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Jan 31, 05
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Abusive Relationships
One of my best friends is in one. It's a really long, complicated story. My friends and I have talked to her and tried things, but she won't listen to what we say. Is there really nothing we can do? This relationship is EXTREMELY bad for her. She's drinking more, crying, etc. I seriously get complaints from her EVERYTIME I talk to her. The guy's cheated on her, treats her like shit, and yet she still doesn't see the light.
ARGH! It pisses me off. What else can I do?? 
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Jan 31, 05
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HAH I've heard different stories.. none saying that he is.
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Jan 31, 05
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Yes but why? Why do people put up with it? It's happened to me at a much lesser degree and I was the one to let the guy go. It hurt, and it sucked, but I knew it had to be done.
How do I make my friend see this?
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Jan 31, 05
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go get up close and personal with the guy! don't tell her to do something go get in his face! i hate it when people abuse others and when some can't get out of them so you go to the source. if you get up in his face and be strong hopefully your friend will see how much you care for her and hope she'll see what he's doing to her. if you need to get some friends to make your point to the guy then do it.
make him FEEL YOUR WRATH!
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Jan 31, 05
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Is he physically abusive?
---------------------- it's her that eventually has to make the decision for herself to leave. I guess the most you can do is be there for her, so she knows that if ever she gets hurt again and she knows that she doesn't have to run back to the arms of the person who abuses her, to feel consoled... Abusive/manipulative relationships are a funny thing, especially when you're lonely. It's hard to leave because being treated like shit is all you know and the manipulator knows how to manipulate you into thinking that you don't deserve any better than what their willing to give and they manipulate you into thinking that despite fucking up over and over, they are able to change when clearly they are not. sometimes people get really really hurt before they realize for themselves that they need to get the f out. You can't phsyically take her out of the relationship because she will likely go back unless if she leaves out of her own intiative. Hopefully, it never gets to that point for your gf but the best thing you can prob do for her is to offer to be there for her and if this is a physically abusive relationship maybe professional help might be useful.. I think there are free clinics for youth (under 21) which offer relationship counselling and maybe she might feel comfortable talking to a counsellor? Burnaby Youth Clinic is where I get my BCP's... i believe they offer counseling there as well. Last edited by yoko*; Jan 31, 05 at 03:22 AM.
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Jan 31, 05
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When will she be ready? When she's pregnant??
They've been "together" for 7 months. That's 7 months of her taking his shit, and fucking up her life. And I have been a good friend. I've told her I'll have her back no matter what. I've talked to her and gave her the best advice, but even after seeing what's wrong, she sticks to what's right (there isn't much). They love each other. Is this passable as real love? Can they be actually in love?
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Jan 31, 05
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sometimes when someone is in that relationship, they know damn well that its fucking up their lives(physically, mentally, emotionally etc) but they are so blinded by whatever it is that that think they feel for that person that they don't think they could ever possible be without them. they also probbely think that if they stick it out with this person that they can help him and he will eventually get better. or perhaps she has tried to leave him, and he has threatened her. its sad because when girls are in these relationships so many of them dont make it out (i was lucky and did) but i have known people who can;t get out. but i think what your friend needs is major suppost and cairing. if her parents know about this they should support her too (i would have never gotten out if it wasnt for my mom) But be there for her, don't give up, im sure deep down no matter how much she denies it she is begging for the strength to leave. and if she does leave him your going to have to be there even more for her to make sure she stays away from that waste of humanly flesh.
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Jan 31, 05
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insanity is repeating the same course of action whilst expecting a different result.
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Jan 31, 05
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I still stand that you have to let her leave when she is ready to leave.
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Jan 31, 05
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Jan 31, 05
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Her self-esteem has SERIOUSLY gone down since going out with this guy. He's got a LOT of issues, and he's fucking her up badly. She keeps thinking that she can't do any better than this guy, even though when her and I went clubbing, this HOT guy was VERY interested in her. She's just so blinded by her feelings for this guy. I've been thinking that she'll get a wake up call someday. But he's done BAD things, yet NOTHING has made her want to let go. She always says oh one more screw up and that's it. But she never lets go. Also, he calls her now and then screaming she's fucked up and that he'll never talk to her again. So they "break up." Next evening, he's back in her bed holding her and saying I love you. Ooh I can go on. Last edited by acidic_liquid; Jan 31, 05 at 03:27 AM.
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Jan 31, 05
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Her pride plays a big role in not letting others help her. She keeps saying that she can deal with it on her own. And Erin, yeah a LOT has happened in 7 months. Why is she staying? Because they "love" each other. I guess the question is, is love worth it if it mostly hurts, and is only good for a few moments?
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Jan 31, 05
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Some would say yes and others would say no. I truely think that it is up to her in the end to figure things out on her own. She has to learn and make chioces in her life. I think she is very lucky to have a friend like you who cares so much about her. Sometimes even though it hurts you have to let your friends hit rock bottom and let them learn.
