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Nov 21, 02
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I need to grow up.
everything thats happened to me in the past couple of years just kinda hit me today as i sat and listened about such a wonderful person who was brutally murdered...
and i decided that i need to do something with my life... if i die today what are people gonna say: well she was a raver... she had a car... she actually did graduate from highschoool....ummm....... i mean...i dont know...i just feel like i need to start accomplishing stuff. im sick of drugs... im sick of working dead end jobs... im sick of my life having no meaning im sick of being lonely. im sick of everything. meh i dunno......i just want to get on with my life lately. i've been graduated for almost four years now and i have accomplished absolutely nothing thats not what i had in mind years ago when i looked down the road... i saw myself at carlton, or mcgill... i saw myself almost graduated...starting a cool career...travelling.... etc etc.. fuck this shit. 
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Nov 22, 02
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Life rarely turns the way you had hoped or planned - when I was in my late teens I thought that by this time in my life I'd be married, have a good job/career in the business world, prob. a child or just gearing up to start a family, home with a white picket fence, blah blah blah. Instead I'm perpetually single, good job although I don't know if I would define it as a 'career', if I've started a family then whoever it was with hasn't tracked me down yet, and live with my cat in a one bedroom apartment.
Yeah, some parts of my life suck but others are just fine - part of what I realized over time is that I wanted a lot of these things so I could think of myself as 'successful', but I never really thought about what would make me happy. If I died today, what would they say about me? Well, I don't know for sure, but I would like to think that they (whoever 'they' are) would say that I was always there for my friends, both in times of joy and sorrow, that I always tried to do my best, not only in what I did but in my actions towards others, and that I lived life on my own terms never comprimising my happiness for some undefined 'ideal'. I think that's the real mark of what we leave behind, not where we went or how we earned our daily bread. That said, if you have a passion for something you should try and find a way to gravitate towards it, even if its only a little step for now. There's no point to being miserable but don't set out goals that are impossible to meet or you'll get even more down about yourself. I used to have a friend who always wanted to get into the music business, not as an artist but the business end of it - I would tell her that if she is that passionate about it, to get a job a music store until she could attend school. At least she would learn a little about what she was so impassioned about - music stores always have label reps coming in to check up on things, she could even develop good contacts for use after her schooling. Its not reaching your goal in a day, but taking that first baby step towards it that can also help you from psychologically going off the deep end. Hope this makes some kind of sense...I know I've rambled a little bit (a lot?)...but yeah, most people's lives don't turn out the way they planned or expected...that doesn't mean those lives are bad, just...different. And many whose lives do turn out as they had expected find they never planned on being happy... Cheers...
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Nov 22, 02
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Remember that whatever you have done in the passed few years are experiences and life experiences count quite a bit. Think of others who haven't had the chance to explore other bits of life like you have. Remember that these years have only been a few years, and you have a lifetime to live, however long that might be. I know everyone has a plan for after highschool, and things don't always work out the way as planned(rarely ever, actually) but that's what makes life more exciting. You may look at an aquaintance from highschool who is almost finished highschool and think: "THEY did what they had planned to do. Why didn't I?" But honestly, things probably didn't go exactly as planned. Maybe they are feeling the same way as you, except they're wishing that they had waited a bit before going to school so they could experience some other things that life offers. Whatever you do, don't feel bad about your past. Regrets don't help anything "do not regret the things you've done, but those you did not do"...You still have time for school and future.
Growing up is exactly what you're doing. Everyday you're maturing and growing. Learning new things that will help you in your future. Think about what you knew in highschool, compared to what you know now:). Everyday in life is a new growing experience that will fulfill you in the end. ok. so you've been graduated for four years now. You HAVE accomplished stuff. You've took a road trip halfway across the country. You partied it up with the best of us. You've gone to sooo many concerts. You've worked. You've gone to school and realized it wasn't the area you wanted to accelerate in. You've done so much stuff. That is NOT nothing. ok. so coffee tonite would have been exciting with me. HYPER ME and my super ramblings. Hopefully I've made you feel better about things though. That's what I'm trying to do because this is the way it is. Hope my words make sense to you. And just think. by this time next year, you'll be in TO:D
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Nov 22, 02
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What you are experiencing some people call a reality check.
IMO, you have reached apoint where your eyes are finally opening and you see the world differently that you did 24 hours ago. You see yourself, you see the possibilities and potential but at the same time you don't see the answers. I understand your position as I have been there. I have also 'seen the light' or experienced the one moment where it all makes some sense and I have an idea as to what direction I should go. I hope you reach this point too. I had formulated a life plan but the world changed faster than I anticipated. Now I am in a holding pattern, spinning my wheels and living life a bit until I feel everything is in a proper place and I will try again to move forward with my life. All I can suggest is that if have an oppourtunity to do something, then grasp it as it might never come again. You are young and have the luxury of youth to make some poor decisions and have time to make up for them. Five years from now you will look back at oppourtunities lost and wish that you can take advantage of them now. These could be as simple as having a coffee with a friend, taking that trip to see the Pyramids to finding the courage to let go of your ego and say those things you always wanted to say to your family. My advice is to not regret what has not been done in the past and look forward and focus on doing something with your life. If you don't start now, 365 days from now this will all be repeated. Yes... a loss of someone you know has an impact in your life. Take the thoughts that you have and do something with them. I am sure if that person who passed away can see that their passing changed you to be a better person than their life was not lost in vain.
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Nov 22, 02
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dont beat urself up over spilled milk cuz it can be cleaned up right?
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Nov 22, 02
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this is all helping,
i dont know....i just wasnt having a very good day yesterday.....i wasnt thinking clearly...i was quite upset about many things. i woke up this morning feeling better...becuase i know now that im going to be doing things different...i'm not going to take everything for granted...im going to start doing things that i've always wanted to do. i dont regret anything that i've done in my life so far...i've done all those things for a reason...and i've learned to deal with any consequences that have come from them....somehow all those things have added to who i am today...and im ok with that... i just wish that i had done some things a little different.i just wish i had done some things. but that was the past and i realize i cant go back and redo or undo any of those things. from now on im looking ahead... i know what i want to do fer the next couple of years...and im not gonna just sit here and talk about it...im actually gonna go out and do it. i want to move to toronto, i want to go to school, i want a new job, i want a lot of things right now...and im gonna go after those things. thank you fer listening guys.
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Nov 22, 02
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i realized i had to grow up after i graduated highschool
john 2899131
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Nov 22, 02
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ummm... wow, I've been wanting to do somethign with my life for like ever but i have to get older before I can do that... so yeha.. merrrr to that!!!
but just wait.. we got till april cause thats when the real shit starts happening :D
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Nov 22, 02
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*ahem*
Hello, I've been trying to get a job for how long? you try getting one out here, then tell me to get one :soak: But yeah, I'm saving when I can, which is fucking tough! bUt I'm going to look for place in a week.. *giggles*
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Nov 22, 02
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Gee, thanks...lol (from someone who's already past the big three-oh...and just a couple or so months away from the big three-two)...
Quote:
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Nov 22, 02
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the only person you can blame is yourself
i mean, if you REALLY wanted to do all those things you planned for, you would be doing them right now. i don't know how it is for you, but when there's a goal i have, i usually go for it and *try* not to let anything get in the way....that's what a goal is for right? :)
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