A Girl's Guide to Dating GI Joe and Other Plastic Action Figures

Heffy · #1 (**permalink**) Jun 08, 06

Saw this on craigslist and thought it was pretty well written. Enjoy.
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Why are so many of the women that I know involved with and attracted to guys who don’t seem to meet their basic needs or share their common interests? It’s like some sort of epidemic or malaise. A friend of mine dates this guy for two years, marries him, and then tearfully asks my wife and I why he does not seem enthralled at the prospect of spending hour upon hour of his one day off from work looking at china patterns.

This suffering needs to stop. Ladies - it’s time for me to point out the obvious. You went and married the wrong male plastic dolls. What you wanted was Malibu Ken. What you got was the GI Joe with Kung Fu Grip.

Let’s illuminate the facts a little further. Let’s get to the source of how your dating instincts could have led you so badly astray. When as little girls you played with Ken, all perfect with his shiny plastic hair and knock off lacoste t-shirt, you identified him as being the perfect mate.

Barbie: “Ken, what to you think about going with these rose hip patterns for our new china set?”

Ken: “That sounds fantastic Barbie! I was about to suggest it myself!”

Barbie: “Ken, do you feel like having a romantic dinner and telling me how beautiful I am while I talk about shoes for several hours?”

Ken: “That sounds fantastic Barbie! I was about to suggest it myself!”

Ladies, when men were little boys they didn’t play with Ken dolls, Malibu or otherwise… We played with GI Joe and his stubbly felt beard. Rugged, tough, and with an action button in his plastic backside, ready to unleash his kung fu fury upon the family pet, the sofa, or any other threat to national security within our underdeveloped arm’s reach.

When we were playing with GI Joe’s, we weren’t trying to rescue Barbie so that we could have our ‘dream wedding.’

Seriously.

Never once did we scream across gator infested waters in our military swamp buggy to reach our all terrain mobile command centre with rooftop mounted missile turret so that we could safely clear the way to help Barbie get to the year end sale at Pottery Barn.

Not once. Sorry.

And if we ever did (stretching out our imaginations for a moment) then it would have probably gone something like this!

GI Joe kicks the lid off of a shoe box which is actually ‘Sadam’s Secret Torture Lair.’

GI Joe: “Aha! Me and the rest of my cobra commandos have got you now Sadam. Release Barbie from your evil torture device.”

Barbie, who tied up with masking tape and elastic bands with half of our mother’s pin cushion collection sticking out of her chest, looks up at her savior with two blinded eyes courtesy of the other half of the pin cushion contents…

Plastic Sadam Hussein: Damn you Joe and your cobra commandoes! And right before I was about to launch my SCUD Missile.

GI Joe: You have a missile?? Cool! Um, can I maybe come over some time after school and check it out?

Plastic Sadam Hussein: Sure! Hey, I was about to go launch it right now at the Kuwaitis. Why don’t you come watch!

GI Joe: Sweet!

Joe and Plastic Sadam then proceed to hightail it out of there leaving Barbie to the tender mercies of General Tron, Plastic Sadam Hussein’s second in command.

End Scene.

Women, you should be dating the Ken doll. Of course, I think we all know that that would probably be doomed to failure as well. Why wouldn’t Ken work out? Let’s see:
• Great dresser? – Check!
• Immaculate hair and personal hygiene? – Check!
• Likes to shop? – Check!
• Lives in a tasteful but incredibly small studio apartment that feels a little like living in a closet? – Ok honey, you do the math on this one…

And even if Ken wasn’t as gay as Sean Hayes from ‘Will and Grace’ you STILL wouldn’t be attracted to him because Ken is just a Lacoste wearing punk ass. Women don’t really like men who are spineless bitches. It’s true. If Ken wound up going to prison he would still wind up being the bitch of whoever he shacked up with as a cell mate. Instead of Ken and Barbie it would be Ken and Bobby:

Bobby: “Ken, I want you to put on these high heeled shoes and lipstick and go sell cigarettes down on Cell Block D.”

Ken: “That sounds fantastic Bobby! I was about to suggest it myself!”

Having said this, I think we can boil all of this down into one simple pearl of collective dating wisdom:

Ladies, avoid becoming attracted to men who are made out of molded plastic.

And now I have to bid you all Adieu so I can jump in my cobra commando strike team vehicle and hunt down Osama. The latest intelligence reports indicate that he is hiding out somewhere amidst all the junk under my bed.

Best wishes,

The Undead Survival Guide