horrible news

[mugsy]

in the midst of all the positive news my family has received concerning my dads illness, a fucking atomic bomb of "fuck you" was dropped today.
the oncologist said that because the tumors are not shrinking (they have not grown or spread and do not really affect his day to day activities other then some shortness of breathe and some pain) that its time to stop treatment all together and start "living out the end". my dad got reallllllllly angry as he just went to maui with my mom and couldnt go into the water (he loves snorkeling) because he still had his pic line in. (its like a permenant i.v. that goes directly to the heart so anything bad near it is a big no-no) he was wondering why they wouldnt remove it before he left as they would have already known what they were going to do then.
so the oncologist says well we'll give you two more treatments, then from there we might just give you treatments once a month, but you should really take a look into your quality of life. isnt this something that my dad would already have\be looking into? wouldnt this thought have already crossed his mind?
granted, im probably being extremely stubborn due to emotional reasons, but whose to say my dad doesnt want to continue treatment?
as it is, ive been doing some searching for natural treatments and so has my mom and my dad is already in the processes (as of today) in both researching and registering for trial treatments. but being a part of trial treatments can be like winning the lottery - there can be alot of restrictions.

i guess this was the first full on big blow since the day my parents came home from the hospital and told me. its like i was told all over again. he doesnt look sick, he doesnt act sick so i just cant comprehend why anyone would ever want to give up. why would anyone want to give up an any other human being? eveyrone is someones dad, brother, sister, mom, daughter.... ect.ect. why would anyone just give up when it seems so positive?
im not a doctor, and things are not always black and white, but its just really fucking hard to not think that more treatment could help my dad.
but im being selfish. im wanting more time rather then better times.
i just feel like crying and screaming at the same time all over again.