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Oct 21, 02
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Letting go....
As the days go by, so incredibly slowly and painfully, I find myself wondering why, WHY, if you love someone you're supposed to let them go...
If love is what love is supposed to be, then there should be no reason to let you love go. You should be able to resolve each other's demons, help each other out through tough times, and pull through without "letting go" at all. I guess in my case, I have to "let him go" because I want him to be happy...but then, if he was not happy, then was he ever in love? I wonder if he's 'letting me go' because he thinks he's doing me a favour, helping me find someone better than him. But I don't want that, I definitely don't want that...so why are we just 'letting go'? I honestly believe that if you love someone, you shouldn't let them go. It is a cop out of something that is too scary for you to stand...but if your love is strong enough, then 2 people can brave the scaryness together. I guess ours was just not strong enough. Sorry, I just had to let out at least a tiny bit of my mixed emotions right now. *Jen* 
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Oct 21, 02
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You let go of something usually due to insecurities. You don't think you're good enough for them, you don't think your feelings are mutual, you don't want to hurt them, you're scrared they'll hurt you, etc.
Let's face it, sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you just know it's not going to work, there's no sense in beating a dead horse, it's not going to one day miraciously come back to life. If something's "dead", it's not coming back... unless it's a zombie, which most times are what revived relationships are... mindless, self indulgent and hungry. Last edited by stabmyhead; Oct 21, 02 at 07:42 PM.
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Oct 21, 02
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yeah i agree with you
i havent let go of a long long time ago ex. i let go of him physically,but. emotionally, i just cant. i LOve him. and wow. i cant stop. i know we'll never be together. ever again. but....yeah. i am a weird person. i should maybe work on letting go....
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Oct 21, 02
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It'll probably take them longer to let go because their love was unrequainted... but they should learn to anyways.. You can't force emotions into someone. If you try, and you fail, you'll just end up feeling like shit, if you try, and you succeed.. you'll wonder why it's so fake, and you'll also end up feeling like shit.
Here's a question for ya Linds: Why can't you let go of him? Is it because you haven't found a suitable replacement yet? He's still in your life? Or something else. I mean, I'm sure they'll always have a place in your heart or whatnot, but you can't stay fixated on something that isn't there forever, it's good to reminice (sp?!) but an obsession is just too much (not saying that you are).
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Oct 21, 02
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oh oh im not obsessed. and there have been ppl since him, i just get sad and think "he was the one" when i get disappointed by others. and yeah. that is all.
i dont think about him often, but when i do i get sad and disappointed. i have tried to replace him but havent been able to find a suitable replacement. *sigh*
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Oct 22, 02
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Quote:
I think he has a lot of growing up to do..... We are not talking right now because he told a friend that he 'can't' be friends with me now.....I don't know why, and I wish he could.... *Jen*
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Oct 22, 02
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^^^
people change and that is the saddest thing about a relationship. i believe that i had fallen out of love with my last boyfriend and i even told him that when we broke up. and i do believe that letting him go was not the most positive decision, but it was not racked with negativity either. one thing to remember is that you shouldn't have regrets. sure you spent the last two years with him, as i did with my ex, but you need to learn to live on your own. to sleep alone. to wake up alone. it is possible. and once you have regained your independence, then you will find the strength to face your fears. you cannot expect a friendship from him right away. that will only cause both of you pain. just let him live his own life and hopefully *fingers crossed* your paths will cross again one day soon :) *huggles* nathaniel kristofer
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Oct 22, 02
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I know....but I refuse to believe that he would lie about loving me still....I saw it in his eyes, I heard it in his voice....and I felt it with his tears. I just wish he wouldn't be so scared of loving me....I wish he wouldn't care so much about having fun, drinking and doing drugs with his friends....being young....and I wish he would grow up and realize....realize how lucky we were to have each other.
Nathaniel, would you have lied about still loving him at the end, just to make him feel better? I really don't think he lied about it...10 minutes before we broke up...(this is the hardest part for me to understand)...we were sitting on the couch, and he was holding me...and he kissed me on the top of my head and told me he loved me so much....then we were eating popsicles and he placed it on my lips....and then he kissed it off.....we were so happy....and then some girl called who he had met at the Mirage the night before and he said he had been so drunk (he spent over $50 on booze) that he had given his number to her and he didn't know why....and then after tears, it was over.... If I had known that when he left....when he hugged me soooo tight with tears dripping down his face and kissed me with so much emotion....that those would have been our last few moments together, I would have savoured it...treasured it....but at the time, I was in such a daze that I didn't even realize what was going on. *Jen*
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Oct 22, 02
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^^^^
jen, it's not about lying though. it's about something inside of him making him believe that he didn't love you anymore. it's like a fucked-up coping mechinism. when i told my ex that i had stopped loving him, i believed it to be true, and it took about a month for me to realize the mistake that i had made. there is a chance that he had stopped loving you but i feel that there is a much stronger chance that he hasn't. a relationship falling apart sends mixed emotions through everyone involved. it is a complete time of confusion. i'm still piecing together what happened the night my relationship ended and that was nine months ago *huggles*
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Oct 22, 02
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sometimes love just isn't enough.
