Scott's second poemy thing (Please Comment)

zombie scotty · #1 (**permalink**) Mar 08, 05

SEASONS OF LOVE

Our love blossoms anew
From the frozen wastes of winter
Tendrils of life poking through
The nothingness of our lives is broken
Meaningā€¦

The heyday of our union
Our love is like a sun
Shining down on us Its warmth gives us the strength
To push into the future, hand in handā€¦

I feel you drifting away
Like leaves on a gusty day
We become distanced
Life, now dominated by screams
I hit youā€¦

Your screams
Chilling me to the bone
Like an arctic blizzard
My anger, long suppressed, bursts into flame
You are lost to meā€¦

Whyā€¦

Ragga_Wh0re · #2 (**permalink**) Mar 08, 05

im still not feeling it.

~god~ · #3 (**permalink**) Mar 08, 05

overdo of similes.
on the 2nd stanza, "Our love is like a sun" sounds too cheesy.
ending with the "Why..." is weak.

try poking at a specific feeling/event instead of the composing random and repeated images.

Keep at it :)