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| Coffee Lounge Talk amongst other community members. |
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Dec 03, 04
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Merry Sexmas - festive jokes and such
  
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Dec 03, 04
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Dec 03, 04
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Dec 03, 04
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Dec 03, 04
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Barbie's letter to Santa
Dear Santa, Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa. 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!! 3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct. 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!! 6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!! 8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. 10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it! Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple. Yours truly, Barbie Ken's letter to Santa Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and others. PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken
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Dec 03, 04
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oh shieeet... cuz that is fukn funny yo.. i like the "how u can tell you've been REALLY bad" with santa shitting in the chimney... bahahaha.
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Dec 03, 04
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Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had accrued while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, but all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree, and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?" And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
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Dec 03, 04
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cheeeeeezy ones :P
What kind of music do elves like best?
"Wrap" music! How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders! What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with? Why, shortbread of course! What kind of money do elves use? Jingle bills! Why did Santa's helper see the doctor? Because he had low "elf" esteem! How long should an elf's legs be? Just long enough to reach the ground! What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer? "First, YULE LOGon"! Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log! What's the first thing elves learn in school? The "elf"-abet! Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars? Elfis! Who lives at the North Pole, makes toys and rides around in a pumpkin? Cinder-"elf"-a! One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas dinner". And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!" Why do elves scratch themselves? Because they're the only ones who know where its itchy! How do elves greet each other? "Small world, isn't it?" Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in? Mini vans! What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes? A real Christmas Card! What do they call a wild elf in Texas? Gnome on the range! Why did the elves spell Christmas N-O-E? Because Santa had said, "No L!" Why did the elves ask the turkey to join the band? Because he had the drum sticks! If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes! What's another name for Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses! Where do you find elves? Depends where you left them!
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Dec 03, 04
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THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin. WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN A Christmas tree is always erect. Even small ones give satisfaction. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. A Christmas tree has cute balls. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
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Dec 03, 04
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10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. 09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices. 08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet. 07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home. 05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it. 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away. 03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees. 02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day. 01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
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Dec 03, 04
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oh sheena you rock.
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Dec 03, 04
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haha..nice...
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Dec 04, 04
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Dec 04, 04
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Dec 04, 04
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Dec 04, 04
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Dec 04, 04
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Dear Diary,
AUG 12 Moved to our new home in upstate New York. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow on them. I love it here. OCT 14 Upstate New York is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here. NOV 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here. DEC 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel again. What a beautiful place. I love upstate New York. DEC 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here! DEC 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow plow. DEC 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole! DEC 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggin snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snow plow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice. DEC 27 More white shit last night. Been inside for 3 days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is? DEC 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before next summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his fucking head. JAN 4 Finally out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November. MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from that fucking salt they put all over the road. MAY 10 Moved to Georgia. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would want to live in that God-forsaken state of New York.
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Dec 15, 04
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