I'm sure I heard that quote somewhere some place, but the thought makes sense... you can love some one, but loving doesn't do much if you aren't willing to put in what's necessary for things to work out. Sometimes two people can be in love with each other, but still decide not to pursue a relationship, because they just aren't "ready" whether it be their differeing priorities in life, financial situation, or emotional unreadiness.. some people ask for things that they aren't even prepared for, or want things that they can't handle. Many people want to find their "true love" but it's only another selfish want. You can want many things but you have to be willing to work for it and put in your half. And only when they have dragged the other person so far into their life, does the all-too-perfect time come when they realize that they don't have time for a relationship... it sounds selfish because it is. When some one claims a position in a relationship they tend to think that filling that physical space will be enough. And sometimes when they fall harder they realize that they got themselves into something that requires more. Loving some one is the easy part, sometimes we love and deny, sometimes we love and accept. The hardest parts are the complexities that comes with bringing two lives together... trying to make things fit... it's too bad that his priorities swing towards something that only seems to be a temporary high in life...
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Oct 22, 02
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Linds, I think you need to stop comparing your ex to all the guys you meet, it's just making it harder for you to let go because you can't ungrasp the idea of meeting a guy that isn't like him... or so it seems.
Yoko knows the score. A lot of times people say they want to find love, and then when it comes knocking on their door, they are unprepared and unsure what to do with it. Personally, I think it's wanting what you don't have, what you think is unattainable. And when it comes to you so easily, prepackaged and straight to your door, you wonder, HEY, WHAT'S THE CATCH?? I used to be a firm believer that you have to work with time, energy and patience to attain love, it doesn't come easy, it's deep, complex and time consuming.... although lately I've been leaning more towards the idea that it CAN be simplistic, and easy... But hey, if it comes so easily, there's no way it can be love right?! I'm slightly off topic.... There are many different possibilities, the right people in love at the wrong time, the wrong people in love at the right time, two people that really love each other that can't stand to be together, etc. There seems to be a recent outburst of long term relationship couples breaking up... I won't mention any names though... Off topic again. As for him telling you he doesn't love you, this is what I think. You said he got drunk and gave some girl his number, maybe he feels that it's unfaithful to you, that it is unworthy of the relationship, that everytime he thinks about it, is reminded of it, it hurts him so much that he could do that to you.... so he decides to run away, thinking by doing that, he'll save you the pain, or whatever, so you can move on to someone better, that will treat you the way he did before. He's trying to protect you both, it may seem selfish to you at the moment, but maybe one day you'll see it the way he does. It's hard to let someone go, especially over being together for sucha long time. They become sucha large part of your life that when they're not there, you lose the routine, and excessive amounts of time that you don't even know what to do with. Really, when he tells you he doesn't love you, I don't believe it. I can say right now that I don't know him at all, but I highly doubt he can honestly say that he doesn't love you. He just doesn't have his priorities set straight, him saying that he doesn't love you is just him trying to convince you to move on, and for the pain to not hurt so much. When you dissociate yourself from something/someone it makes it easiar to cut yourself off from them.... that's also probably why he isn't talking to you right now. Do you know how much it'll hurt? It's like seeing someone you care deeply about but knowing you just can't run up to them and hug them, or talking to them and knowing you can't say what you used to.... things just won't ever be the same...
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Oct 22, 02
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Quote:
Just to clarify though, I don't think I said that he said he didn't love me...because he didn't. He told me he loved me soooo much, he couldn't explain it. I just THINK that he doesn't love or care for me anymore...that he's having such a great time being single, living the life, hitting on girls at the club, drinking himself stupid, etc. I think that in my mind I made up a different, evil person than the person I fell in love with to make it easier on me. Like I said, I refuse to believe that he does not love me anymore because I think it is impossible to be with someone everyday for so long and not have anything but love for them. He called my best friend today and asked her how I'm doing...she said "well, not so well" and he replied "so I guess probably about how I'm doing". He told her to tell me he says hi and thanks for the Spooky ticket...and told her that the reason he broke up with me is because we fought too much and it got to be too much.... *Jen* p.s. Stabmyhead....your input made my day....Made the tears stop and the wheels turn.....
