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Apr 01, 05
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Dear fnk (?why)
This last week for me has been filled with amounts of tears that i could no longer hold within myself. I am turning to my friends and fellow members of this board who have felt the suffering of loss.
My Grandfather is leaving me soon, as he has taken a turn for the worse. Most would conclude that it is with old age that comes sickness and biological failure, but the grief that has overtaken my emotions is far greater than any heartbreak i could compare. Durring most teenage years everyone rebels, and goes against their parents wishes and demands, my parents, divorced, both kicked me out of their homes and left me to smarten up on my own. The only family and guidence i was granted was the undying devoted love my grandparents. They took me in, cared for me, supported me, and taught me the discipline when my own parents would not. I had so muc respect for them in their old age that i couldnt bring myself to treat them like i was treating my parents. From the age of 15-18 ,( until i graduated), i lived in their home, under their roof, obeying their rules. For elderly folk to live with such a generation gap, i could never repay their kindness enough. I love them so much. And now that my grandmother lost her beloved pet of 20 years, a day before his,(the dog) birthday, and my grandfather is turning 81 on the 6th Day of April, my grandmother fears that his fate will be along with Dustys' (the dog). And she is a terrible wreck. Going to the Hospital only to see him hooked up to machines with plasic life supporting each breathe, breaks my heart because i know their is nothing i can do. My grandfather is one of the most stubborn and stongest men i have ever had the pleasure of knowing and loving, and now he has said from the lips of his own mouth, to his son (my dad) and his own wife, that he does not want to fight anymore, and that he is giving up his hope, and he is not going to make it. He had his gaul bladder removed in December and they had clamped it to prevent leaking. On Easter Sunday, he had discouverd that his kidney stones had burst through the clamp wich exluted his stomache acids within his body, creating instant severe pain. I have been holding this in and i dont really have anyone to turn to as my father has never been one to put his arms around me to tell me, "It's gunna be alright kid." and my best friend feels that it is not his place anymore. Its hard to turn to my mother because she is already trying to comfort my little brother and i just sit in denile because i cant think of my life without my grandfather in it. Im sorry to spill this out all over the boards, but this is Heart-2-heart, and right now, i could really use some other hearts to connect to and feel comforted by. Thanks for listening. 
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Apr 01, 05
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*big hugs* Long time no see Girl. Chin up! :)
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Apr 01, 05
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go cold, a few more deaths in the family and you'll have it down flat
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Apr 01, 05
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omg, hugs from me! i'm actually crying a little too. you said your Grandfather was stubborn and strong, tell him to fight it, that you don't want to lose him. as hard as it is try to smile, if he's seeing everyone so sad around him he'll probably get sad aswell. i swear if you can get him to smile it won't be so hard.
~big hug~
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Apr 01, 05
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I don't have much time right now, I'll try to make this short, maybe post more later.
I know how you feel. My father has been very ill recently. If you've ever seen the machinist you'll know how he looks now. Anyways, it's tough but he's taken a turn for the better and I've realised, during those times, don't ever deny yourself the right to vent about how you feel. There is nothing you can do, and it's hard to admit that, but once you realise it, you can atleast help yourself from becoming a wreck, and getting through this difficult time. Taking it upon yourself to bottle it up and shoulder the pain, you end up fighting both yourself and and your grandfathers plight. So far, I'm yet to find a 'right' answer to this whole situation. I don't even think there is a 'right' answer, I just know there are so many mistakes you can make that could be detramental to your emotions. either way, goodluck with everything.
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Apr 01, 05
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Im so sorry. I have the same bond with my grandfather as you do with yours and I cant even imagine what you are going through. Spending as much time with him now is so important, even if you may not want to see him as is. I hope you have supportive friends who will be there to hug you when you need it. Just remember that everything happens for a reason, and no matter what happens your grandpa is going to love you forever. Spend lots of time with your grandma as shes probably feeling the same pain, only worse. Good luck.
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Apr 01, 05
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Iknow exactly what your saying crystal.
I went throught the same thing with my grandfather when I was younger. Except he raised me for a good period of my life. Losing him was the hardess thing I've ever done in my life, but you know what. I got through it and so will you. Dont hold your emotions in tho.. just let them out and cry cry cry cry cry if you must. Think of all the memories. spend as much time as possible before he goes........ I didnt do that cause I was young and scared and I regret it every day. You'll get through this... just its gonna be rough. <3
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Apr 01, 05
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first off <Big Ass Hug>
My grandfather has always been my biggest role model...and my love and respect for him could not be measured. I understand how you feel. You see he lived in the Kootneys and I didn't see him much, but we were always close. He died and I wasn't able to say goodbye, he didn't even get to see me graduate high school! This hurts me a lot, and still does to this day. He died doing what he loved though, fishing, with Peanuts his dog. This was somewhat comforting. I know it's bad seeing someone you look up to so much, so weak and hurt. However he is still there, and while you have the chance dear tell him what you told us. Say goodbye and tell him how much knowing and being around him has meant to you. This will mean the world to him, but he already know's this...guarenteed. Take care and be strong!
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Apr 02, 05
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crystal , hope you feel better , i know the feeling of wanting to help a loved one but not being able to , its one of the worst feelings in the world , you just want to hug them and make them feel better but you can't
its like cobains lyrics 'i wish i could eat your cancer when you turn black' listen to some music and numb the pain girl
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