Mach 33

[djmarkpaul]

Maybe you know us by name, we're the undisclosed, and to us you're all the same. Too concentrated on your own game, going nowhere fast. Mach 33 to be exact.

People find themselves beside themselves.
People kill themselves to fill themselves.

People are full of shit. They throw Rover a bone and watch him choke on it. Their kundalini is verbal diarreha mixed with onomatopoeia. Buzzwords. It's priceless, but still for sale. Always one drop short to fill the pail. It could be their saviour asking them for the time and they'd say:

"No I'm sorry. Really, I'm in quite the hurry. No time to talk, all day to worry."

"Look busy" is now the word, street preachers know that's quite absurd. See they're the ones who've simply heard. Now they're wearing crosses 'round their necks, although to J.C. that's no hex. It's not like he died on one of those, got nailed right above the toes. But still they ask to hear their woes, when will they learn, they're his foes.

People try just to get by.
People like this can not die.

They're already dead.

[~*tct*~]

very very interesting.

[Ragga_Wh0re]

i like the idea of this poem, however i do not like the way it has been put together. The rhyming is really fucking redundant, i am sick of seeing rhyming like this. I fell into doing that for a very long time, and im proud to say that i havent done it in a while. Im a recovering redundant rhymer and my name is jungal.

Im all for rhyming just s long as its a little bit more well thought out and its not completely obvious,like hey "foe fro toe woe sew boh ho doh" type of stuff u know guy?!

and quit being such a fucking baby about me critisizing your work, this is a msg forum...this is the creative section. Not everyone is going to like your work.

suck it up princess.

[BreaksBoy]

suck it up princess...... words to live by?

[djmarkpaul]

Originally Posted by ~*goddessa*~

suck it up princess.

Take your own advice. You concentrate on the rhyme scheme instead of hidden meanings. I knew you wouldn't get it.

[sidekick]

Originally Posted by djmarkpaul

Take your own advice. You concentrate on the rhyme scheme instead of hidden meanings. I knew you wouldn't get it.

dude, you can't critisize her for her critique on your rhyme scheme by saying, stop focussing on the rhyme scheme and check out my nifty hidden meanings. a poem encompasses all those things: rhyme scheme, rhythm, wording, meaning, and visualization. if one of those is off kilter, it can really put a whole wrench into your poem. so don't throw away her comment, it's actually very valid.

i like the whole set-up of the poem, and mostly your choice of wording is very good. it flows well and sounds nice. however, i do agree with goddessa that you need to check up on your rhyme scheme. here is the thing: it sounds like a sorta of weird Dr. Seuss rap song in some parts.

does this piece even need rhyme? i think you have created a nice flow and the rhyming actually breaks this up because it draws our attention away from your poem and message and makes us focus on the constant rhymes you're making.

rhyming is a dangerous thing in poems if you can't do it right. if it sounds forced and unnatural then it can really take away from your poem because that is all the reader is focussing on.

dig?

[sidekick]

as an addition to my last post, this is my favourite line in the poem:

"No I'm sorry. Really, I'm in quite the hurry. No time to talk, all day to worry."

and if you do decide to tone down the rhyme scheme or whatever, don't touch this line.

[djmarkpaul]

Originally Posted by Sidekick

dude, you can't critisize her for her critique on your rhyme scheme by saying, stop focussing on the rhyme scheme and check out my nifty hidden meanings.

Oh really? Looks like I just did.

[djmarkpaul]

Originally Posted by Sidekick

as an addition to my last post, this is my favourite line in the poem:

"No I'm sorry. Really, I'm in quite the hurry. No time to talk, all day to worry."

and if you do decide to tone down the rhyme scheme or whatever, don't touch this line.

It's a spoken word piece, it's supposed to be choppy, you wouldn't get it unless you heard it live, and I ain't gonna do that for ya. You try to tell me to improve? Thanks I don't need your shitty advice, it's perfect and you'll probably never know why.

[sidekick]

Originally Posted by djmarkpaul

Oh really? Looks like I just did.

haha. dude, if you can't take criticism and respond like a baby then you are not cut out for the world of writing. you have to be willing to expose your work to the critique of others, otherwise how will we ever improve ourselves. it's hard to look at our own work as objectionably as someone else can.

perhaps goddessa is a little too harsh in how she phrases things, but still...i tried to offer some polite help.

[sidekick]

Originally Posted by djmarkpaul

Thanks I don't need your shitty advice, it's perfect and you'll probably never know why.

if you think like this, you will never be a writer.

or at least, not a good one.

plus: that's cool that you think it's perfect, but if the rest of the world sees flaws in it, then doesn't that mean something to you?

[Ragga_Wh0re]

Originally Posted by djmarkpaul

It's a spoken word piece, it's supposed to be choppy, you wouldn't get it unless you heard it live, and I ain't gonna do that for ya. You try to tell me to improve? Thanks I don't need your shitty advice, it's perfect and you'll probably never know why.

tell us why its perfect because apparently we both have failed to see the perfection in this piece?

shitty advice? Youre a fucking baby. We give you feedback you dont like to hear then you get your panties in a wad because of it.

you are not a writer, you only think you are leetal man.

