a christmas present to all the openminded men i know

[impure]

my pal mick sent me this yesterday
i laughed so hard i was crying....

> >
> > ***
> > Men suck at eating pussy
> >
> > Not because they don't like it but because it's really fucking
hard.
> > You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about
> > everything in life (including getting good head later on), so it's
> > time we broke it down. Like this. The secret to giving good head is
to
> > read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world,
> > but if you can't read the emotional road signs, you're going to end
up
> > wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually,
you
> > drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your
face.
> >
> > Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, "although I am
about
> > to rock your insides with 3 000 lbs. of explosives, here's a little
> > intimate treat session to show you how I really feel." Instead of a
> > screaming "OH MY GOD!!" like her baby has been trapped under a car
> > (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more
> > splendiferous "ooohmygodohmygodohmygod." Kind of like being
massaged
> > with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange
(that's
> > French for "eat," you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays
or
> > a "Calgon, take me away" ad. Break it down!
> >
> > 1. BE DOWN
> > Don't go down unless you're down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can
> > never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don't want to will only
> > bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of
> > stupid mistakes get forgiven.
> >
> > 2. DON'T SAY HI TO DRY
> > A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush,
go
> > back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you
> > actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets
> > trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all
that's
> > needed to get the honey dripping. Once you're sure the beaver is
wet,
> > give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There's
nothing
> > worse than rushing into this, so make sure she's really begging for
it
> > before you get under the covers.
> >
> > Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of
you
> > can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws.
> >
> > Important: Don't play your trump card too soon by putting your
fingers
> > all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration
and
> > kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a woman's
pleasure
> > is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the
fire.
> >
> > 3. SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY
> > Once she's lathered up, it's time to go down. Get your fingers out
of
> > there and don't touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of
> > grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you're going away
on
> > vacation.
> >
> > Though it's very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets
over
> > your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad
> > idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your
> > head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty
much
> > going to kill the mood. Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and
> > slowly working your way down. Don't get carried away with those
stupid
> > tits, though. That's something you should have taken care of before
> > the pants even came off. Right now it's all about the stomach and
> > inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure
winner
> > is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow,
> > shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt,
> > then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this
a
> > few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of
pussy-eating
> > time in the long run.
> >
> > When you're just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on
that
> > weird crevice next to the lips. Don't spend too long there or she
> > might start to think that you think that's the actual cunt. By now
she
> > should be dying for you to make your move. If you're doing it
right,
> > she'll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs.
> > Stretch this phase out until she looks like she's been holding her
> > breath for three days. Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about
five
> > seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she
might
> > think you're having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of
course,
> > we all knows that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of
steamin'
> > crawdaddies. Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever.
If
> > this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to
jerking
> > off.
> >
> > 4. PARTING THE RED SEAS
> > Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what
the
> > Cavity Creeps are to dental hygiene. You're never going to be able
to
> > identify all the parts if she looks like that PIL album That What
is
> > Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her
pussy
> > is all set up for you like a great big buffet.
> >
> > 5. THE GRAND ENTRANCE
> > Do your first lick super slow. It's good to groan and moan too. It
> > shows you're digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic
> > vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take
it
> > all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these "St. Bernard
licks"
> > before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick).
> > This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If
it's
> > real sensitive she'll probably convulse as you pass over it and
that
> > means you're probably in for an easy ride. If there's no reaction
when
> > you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless
> > little pea clits and you're in for a thirty-minute session of
> > tongue-tendinitis.
> >
> > 6. ROCK THE BOAT
> > Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag.
If
> > you're getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the
clit.
> > Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her
uncomfortable
> > and show the little bastard who's boss. After all, Mr. Elusive is
> > precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He's surrounded by
> > labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him
over
> > to the side. All of a sudden you're giving the pee hole the seeing
to
> > of its life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of ear lobes.
> > When you push down on the area he's the only one that can't be
> > squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for
> > reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus
all
> > your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him
a
> > bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give
him
> > a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad
> > attitude later. Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the
> > clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from
> > the lips. The man in the Boat should feel the texture of the entire
> > tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.
> >
> > 7. IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE
> > After the slow licks it's time to get this party started. There are
> > essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going
over
> > and ones that don't. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch
penis
> > and you should dump her right away.
> >
> > Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but
that
> > doesn't really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow
and
> > soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast
at
> > the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach
but
> > just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means
take
> > it ease and "Oh my God" means bring it on.
> >
> > 8. a) CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER
> > These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your
> > tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your
partner.
> > Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into
> > your mouth. Now he's on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an
> > air-tight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger
upside
> > the head with one big tongue bonk. He's not going to tell you shit
> > because he's a clit and he has no idea what you're talking about,
but
> > kick his ass anyway. After a few teasers and swirling circles,
> > rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If
she
> > starts freaking out like it's too much, ease up on the
interrogation
> > and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to
> > bring her to orgasm, but it's a bit much sometimes, so mix things
up
> > with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.
> >
> > As you're closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give
the
> > suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the
> > most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in
a
> > few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake,
this
> > is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You're almost home and
this
> > is not the time to start changing tactics.
> >
> > Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your
> > head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac
Indian
> > (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action
may
> > throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few
> > minutes, which is bad for morale.
> >
> > Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember,
it
> > isn't over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If
> > she's multi-orgasmic you'll have to keep going until you've done
the
> > whole routine another four or five times. If you're not sure what
to
> > do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to
pull
> > you off.
> >
> > 8. b) CLITS THAT DON'T
> > Some clits don't want to be singled out and battered around. These
are
> > the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do
> > casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you're
> > getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A
> > good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the
> > alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half
an
> > hour here pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long
> > and she doesn't cum, you're going to be in a foul mood, so if it's
too
> > much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is
> > something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will
> > lead to some payback when period week comes around.
> >
> > 9. THE CONCLUSION
> > Once you're done (totally finished) she's going to want you out of
> > there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of
leaving,
> > stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy
> > carpet. Make sure you don't move it or anything because that can
> > actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for
> > about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a
pirate.
> > You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from
the
> > quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an
F-15.
> >
> > Copyright 2002
> >
> > OnlineSexGuides.com
> >
>

[Only_Glory]

Originally Posted by impure

If there's no reaction
when
> > you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless
> > little pea clits and you're in for a thirty-minute session of
> > tongue-tendinitis

hahaha oh my i laughed a lot, but this part killed me! those thirty minute nerveless clit sessions are horrible

[Goat]

Highlights...

Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever.
If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to
jerking off.

Slap the little bugger
upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He's not going to tell you shit because he's a clit and he has no idea what you're talking about,
but kick his ass anyway.

stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy
carpet. Make sure you don't move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like apirate.

^my favourite.
Argh, matey!

[-ff-]

Isn't that from an old issue of Vice?


Does Vice even still exist?

[mystique]

ROFL
classic!

[lola_phyne]

BAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHA.. *choke* AHHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

[mojo]

Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your
> > head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac
Indian
> > (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya).


fuck, this made me laugh nicely.

good read.

[ChainLinkBoy]

nice!

Lol

It's true!! The thighs DO quiver!

[zarlon]

wouldnt be so gross if it wasnt coming from you

[galaxie]

haha!
humorous AND informative

BOYS - READ THIS CAREFULLY :P

[MistressSpankME]

I thank the clit gods every day that my man doesn't need to do any instructional reading concerning this activity!

[dragon boi]

damn that was a long read

good to know

[mapleleaf4ever]

stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy
> > carpet. Make sure you don't move it or anything because that can
> > actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for
> > about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a
pirate.

hahahahahah I agree with Max, this last bit made me laugh the most.