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Feb 24, 05
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Regrets
Lately I can't help but have so many regrets of stupid things i've done in the past.... especially last year. I feel like i've said some really harmful things, done really disrespectful deeds, and in all it has led me to feel like i've got ALOT of unresolved issues that needs to be addressed.
I don't know what the fuck was up with me in 2004 but I definetly experienced some serious manic attacks. I felt like I had some sort of power guiding me that got me in this phase where this strange ego just got to my head. I think temporarily quitting smokin weed got me going crazy. I remember feeling so refreshed in my head, so much smarter, less lazy, and i actually wanted to get out and be more active. At the time this phase definetly seemed like a good thing. But I started saying some really stupid things that took me months to realize how fucking retarded I was. I started getting quite aggressive with people who annoyed me in certain ways, started off verbally (like swearing at old people.... wtf) then progressed into scrapping alot. After I got my ass seriously beat down by 5 bouncers while i was causing shit when i was hammered off my ass, this whole manic phase just died down into a deep depression, where i finally realized all the stupid things i did till that point. I didn't want to leave the house, didn't want to see anyone. I felt so embarassed and ashamed. I finally got over it, and once school started again in september, i promised myself not to go into these manic phases again. That semester i guess got my priorities straight, studied hard, met some quality girls. But then i can't deny my stupid ego getting to my head once i was doing things really well again. I recall gloating alot about my grades, the girls, spinning.... so right now since the new year, i can't deny that i'm actually scared to hit my actual potential without clouding my head with smoking copious amount of marijuana. This really annoying side of me comes out when i'm really living it up. The regrets i end up having are just not worth it... I know i'm not perfect but this is one flaw in me that has gotten me in serious trouble... I hope this is the last intervention and i can constantly be concious of balancing my psychological state with my daily life. It's tough... i feel like a two faced asshole. One side of me is compassionate when i have no reason to be cocky, the other side is just straight up fucking cocky. there are a couple of people on this board i've provoked ina very negative tone totally unnecesarily. and there any many others including my closest friends. there are people who deserved what they got and i have no regrets starting some beef, but in all, it's just stupid and immature. if i can't fight this side of me, i'm gonna consider talking to a psychiatrist. It's pretty harmful to me socially and for business. has anyone else experienced the same condition i've described? i believe it correlates with bi polar disorder and manic depression. I don't think i'm at the point whre i'll need meds since i'm now very concious of this problem and i want to fix it myself. but where i'm going to draw the line is near. 
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Feb 24, 05
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When in doubt, professional help is always a good idea. :)
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Feb 24, 05
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^ that would be ironic ( well which is thep oint obviously)
i would suggest talking to someone if you really feel you need professional advice; but be warned, a lot of psychiatrists and people in similar professions are mainly interested in medicating as a rule, and that can change who you are completely. maybe talking will help and finding ways to minimize the regret and insanity you feel at times, because really harm reduction is what its all about, not clouding by medication
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Feb 24, 05
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well i'm now conciouss that this condition is seen as a psychological diesease. I used to blame it on laziness, and how my lack of consistancy to stay constantly focussed on the job at hand was the actual problem. i've been an honour student most of time but it really was owed to my crazy streaks... which if i was able to keep up, i definetly would of been an honours with distinction student.
i wonder how people are actually able to constantly perform at high levels every darn day of the year. the way ive been doing things, i really worry about my future when i gotta perform my job at acceptable levels all the time. my stamina to work hard has never really been consistant. Ive always had amazing streaks of really efficient work productivity, then i sort of burn out for a couple of months (which has fucked me over so many times) then back into high efficiency after a huge wake up call.... and i've been experiencing some manic symptoms during these periods lately. like a desperation to recoup and climb out of my hole as soon as possible has nobody ever experienced this cylce??
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Feb 24, 05
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hang in there bro... take it one day at a time... focus on your daily goals.. .. aim low at first.. build up your confidence again... realize that your can do anything you put your mind to... once you accomplish your daily goals start aimng for weelky things and then by the month.. if your in school right now.. then get the best marks you can... thats one thing that i regret doing in high school.. if i could go back i would study harder and goof off less....
keep track of what you need to do with your self... write it down on a post it note so you can read it every time you enter a certain room... ... thats all i can say... im not sure if it will help at all lately i went through some hard times.. lots of people have helped me so im just trying to help others to peace out
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Feb 24, 05
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K-pryde, I have to say you've hit something on this thread. While dope make you more content, it's fucking with me.
Only in the last week have a really fully understood what dope does to me. I've smoked heavily on and off for years now, and it seems to me that every time I start hitting the bong on a regular basis, I start feeling like shit - and I don't mean physically. By dulling my ability to speak, to think and really, to care, my confidence is hurt big time. I never thought I relied so heavily on my intellect to support my confidence, but as it is, I do. I've been smoking for the last couple weeks again - I've barely contributed in class, I almost shit myself in a presentation I gave (very un-like me), and my supervisor's advice isn't sticking. And I feel like shit about all of the above, to the point where I think my life licks. It's not the first time this has happened. Its a reoccuring theme in my 20s, and as much as I want to be able to balance dope smoking with life, it's not working for me. *edit* and look what's in my hand in my fnk avatar.....
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Feb 24, 05
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Quote:
and how you mention about relying on your intellect for confidence, thats definetly a big pressure i get from the people i'm surrounded with. when i'm not happy with how i'm doing in school, it kills a huge part of my confidence no doubt. always has.... i can remember all the way back to grade 9 and onwards. the pressure to be on top of things. ugh.... when i don't hit the buds, my efficiency level rises so high that i just go nuts. i totally forget wtf mania is and just go on a ride... ending up doing stupid shit. i wanna stop smokin and just play the game without so many airballs.
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