discontent

[bob]

i haven't quite declared myself as being depressed yet... hopefully i won't make it that far...

i'm really in a stage where i need to perform some massive surgery on my life.

i'm declaring myself discontent. honestly, i can't make it through each day without daydreaming, or wishing that certain things could change...

i'm trying to push myself to find a place of my own, to live on my own.......... i really need to do that for myself... but i don't think my girlfriend's gonna be too happy with me doing this... speaking of her, my next problem... i know that mentally, i really can't handle having a girlfriend rite now... but i'm sofuckingcrazy about her, i'm pushing myself off the edge to hang on to this relationship... and my third problem, is my job... as much as i hate it and my co-workers, my boss(es), my hours, and the fact that i'm a compulsively derranged work-a-holic, ...i, for some reason am keeping this job... maybe cuz i'm afraid i won't find a better job out there, or maybe i'm just too lazy to work... but this job is tearing me apart, and i want out of it...

my main focus is finding a place to live on my own... but i can't seem to motivate myself to do some calling around, and see if i can find something i want, somewhere i want to be...

fuck... discontent...

i'm also really pissed at my mp3 playlist... i got like 200 songs on my HD that i'm listening to (my cd-rom is busted, so i can't listen to backed up stuff...), and i have maybe 4 songs that i want to hear, and i'm too much of a dumbass to just load those songs... so i'm sitting here skipping thru each song until i find 1... wtf? i want some really soft, melodic stuff rite now... all i'm getting is d&b, jungle, breaks, trance, and some alternative... argggggg...

i gotta get some coffee in me......

shit... that's another thing... i really wish i had more coffee friends... i can't seem to find many ppl my age that ENJOY sitting around, drowning in a cup of coffee... i've got 1 friend... and she's 22, 3 years older than me... that's how far i have to reach to find someone i can connect to on a cultural standpoint...

and i'm not talking about starbucks junkies...they're just victims of corporate-culturalism scemes... oh well, they got good coffee...

is anyone reading this far?


[ less type. more brew. ]

[stabmyhead]

quit your job, steal gf away, live in a trailer park, no grass. run beatnik coffee house. hit customers with broom. gf is unsuccessful artist. fuck. more fucking. then you die. and she die and the end. maybe more fucking.

seriously now. if things are so much stress... you should just.. let them go.. but i think its mostly in your head. i know you love to be depressed and whatnot.. and maybe you're just frustrated cuz lately you haven't been SOO depressed... at least not when i see you... i dunno. maybe youre just making something outta nothing. i mean finding a place of your own.. er.. didn't you trade that in for a PS2?!? geek...

gf... hmm.. cant really help you there.. but know she er... *shhhhhyyyyyyy* yeah. you know she l's you... and shes there for you.. even if you want her to back off... that reminds me of the tarot card i saw once on the fool.. where its a guy walking towards a cliff while his dog barks back at him.. kinda going for something blindly when you know what the end results will be... i dunno.... if that makes sense.. thats what i thought of when you said hanging on an edge.. then again it was always my sick dream to hold hands with someone and jump off a cliff.. haha.. or at least thats what i think when i hear hanging by a moment.. lala.

work... uh.. do you still want me to draw that uhhh.. MURAL for you? you deserve better work.. you're a smart guy.. maybe you can do some designing for websites and whatnot.. you're really good at that. i just remember you were so happy when you quit your job a while ago.. then you jumped through a window.. so.. er...

coffee friend? how come you never take me out for coffee you geek? i guess i like alcohol better than coffee... but i cant get drunk all the time.. so when i'm sobering up we'll go for coffee k?

uh... yeh. i'll see you tommorow. hope you are feeling a lil better. oh and btw.

you'll never be content with life and if you think in death you'll find contentment you're wrong. the only reason why some ppl live is to find this contentment. but its kinda like a lot of other emotions. it was always there but we'll never accept it to come so easily cuz we have this make believe world in our head that all things must come the hardway and if its there in the beginning its not real or something really worth striving for...

i am rambling and not making sense. would you like to buy some stupidity? i heard they sell them at kmart....

[bebe]

aww bob... it looks like that ur in that stage of life when u're sick of ur all too familiar life and want some drastic change, but too lazy/scared to actually do something abt it... like u said u hate ur job, but ur scared that u wont find a better one...
well i have to admit that if things keep going the way it is, u're gonna be pretty damn depressed...
so maybe this is a wake up call 4 ya to start taking some action. nuthing is gonna change if u dont put any effort in.
moving out is not easy... there r so many responsibilities... u gotta pay bills, cook, wash dishes, do laundry, pick up ur own mess, clean the house, vacuum.... and the list goes on...so make sure ur ready b4 u decide to actually move out...and if u think ur ready, then talk to ur gf and im sure she'll understand and help u through tough times...
and with ur gf... well being in a relationship doesnt have to be a chore or a pain in the ass...i think u guys just gotta communicate more... no.. dont get drunk and talk-doesnt work!! both of u have to sit down and open up and tell each other whats bothering u and try to solve those problems...and yes u'll probably think u'll just end up arguing and stuff, but just try and calm down and put ur ego/pride down and just open up and talk... communication and honesty are both very important in a relationship...and stop trying to piss each other off in purpose! dont say things just to intentionally hurt each other! yes i know its very easy to say shit u dont mean when ur argueing and when ur mad....just when ur starting to get pissed off, give each other a hug...and work things out!
and about ur job, well how abt u try to find another job, and dont quit ur current one until u have found one that u like....
then u wont have the chance of being unemployed and a broke ass...
well i hope u dont think im lecturing u or anything.... its just advice i guess.... well if u dont like what im saying, then just ignore me...
i hope what i said is helping... in watever aspect... just try and cheer up.. and have a nice cup of coffee :027:

~elmar

[wundergirl]

i just want to say that you are exceptionally lucky to have someone who seems to know you as well as leslie does.

that is all

[stabmyhead]

Happy Now?
(Gwen Stefani, Tom Dumont, Tony Kanal)

You had the best
But you gave her up
'Cause dependancy might interrupt
Idealistic will so hard to please
Put your indecisive mind at ease
You broke the set
Now there's only singles
There's no looking back
This time I mean it

Are you happy now?
How is it now?
Are you happy now?
Are you happy?

The uncertainty you had of me
Brought clouded shady company
The tenderness habitual
A seldom fading ritual
You killed the pair
Now only one is breathing
There's no looking back
This time I mean it

CHORUS

No more leaning on your shoulder
I won't be there, no more bother
If you feel you just might want me
That's too bad, I'm not that easy

The contemplator all those years
Now you must adhere
To your new career of liberation
You've been cast all by yourself
You're free at last
You broke the set
Now there's only singles
There's no looking back
This time I mean it

CHORUS

You're by yourself,
All by yourself
You have no one else,
You're by yourself