant rhyme schemes can be good and can be bad.

like goddessa said, if you're trying to go for something sophisticated and a higher level of poetry, then you might want to try something a little more complicated.

but bevan is also right when he says that those kind of rhyme schemes make a cheerful, simple, dr.seuss kind of sound out of your poem. so if you want something that sounds a little younger and simpler and more child-like, then those are a good way to go.

i like the way the rhyme scheme works here, since the poem does sound a little child-like with the whole 'invincibility' theme, but i would suggest you work on the rhythm as some lines are rushed and seem 'off'.

[Bevvy Swift]

you right about the rythm jake. i know. i wasnt trying to be all smart or nothin. i was trying to explain a complex feeling in a simple way.

[sidekick]

Originally Posted by Cheez

i was trying to explain a complex feeling in a simple way.

and the superman thing was a good way to go :)

[Bevvy Swift]

i know

[Ragga_Wh0re]

i dunno i guess im just an anal snob who beleives that shitty writing should end when in high school hehe.

[sidekick]

^repetitive rhyme schemes aren't shitty, just maybe not your style.

[Bevvy Swift]

Originally Posted by ~*goddessa*~

i dunno i guess im just an anal snob who beleives that shitty writing should end when in high school hehe.

ouch. im going to fnk cry now

[Bevvy Swift]

actually no! im invincible! your insults cannot hurt me! only your kryptonite!

[Ragga_Wh0re]

you are not allowed to fnk cry nor are you allowed to have fnk feelings!

ITS MINE!!! ALL MINE!!!

[Bevvy Swift]

mwahahaha you got fnk jacked, beeeyatch!

[sungoo]

I don't know, maybe try playing around with a matching syllable scheme? Rhymes often flow smoother on paper when written that way.
When there isn't any music to lace your freestyle with, it often sounds chopped up and fragmented.