scared to ask the important questions.

[Kandyapple]

ok so I’m sure a lot of people have gone through this and it tends to be a recurring issue with me. I guess there is this point in every relationship where it is really hard to address concerns and ask important questions about needs and where the other thinks you guys are going when you aren’t sure if it is too soon.

I guess if it is really important to you should talk about it right? but it can be really hard when you haven’t even fully gotten to know all about that other person yet. for myself I have a tendency to worry that if I start talking about important issues and needs to soon then I will scare the other person away. its not that I’m trying to move in faster than what they are comfortable wish, it usually means that I just need more communication and to actually know where they want us to go.

I do have a tendency to seem like I’m pushing things to fast. I like to be comfortable with someone I’m seeing. and I like to address things that are bothering me before they become a big problem for me. because they might not be so big at the moment but once its allowed to become a trend then it starts to bother me.

ok example: I’m seeing someone right now. he doesn’t have a lot of time for me. he is dealing with a lot of past problems in his life and he is trying to get it worked out by focusing on constructive things like school and work. that’s awesome I think that’s good for him. but through doing this he makes himself almost unavailable.
I understand this but at the same time I do want to see him more than 3 hours a week on one of his days off. we are still getting to know each other and I don’t even see him enough to really find out anything about him. its ok I guess but its gona be something that is gona disappoint me in the future if I’m dating him part time.

so yah back to my question. we haven’t been seeing each other long at all. we are still casual because he doesn’t have a lot of time. but it is still important to me to be able to see him from time to time not every day but more than like 4 hours a week. because it is so soon to be bringing things up I am a little reluctant to discuss this concern with him. but it is important to me. so should I just do it casually and not make it all intense but make it known that I need a little more of his attention and effort from him. or should I just let it slide for a bit longer and see if it gets better without saying anything?

blah ok time for a breath huh. lol
anyway yah input would be greatly appreciated. :)

[sungoo]

If I were you, I'd wonder why he isn't spending more time with you... I mean, naturally if you like someone, you'd want to spend more time with them... and if it is because he's got work and school, and those are higher priority, I think you should ask him for a little more of his attention because I mean, if he really did care a lot about you he'd be willing to put you above them... BUT as you said you have just started seeing him, I'd figure it would be best to see how things turn out... give him a few weeks, let him figure things out... give him his space for it sounds like he's wanting it...
p.s. it's naive to believe that anything will get better if you make no effort to change it...

[cinist]

just let it take its course

[cyberdog]

Random thought #1...I have an old friend who used to explain how she decided if she would start seeing someone or not...she said she had to "see sparks"...some excitement, some wow, I really like being with this person...if all he can devote to you is 3-4 hours a week, and you've already started seeing him and thus accepted to some degree the low amount of time he can put forth...it makes me wonder if there are any "sparks"...and, if not, why bother with the releationship at all?

Random thought #2...(and yes, I know this is pretty well a contradiction of Random thought #1)...maybe because you are both in the "getting to know you" stage, he feels that all he can devote, given his other responsabilities, is 3-4 hours a week...but maybe, if there is something worth basing a relationship on, he will, over time, find creative ways of including in his life more...for example, if he usually eats dinner with 'rents, then homework, then chillax before bed, maybe he'll invite you over for dinner, chillax with you and do his homework once you leave...it lets him get same stuff done but still spend more time with you...anyhoo, just an example...but yeah, maybe his actions over the coming weeks will give you a clue as to his intentions...

...just some things to consider since ultimately the decision is yours...

[vesperstina]

ok

-he's trying to get his life in order
-trying to concentrate on things that are important like work and school
-you just started seeing eachother

i would say that you should focus on your friendship with him. unless you were friends before. be content with what he has to offer you since his life should be more important than your relationship. think of his big picture. while still focussing on your relationship. just be content. also, he's probably aware that you two aren't spending enough time together, but it always helps your communication if you discuss it, that doesn't mean that it's going to change. and if it doens't, well then it's probably not right as previously inidicated.

stin a


ps. there's multiple routes to take, just pick one that help you and your relationship.

[Jingles]

my heart always goes in two directons on this one - When it's actually happening to me, I too can't always bring up what i need to and because of this I un-needingly put my own heart through the wringer -
I honestly believe if someone wants to spend time with another - hey wil make that time. And if they really really can not see you - then maybe it's a nightly phhone conversation or something.
Seeing one another takes the effort of both parties and if one person is the only one making the effort - then where is this thing headed anyway?
Naturally, your heart wants to accept the excuses - wants you to believe you are being a good person by helping them and being understanding. But it's torturing yourself - and so you should likely put yourself out there a little and talk - "I know you have a lot of positive things going on in your life right now, and I really want to support them - at the same time I hope that I can also be one of those things and in order to do so, I feel it's important to see more of one another"
YOu gotta know what he's hinking to know where this should go next. If he says he wants to see more of you too- but it'll be a month before that feesible, you guys can come up with an interm plan. If he says he'd love to see more of you but he doesn't know when that'll ever be possible -- Should you really be putting your heart on hold, for a boy who isn't contributing?