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Jan 31, 05
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I broke up and got back together with a guy 20+ times and this lasted for a year and a half before I finally moved on. I had my share of nights where I bitched and cried to my gf's about what an asshole this guy was, and deep down inside I think I knew that i had no valid feelings for him to begin with. It was probably one of the most depressing waste of year-and-halfs of my life which involved crying at least every once a week and sometimes every day for an entire week. It was really quite pathetic actually. One of my friends at the time literally did to me what you suggested you might do to her.. "Go off on her". Yet while it helped for the moment that i was pissed off at the asshole, as soon as I got lonely again and as soon as he started telling me he missed me and that was sorry and he'll change (basically a shitload of lies) I used his lame excuses to justify running back because i was lonely and hurt and wanted to feel comforted by something I was familiar with. I'm sure she's aware that she's in a shitty relationship or else she wouldn't be tellling you about it. But clearly, this asshole isn't going to stop treating her like shit and it's not the end of her misery when he apologizes for his acts until he actually follows through with his apologies in the form of action. But eventually I'm sure (or lets hope) that she'll reach a point where she gets so sick and disgusted of herself for forgiving so many unforgivable things, and she'll realize that Love isn't enough to bind relationships and it doesn't justify staying in an abusive relationship. But until she can realize that for herself, "going off on her" might drive her away from you. I would be careful with how you confront her. She might become too afraid to tell you about what's going on with her bf because she is aware of your disapproval and doesn't want you to think badly of him. She might back away from you because she doesn't want to hear what she already is aware of deep down. She might just not be ready to leave, and may withdraw from her friends who she's afraid may disappoint because of her decision to stay with him, and she might find herself friendless during a time when she needs friends the most (ie-when she's really ready to leave) Last edited by yoko*; Jan 31, 05 at 03:52 AM.
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Jan 31, 05
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^^^^ i agree with everything you say. hold off on the "going off on her" cause she needs support not more "love". reinforce strongly that you are her friend and you are there to do what you can. i still say go to the guy and tell him to smartin up. if he's using physical abuse on her then that lets you do the same to him. if words aren't helping then maybe bruises will speak for you. "actions speak louder than words" (quoting some person) and it's true.
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Jan 31, 05
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Hummm... if he's hitting her, maybe you should just kick his ass. Boys shouldn't hit girls.
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Jan 31, 05
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i dont know the exact history on your friends relationship(why & when she started dating him, when the abuse started etc) (in a nutshell) when i was 15 i was very very depressed and i got kicked out of school, ran away from hom, and my bf at the time got me to move in with him *bad desisions i know:(* at first everything was fine and dandy, he was very romantic, sweet, caring, suportive. after i had been living with him for about 3-4 months he started to get possesive/jelous of me. it started out with little things like getting me to stay home with him instead of going out with friends or geoing spendsing the weekend at home.i didnt really think anything of it, in fact at the time i thought he just really loved to be spending time with me. about 6-9 months into the relationship i wasnt alowed to visit my parent unless i was working for them(painting/farm work & getting paid) i wasnt allowed to visit my frineds unless he was with me, i wasnt alowed to go back to school beacuse he thought i would cheat on him, i wasnt alowed to wear make up beacuse i would attract other guys, therefore i basically wasnt alowed to walk down the street with my head up. :( now at this point in time i know that i wasnt being treated right, and i knew that i was in an emotionaly/verbal abusive relationship, but he had gotten my self-esteem so low and was so controlling that i was overwhelmed and did not know what to do, aswell he was very threatening (if i even mentiond leaving he would treaten to kill himself-which someone with no self confidence in that situation could possible think of liveing with) towards the end of my time with him(1 year) it had gotten to the point where i could not breathe without him knowing ever move i made (i was now not alowed to be on birth control b/c he thought that i was going to cheat on him-->which i would get pregnat-->he would know, yet, he raped me without any protection(yes, there were times when i was crying and begging him to stop, yet he wouldnt, and then when he was done he would appologize and actually sry himself)at one time i thought i was pregnant,thank god i was not, but i told him that i was having an abortion if i was and leaving him, it was then that he bacame abusive, i was walking out of the house and he threw a set of keys at me and left welts/cuts about the size of 2 hands on my waist. he then told me he was going to kill himself for hurting me. a little while later had and his family were moving to surrey. i said that i did not want to,(i told him i would have a long distance relationship with him...blah blah blah...) he said that this year and a half of being with me was a waste of his fucking life. the next dy i went out for coffee with my mom , while he was helping his brother pack, and she sat with me for about a good 3+ hours feeding me words of strenght, when i finnaly broke down and got over my own selfish pride and told he how i wanted out...she continued to suport me, and i then made the desision to drive away, without looking back, i didnt even go in the house to tell anyone or get any personal possesions...i left. the story goes on but i doubt that u wanna hear it but to answere your question, yes, intervention is good...be there for her, support her, yell at her, talk to her, make her feel good about herself and tell her*make her know she can do better, and that there is a better life waiting for her, all she has to do is get over her pride and walk away...even if it means starting from the bottom. and let her knowthat everyone will be there to suport her Last edited by LeeBrat; Jan 31, 05 at 04:13 AM.
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Jan 31, 05
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Last edited by yoko*; Jan 31, 05 at 04:41 PM.
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Jan 31, 05
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acidic liquid, i honestly do hope all goes well for your freind and if you ever need support or sumone to talk to who knows kinda what this is all about u can pm me. im a good listener. :)
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Jan 31, 05
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Thanks everyone. It's really good to hear everyone's insights on the situation. This has never happened to me directly really, but witnessing it as I am is bad enough. Seriously, you guys who overcame it are awesome!
I will always be there for my friend. I'm thinking I'll just keep talking to her and slowly help her realize the situation in a non-threatening way. She needs people to care for her, not lecture her.
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