[mapleleaf4ever]

I can spell my Name! :)

[sidekick]

Originally Posted by djmarkpaul

It's a spoken word piece, it's supposed to be choppy, you wouldn't get it unless you heard it live, and I ain't gonna do that for ya.

hmm....one has to wonder why you would post a spoken word piece on the internet, where people can only read it and then yell at us when he try to help you make it better.

[djmarkpaul]

Originally Posted by Sidekick

haha. dude, if you can't take criticism and respond like a baby then you are not cut out for the world of writing. you have to be willing to expose your work to the critique of others, otherwise how will we ever improve ourselves. it's hard to look at our own work as objectionably as someone else can.

perhaps goddessa is a little too harsh in how she phrases things, but still...i tried to offer some polite help.

I don't need you to be polite. I have more respect for godessa for not sugar coating her message. You on the other hand are a little bitch. If you don't like it then be straight up. I don't write for people. Most people are shit and should be beheaded. I write this for myself, and I know this being on a public board there is quite the paradox but guess what? Ask me if I care.

[Ragga_Wh0re]

^i write for myself too, and im not lame about it.

[djmarkpaul]

Originally Posted by ~*goddessa*~

tell us why its perfect because apparently we both have failed to see the perfection in this piece?

shitty advice? Youre a fucking baby. We give you feedback you dont like to hear then you get your panties in a wad because of it.

you are not a writer, you only think you are leetal man.

I'm the baby but you're the own incessively name calling. You don't deserve to know why it's perfect, and I don't want you to like it either.

[sidekick]

Originally Posted by djmarkpaul

I don't need you to be polite. I have more respect for godessa for not sugar coating her message. You on the other hand are a little bitch. If you don't like it then be straight up. I don't write for people. Most people are shit and should be beheaded. I write this for myself, and I know this being on a public board there is quite the paradox but guess what? Ask me if I care.

i wasn't sugar coating anything. i don't do that.

maybe the reason that i wasn't as harsh as goddessa was because i actually liked it? did that ever cross your mind? i said the only problem i had with it was the rhyming. and then i tried to offer some advice, i didn't say you HAD to do it, i was just offering my own thoughts.

why do you think there are so many writer groups around the world? they sit down and share their writing and try to help eachother out. i wasn't being a little bitch, i just didn't feel the need to yell and scream to get my point across.

but i suggest if you don't want people commenting on it, to not post in in a public board. yeah i know you don't care, blah blah blah.

[djmarkpaul]

Originally Posted by ~*goddessa*~

^i write for myself too, and im not lame about it.

Don't worry this was a one time deal. I won't waste my time sharing poetic knowledge with this board again. Take a bow.

[djmarkpaul]

Originally Posted by Sidekick

i wasn't sugar coating anything. i don't do that.

maybe the reason that i wasn't as harsh as goddessa was because i actually liked it? did that ever cross your mind? i said the only problem i had with it was the rhyming. and then i tried to offer some advice, i didn't say you HAD to do it, i was just offering my own thoughts.

why do you think there are so many writer groups around the world? they sit down and share their writing and try to help eachother out. i wasn't being a little bitch, i just didn't feel the need to yell and scream to get my point across.

but i suggest if you don't want people commenting on it, to not post in in a public board. yeah i know you don't care, blah blah blah.

LOL. You know what I like you, you can come over and fuck my sister!

[Ragga_Wh0re]

Originally Posted by djmarkpaul

I'm the baby but you're the own incessively name calling. You don't deserve to know why it's perfect, and I don't want you to like it either.

dooooooooooooooood, i didnt say i didnt like it. if u refer to my first post on this piece i said something to the effect of:i like the idea of this poem however i do not like the way it was put 2gether.

the only thing that erks me about this poem is the lame ass rhyme scheme,and your lame ass attitude and inability to take critisim be it through "sugar coated" words or be it through "incessive" name calling.

[Ragga_Wh0re]

Originally Posted by djmarkpaul

Don't worry this was a one time deal. I won't waste my time sharing poetic knowledge with this board again. Take a bow.

youre a conceited prick. The only thing youve shared with this board is poetic ignorance.

[djmarkpaul]

Originally Posted by ~*goddessa*~

dooooooooooooooood, i didnt say i didnt like it.

Neither did I. You should learn to read between the lines, actually don't. You're far more entertaining this way.

[djmarkpaul]

Originally Posted by ~*goddessa*~

youre a conceited prick. The only thing youve shared with this board is poetic ignorance.

You're right. Take another bow.

[mapleleaf4ever]

Originally Posted by djmarkpaul

LOL. You know what I like you, you can come over and fuck my sister!

Is there no situation G/Sgt. Hartmann doesn't apply to?