Things that men do that make us proud of ourselves

(Found this on a British site, hence the weird slang.)

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are
men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks.

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're well hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says,"but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ******. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale.Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

[zarlon]

hilarious

[Discord]

:)

I open jars for him.

[Gusto]

haha, nice. drinking up and phone calls under a minute are big for me.

[mapleleaf4ever]

heh heh sharpening Pencils with a Knife... My Dad showed me how to do that.

[Mangle]

Haha. We rule!

...yet we're so lame.

[decypher]

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

[Mangle]

Originally Posted by decypher

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

I have a fine selection of current music magazines permanently sitting on my toilet.

[ebbomega]

Jim keeps Maxims, FHMs and various other boobies in ours.

[b0ld]

Originally Posted by Discord

:)

I open jars for him.

you must give a mean handjob :P

[ebbomega]

Shots to the arm. I don't know why but we seem to just like them... they're like the "hey, buddy, stop being a dumbass" without words.

[clearist]

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.


Thats not a thin bit of wood.. thats my paint stirrer.

[dave mcnasty]

lol

this was totally made by someone from the UK

[esoter1c]

Originally Posted by McNasty

lol

this was totally made by someone from the UK

Innit.

[ebbomega]

Originally Posted by clearist

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.


Thats not a thin bit of wood.. thats my paint stirrer.

IT'S CALLED A STIRSTICK, OKAY?

[judicious.]

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George it is then. Seven. See ya."

That one describes me the most. I hate talking on the phone for longer then I have to.

[Mangle]

Originally Posted by ebbomega

Jim keeps Maxims, FHMs and various other boobies in ours.

I don't know why you'd want to look at boobs when you're taking a crap. Those are two things (three technically) that I would never want to associate mentally or physically.

[esoter1c]

Originally Posted by Mangle

I don't know why you'd want to look at boobs when you're taking a crap. Those are two things (three technically) that I would never want to associate mentally or physically.

Someone's a closet fecalfeliac. :285:

[mapleleaf4ever]

Originally Posted by McNasty

lol

this was totally made by someone from the UK

Watson! You might be on to something!!!

Originally Posted by 1st line of the Post

(Found this on a British site, hence the weird slang.)

[clearist]

Originally Posted by ebbomega

IT'S CALLED A STIRSTICK, OKAY?

OKAY!!!!

[dave mcnasty]

haha yeah i didnt read the disclaimer

[Scarface]

Nice list.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ******. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

Ah , i love me mates.