Sorry- but you must talk, any relationship, friend or romantic involves both of you :)

[Kandyapple]

ok I guess i should mention that one of the past problems is his last relationship. a bad break up which has really made him uneasy with getting a new one going. we are seeing eachother but he has told me that he doesnt want to be to intense right now. thats fine i dont need to call him every day and i dont need to see him every waking hour. but regardless i feel it is still imoprtant that if even if we are just seeing eachother i still need to get some time with that person. dan i know what you mean about the sparks thing. I question that to. i like him but there hasn't been a lot of excitement. I guess where i'm standing with that is (you knowing more about this topic with me and possibly my reasons) I'm looking for something comfortable right now. when i'm with him I am. so if i can make this work then i'm going to try.
I think that I will talk to him about it. it is soon but i think that in a situation like this i cant let it drag on without change or i'm just going to end up getting hurt. so i guess i just need to go for it and talk about it because i think i need to know where he stands so that i can make a decision that is best for me.

blah i think i just like to find harder situations for some reason.
*sigh*

[Kandyapple]

also jingles i whole heartedly agree with you. and understand how easy it is to give the advice but so hard when it is actualy your turn to follow it. it hurts to think that i may have gotten myself back into the same old pattern of being overly accepting and spreading myself thin.
i'm going to talk to him. its really early still but I just need to know because its important to me.

[Goat]

Dan, you got some deep shit goin on there.

Lauren, seeing as how there are several options wich have been voiced here, my oppinion as should everyone elses here, only be taken to where you're going to be able to be comfortable with the decision you made. and with that in mind, i'll flat out say that i'm sketchy right now and am just trying to help, so you should just stop reading now. ( <that didn't make sense i know)

i believe the underlying issue at hand is not how much time you need to spend together, but more of the need to voice, and maybe re-organize depending on those priorities, of each persons expectations and feelings of how this relationship is supposed to go.

if you're not happy with the hours you spend together, why are you being dragged behind in a relationship where you're unhappy? is it fair to you? (no) is it fair to him in the end? (no)

you are fully entitled as a person to express yourself and your emotions. if you're in a relationship where mutual feelings aren't reciprocated, don't cheat yourself or anyone else, you deserve to be happy.

i hope that made sense, and i hope everything works out to your greatest satisfactions and expectations.

-max

u know what...screw guys and their bullshit talk of sweet nothings into your ears.

Don't believe a fucken word they say

[kozmo_jr]

Do it or don't do it, I sat on the fence for two long and im a mess.
good luck.

[Kandyapple]

yah i kinda brought it up the other night. more on how it didnt seem like he noticed that we didnt get a lot of time together. i didnt really make it a sit down serious convo though just floated it for him to think about. I did get a lot more time with him this weekend though so maybe i'm just kinda blowing things out of porportion to quickly. but whateve we shall see in good time.

[stabmyhead]

I can be a bit of a relationship skeptic, so this might come off a bit pessimistic. It seems as if he shrugs this off as a casual relationship in which he does not care to devote much of his time towards. Since you guys just started going out and he's still dealing with "past problems", he isn't sure if this is something worth sacrificing his time towards yet.

How long ago did this "past problem" occur?

There are a lot of ways in which he can still incorporate you into his life while still completing those important priorities. He could have you over to help him with his homework, you could share lunch together before he has work/school, you could visit him at work, etc.

It just sounds to me like you're the only one willing to make an effort in trying to hold the loose strings of what appears to be a poorly constructed relationship, together. You can't keep pulling and expecting him to come...

You seem to look deep into finding reassurance in a relationship to build your confidence that the relationship will work to ensure that you do not end up with a broken heart or whatnot. If he is not willing to invest the time and heart in the relationship, then maybe it's not the right relationship for you.

[sexynat429]

if i was you i would tell him, i know it might be hard to find the right time and it might be hard to have the courage but once you tell him life would be so much easier.


i have that problem to i want to tell them but i can't cause i think that it will scare them away. but wit my b/f now i just wait until we are alone and we are both in a good mood and try and talk to him about stuff and then after we have a good convo and feel a lot better that we got it out in the open.


because a relationship isn't really a relationship wit out communicating. how are you suppose to know what the other person feels if you don't have serious conversations with them early on in the relationship. and i find that it doesn't scare some guys away just make sure they are willing to listen and give you some in put. then you can get to know the person that you are dating and they can get to know you. and actually like what's on the inside instead of your looks at first.

well i should stop typin now cause my fingers are starting to hurt.

i hope this makes sense to ya!

[Kandyapple]

well i've kinda made the decision i think i always knew i needed to make. i've already asked him to take a step back and i havent called him since even though we were on good terms. he hasnt made any effort to call me and well I can tell that if i'm needing to try this hard at something this early then its just not gona fly. I just try to root out the best before finaly just seeing things for what they are. so i think i just need to be friends in this situation. knowing myself i just cant stand being with somone that will make no effort to see me/make time for me. or even call me regularly. so meh just nip it in the bud before it becomes a bigger problem. sometimes it just wont work. oh well.
also thanks for all the advice everyone.

[Sketchy]

Originally posted by Lady_Venom
u know what...screw guys and their bullshit talk of sweet nothings into your ears.

Don't believe a fucken word they say

Come on now, they arent all bad!

*whispers sweet nothings*