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Oct 22, 02
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People don't fall in love with real people.
They fall in love with what they think a person is.
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Oct 22, 02
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I miss him so much....
People say that time heals everything, but as each day slowly goes by, it just gets harder and harder for me.... You know...I wake up each morning and wish I were asleep again or in some other subconscious. I close my eyes and I see him, and I want to touch him and kiss him. I'm not crazy OK, it's just that after being with someone for awhile, I learned every curve or shape of his face, every little detail (kind of like how blind people feel faces). I just want to be with him. I know...I know that this is more than a highschool romance....you know when you just know? It's not that I just think I know...I know. But I guess if we're meant to be together, time will tell us.....we have a big huge future infront of us. It's just the waiting that's killing me. Sorry if I'm ranting like a lunatic in this post....this is my 'heart to heart'.....typing out my feelings is a way to express them..... *Jen*
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Oct 22, 02
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He told me he loved me soooo much, he couldn't explain it.
I think the part he can't explain is WHY he is doing these things to you when he loves you so much. If you loved someone so much you wouldn't give other girl your numbers, you would have your responsibilities and priorities set straight, correct? Maybe that's what he can't understand.. how he can be hurting the one he loves. Time doesn't heal wounds, it just let's you grow more accustomed to it. It's like all wounds, once you get them, they hurt, they bleed, pour salt on it and you'll increase the pain, but if you don't pick at it and let it heal, then you'll be alright in the long run... Pick at it too much and you'll be left with a scar, something to remind you of what caused the scar.... Although some wounds are too great to not leave scars... Do you get what I'm saying here? I'm probably a hypocrite but, don't pick your wounds, don't pour salt on them, it increase the healing time, complicates things. Just let it be.... for the time being at least... and someday, you won't even notice it being there.... I'm not saying forget about him, but don't get too wrapped in it, with your excess time, focus on something else. I started to work on my website/writing and art, and I can honestly say I never had that much modivation and time to ponder things and outlash in a "creative" way. The stuff people write when they're down in the gutters, I swear, is the best stuff, expressive wise because they just let it flow.
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Oct 22, 02
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Btw, you can't spend your days and nights thinking about him, dreaming about him, day dreaming about him... well you can, but it'll not make things any better and might drive you slightly nuts for a while..... I understand for the first few days/weeks... but soon enough you get sick of thinking about him, you get sick of complaining to your friends about it. I know what it is....
You wake up in the morning, you wish you could go back to sleep, because maybe you'll wake up and they'll be there, or you would sleep and not have to deal with the reality that seems like a void without him. You've been with him for so long that life without him would not seem like a life at all.... Maybe it's time to grow more independent... I know right now, probably all you want to do is dwell on it, think about it... wish for it, hope for it... but believe me, things will get better.... and soon you'll catch yourself smiling again. The days just feel like they're getting harder because you are becoming more and more aware of the change, you're mind wonders where he is, why he isn't there holding you, and then you remember that him and you aren't together anymore.... I do believe that cold slap of reality is what stings the most. But the more you become aware of it, the more you can do to change it, adapt to it... And you will. Download: I will survive. Sing it in the shower, pretend your shower head is the mic and sing as loud as you can. God, I feel like an inspirational speaker... heh.
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Oct 23, 02
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I think letting go of anything that you love, whether it be a friend, a family member, or significant other, is hard.
But the decision to let go of someone, I think, falls on the fact that you're not happy. Something is obviously wrong with the picture, right? Either you're pretty much torturing yourself in trying to make a *dead* situation [re: Stabby's post] into a real one again, OR the other person is telling you that their love for you has suddenly changed. If you're letting go, it's your subconscious telling you something... "I wanna better life than this" If you're being let go, eventually over time, it'll be saying.. "Let it go... it's time to start again" Life will tease you this way. It's sad, but true :soak:
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Oct 23, 02
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Quote:
*Jen*
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Oct 24, 02
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Jen, he loves you.
He really really really really loves you, and I know it. He's just a scared boy and he feels guilty because his eyes may have wandered one night when he was hammered. Give it time, he'll realize he made a mistake. The only question is, will you have moved on by then? I'll talk to him and see what's up if you want...I just feel really bad that this is happening *hug* He is SO much like his damn best friend. It's like deja-vu to me!
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