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| Coffee Lounge Talk amongst other community members. |
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Jan 25, 05
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Chinese guys: thanks for the release, we are running a $5.99 special on the buffet next week. And for you, dinner which includes our succulent seafood at lunch price and one free softdrink with free refills.
Guy in the hood: "Sorry but I'm busy next week, ya know there is an election coming up and I really wanna f*ck sh1t up... you know how we do it round here man! Besides, you know Halim Jefar Abdul is, he want us to plant bombs all day long, thanks to the work ethics you've preached to him. Besides, yall eat too much pork!" Chinese guy:"Word up man, Im feeling ya dawgg.... Say yo, is da great wall that way? Word.... its hella far, im gonna have to bounce and start stepping so I can get home and start the procreating, you know how we chinese like to keep em hos in check ... SO PEACE!". Guy in the hood:"Mad love, precaite em' tips on procreating, I'd be testing it out tonite! Thats one way to make more Shahibs.! 
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Jan 25, 05
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Chinese guy in black looking kinda doubtful shaking hand: "So we can just walk away?"
Insurgent in hood : "Yup, you are all free as a bird, FREE AS A BIRD..." Chinese guy in gray suit :" Guys, time to pull out you secret shaolin 3 step spinning lotus palm technique from the grand master, im pretty sure these fools goona shoot us in the back! " Chinese guy behind him: "Damn!!! I knew I shouldda practiced kung fu instead of playing Ma Jiang and going ot the "Massage" parlor, Ill just have to fake it, and hope they dont hit me.
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Jan 25, 05
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Why I Fired My Secretary
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked.
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Jan 25, 05
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How to SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is a BABE or a CHICK. - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. 2. She is a SCREAMER or MOANER. - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. 3. She is EASY. - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 4. She is DUMB. - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. 5. She has BEEN AROUND. - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 6. She is an AIRHEAD. - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. 7. She does get DRUNK or TIPSY. - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. 8. She does have BREAST IMPLANTS. - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. 9. She does NAG YOU. - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. 10. She is a SLUT. - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. 11. She does have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS. - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. 12. She is a TWO-BIT WHORE. - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does have a BEER GUT. - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. 2. He is a BAD DANCER. - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. 3. He does GET LOST ALL THE TIME. - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. 4. He is BALDING. - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. 5. He is a CRADLE ROBBER. - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. 6. He does get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK. - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. 7. He does act like a TOTAL ASS. - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION. 8. He is a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG. - He has SWINE EMPATHY. 9. He is afraid of COMMITMENT. - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED. 10. He is HORNY. - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. 11. It's his CRACK you see hanging out of his pants..... - It's REAR CLEAVAGE.
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Jan 25, 05
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The Language of Corporate America
To understand corporate America, we must understand the language of the workplace... Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. Elvis Year: The peak year of something's or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993." Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists." Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Tom, he's the alpha geek around here." Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence. Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia. Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, sh-ts over everything and then leaves. Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also: Decruitment.
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Jan 25, 05
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what the difference between a young guy havin sex and an old guy havin sex?
The young guy can do it all night and the old guy takes all night to do it! ^^Thats a joke some grandpa told me when I was babysittin his grand kids and he lived downstairs... :s creepy
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Jan 25, 05
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an indian chief sits in his chair and a young boy from the tribe goes up to him and asks "how do you name a child when they are born?" and then chief replies, i name then by what I see when they are born, if i see a hawk flying his name shall be Hawk Flying Over or if its snowing his name shall be Snow Gently Falling... but Two Dogs Fucking... why do you ask?"
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Jan 25, 05
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this is one of my fave jokes... its kinda cheesy tho...
a man goes to the bar one night with his giraffe, they go up to the counter and start getting drinks. they get completely shitfaced and when everyone starts leavin at the end of the night the man gets up and stumbles towards the door. The bartender calls out just before the man reaches the exit " Hey you cant leave that lyin' around here!" and the drunk man looks at him stupidly and says " Hey buddy its not a lion its a giraffe!"
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Jan 25, 05
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A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.
He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God." she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus." With that the nun turns around and says, "HA@! i'm the BUS DRIVER@!#
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Jan 25, 05
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^^^ HAHAHAHAHA thats fricken hilarious haha
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Jan 25, 05
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ohh now its time for the oldest trick in the book... well joke... lol
A guy walks into a bar.... Ouch... Woh Woh lol
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Jan 25, 05
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^^ haha, I had a good one and then I went blank so I just wrote that one lol...
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Jan 25, 05
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[thick chinese accent] yo mom soooo faaaaat... dat wheeen she jump fo jooooi...... she got stuck [/thick chinese accent]
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Jan 25, 05
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Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
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Jan 26, 05
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Quote:
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Jan 26, 05
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I don't remember the rest of this joke at all, but the punch line goes something like this...
When the fly lands in the Irish man's beer, the man grabs it by the wings, pulls it out, shakes it off and yells "Spit it out... SPIT IT OUT!!!!".
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Jan 26, 05
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This one was really popular when I was in school...
Q: What do McDonalds and Micheal Jackson have in common? A: They both stick their meat in 8 year old buns.
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Jan 26, 05
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Quote:
A fly lands lin the Englishmans drink. He pushes it away in digust. Another fly lands in the scottsmans drink. He plucks it out and drinks his beer. A third fly lands in the irishmans drink. "insert punch line here"
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Jan 26, 05
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Here's an old one......
A marine and a navy seal walk in to the bathroom and each take a piss......when finished the marine goes to leave and the Navy seal goes to wash his hands the navy seal turns to the Marine and says: "in the navy they teach us to wash our hands after we piss" The Marine turns and looks at the Seal and replies: "in the marines they teach us not to piss on our hands" and a secound one..... a man is walking down the beach and hears this woman crying. He goes up to her and sees she has no arms and no legs and asks why she's crying. the woman says: "I'm 30 years old, I have no arms, no legs and I've never been kissed" So the man bends down and picks her up and gives her a kiss. Then sets her back down and starts to walk away. As he's walking away he hears her crying again so he goes back and asks why she's crying this time. She replys: "I'm 30 years old, I have no arms, no legs and I've never been screwed" So he picks her up and throws her into the water and says: "Your screwed now!"
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Jan 26, 05
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What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
-His wheelchair! Little Girl: Mother! What's a Lesbian? Mother: I don't know. Ask your father. Maybe _she_ knows! Whaddya call a gay Jew? - A He-Blew How do you know if a Teamster is dead? - Drops his doughnut. Whaddya call a gay Spaniard? - A Senior-Eatah How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? -That's NOT funny!!! Frosty (~ba-dam*pshhhh*~)
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