Dear Friend Alcohol

[Spoon]

Dear Alcohol:

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden
inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear
from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that
I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some
stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a
few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think
you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.

4. Passive agressiveness: I really resent the sarcasm and name calling,
Especially when you say it to the big guy sitting in the seat in front of me at
the ball game. Are you trying to tell me I need to go to the gym more often?
Lifting beer after beer does not make me able to take down the no-neck wrestler or the police riot response squad

5. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery
may be in order, but the 3 pm hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable! My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when
I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3 pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you, Your biggest fan

SPOON

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Arraignment

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Onomanapeia (especially without giggling)
5. Thank-you for your concern for my safety, officer.

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, sargeant. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
6. Sorry, I don't do foreign accents or impressions

[LeeBrat]

haha, good read =)

[lola_phyne]

yeah good read. but it was cuter when veni made a dear alcohol thread.

[Sniper]

Funny.......I must agree it was a pretty good read

[~Sc@ndelu$~]

haha good job!

a hard word that i seem to have problems with is "peculiarly" i may have spelled that wrong though.

[Lady Dame]

i cant pronounce the hard words to say sober!

[FeelGood]

Wow, a post on FNK that was worth my time. Hands down!!!

[ty_guy]

Originally Posted by Angel

i cant pronounce the hard words to say sober!

i'm with you on this one^^^^. haha that was awsome. i'll test out some of those words next time i'm out.:083:

[fantasy20]

[quote=Spoon]Dear Alcohol:

?



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
.
4. Good evening, sargeant. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

ummm all this was true but this one...lol i can see myself all pissed drunk saying that to a sargent...damm rights its lovely outside..lol as i stumble to the floor...hahahaha

[mapleleaf4ever]

Originally Posted by ~Sc@ndelu$~

haha good job!

a hard word that i seem to have problems with is "peculiarly" i may have spelled that wrong though.

#$%!&%#!!! I just said it perfectly and you weren't there to hear it... just my struggle when I was sober.

[decypher]

Aww shit i forgot how much i love talking in accents when im loaded. It's gonna happen very soon.

[Silverwinged]

Originally Posted by decypher

Aww shit i forgot how much i love talking in accents when im loaded. It's gonna happen very soon.

agreed.
kam, lets drink whiskey soon.

[mapleleaf4ever]

Originally Posted by decypher

Aww shit i forgot how much i love talking in accents when im loaded. It's gonna happen very soon.

I know! I go in stages... starts in Scottish and then ends up in German with no English words...

[ebbomega]

Dear Spoon,

STFU and drink.

Yours,
Alcohol.

[crookedking]

don't blame alcohol for your short comings!

[Grapes]

Dry for 10 days.

AND COUNTING.

:-|

[RDS]

All I can say is damn that was golden ,,:388: