having almost everything

[mugsy]

in so many aspects of my life, i am fullfilled, happy and content for this time. everything i do is insuring my aspirations, and everything i do is everything i love. i am madly in love with an amazing person, i am surrounded by most interesting and wonderful people, and everyday i am closer to a life time of following my passion.
even with all of this its hard to wake up some mornings and face other realities. watching the person you admire and aspire to be slowly slip farther away is awful. having to do things you normally wouldnt just becasue the person cant anymore, doing everything you can to make them happy even if inside you feel like curling up and crying.
fuck i used to think the end of a relationship was the end of the world, that failing a test meant the end of the world, that being late or missing an important date would mean the end of the world. now faced with a real issue, something that is too massive for me to comprehend, everything else seems so small. yet my emotions go crazy everyonce in awhile, and im bitter and mean and its awful. its completely not justified in any way, i should not take my pain out on others.
some days i wonder how it is that i get up and deal with it all. i think its most likely because i just havent accepted or comprehended the extent of what is happening. i can say it, and watch it, but its like im a little kid and i cant grasp the concept of it. i tell myself that their are others with problems much worse than my own, and that i should feel bad for ever feeling like shit, when i have things like an unbelievably beautiful person as a boyfriend, and a loving family, and that im persuing my passion. but it really is a big deal.
then i wonder about "big deals" and the whole concept behind that. everyone has a different definition of whats a big deal to them. my definition like i said changed two years ago.
but should a big deal give me the right to change as a person? some days i feel myself returning to this protective insecure 16 year old person, when truely deep inside im a wear-her-heart-on-her-sleeve fully secure (almost) 20 year old young lady. but there are good things happening too. im more selective on who i keep company with, im realizing the value of time and of life, and that lifes only worth living if you love\loved in every day. ive learned to take things by day by day, because tomorow you really can loose someone. but its so hard to not look towards the future. to know that someone wont be there, someone who is so fucking important, is just awful. i cant handle it, so i just dont accept it, and thats terrible. not accepting reality is awful.

this is a long post, and i should stop before it becomes any longer. i just needed to get somethings out. i spent the day being asked to do simple tasks for my dad because he couldnt, and i had ot look into his eyes and see how sad this made him, and it ripped my heart to shreds.

[MC Hammered]

Live today so you have no regrets, tell the ones you love what you have to say because there is no guarantee that there will be a tomorrow.

Being stubborn, proud, young, arrogant, stupid, etc are just excuses.

Do what you have to do to make your heart be at peace before you sleep and you will live a wonderful life.

Just don't wait 10 years to start.

[miss.myra]

I lost my father too, and it is something that to this day keeps breaking my heart, for real.

Isn't it strange? It's like you grow up thinking the world of your father, you think they can do anything, or protect you from everything. It's really really hard to face that by suddenly having that role reversed, and no matter how grown up you think you might be, having that image you always had of them as a little kid is just suddenly gone is difficult to deal with.

And it's so hard to feel so completely lucky, but at the same time, so upset about things in your life you wish you could change. I'm so glad you can count your blessings, because it can be very hard to at times like this.

Spending all the time you can with them, and being there for them is something you're really lucky to have, and I am certain you realize that. I'm sitting here years later stuck on all the 'should haves' becuase I really didn't have the opportunity to say goodbye, and I felt it really hard just to say everything I really needed to because at the time I don't think I could really accept everything that was happening.

Our situations are probably not totally similar, but my heart really goes out to you and what you're experiencing right now.

[mugsy]

mc hammered : thats just it, i am living everyday fully, believe me. and i realize my assholic nature somedays is stupid and not justified and i feel terrible, and i dont make excuses for it, i accept it. im just helpless, and not used to that feeling.

myra: nail on the head.

but really, i think its hard for me to grasp the concept of having to say goodbye. i got told to do it once by the doctors, and it was awful. and i cant express the feeling i had when my dad spoke to me again weeks later. but this experience wont happen again. next time, it will be for good. and i cant be sad about it yet, mentally and physically something inside wont let me. i know its there, but every tear\bad feeling feels false.
i need reality to slap me.
ka huff.

[MC Hammered]

When reality does slap you it'll sting more than you can possible imagine.

I don't wish upon anyone what I went through.