|
|||||||
| Coffee Lounge Talk amongst other community members. |
 |
|
|
LinkBack | Topic Tools | Rate Topic |
Jan 23, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
Jokes 2005 Thread!
Let me start!
A guy walks into a grocery store and picks up, chips, pop, some microwave dinners, and some plastic plates & cutlery. We walks up to the cashier and drops everything on the conveyer belt. The female cashier eyes over the products he want's to purchase and says 'so, you're a bachleor huh?' the guy looks down at his groceries and chuckles 'heh, gee how'd you guess?' The cashier replies 'Because you're fucking ugly'. Haha. 
|
|
Jan 23, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
single girl makes it better,
|
|
Jan 23, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
my dad told me this one.
two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and start comparing stories on how they died. 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: how horriable! 1st woman: it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finnaly died a peacful death, what about you? 2nd woman: I died of a masive heart attack, I suspected my husband was cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act, but instead, I found him all by himself in teh den watching TV. 1st woman: so what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure that there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement, then I went through every closed and checked under all the beds, I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted the I just keeled over with a hear attack and died! 1st woman: too bad you didn't look int he freezr. We'd both still be alive.
|
|
Jan 23, 05
|
||||
|
||||
|
^ Good one!!!
|
|
Jan 23, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
A girl walks into a grocery store and picks up, chips, pop, some microwave dinners, and some plastic plates & cutlery. she walks up to the cashier and drops everything on the conveyer belt. The male cashier eyes over the products she want's to purchase and says 'so, you're a bachleorette huh?' the girl looks down at her groceries and chuckles 'heh, gee how'd you guess?' The cashier replies 'Because you're fucking ugly'
that's better
|
|
Jan 23, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
okay, I found these ones too, I think there both funny.
Texas sex... two texans were out on the range talking aobu their favorite sex positions. One said," I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." " I dotn think I have ever heard of the one," said the other cowboy. "what is is?" " well is's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in you hands and wisper in her ear, 'boy, these feel just like your sister's.' then you try and stay on for 8 seconds." and fix'n the outhouse Ma was in the kitchen fiddling aroudn when she hollers out... "pa, you ndeed to go out and fix the outhouse." pa replies, " there ain't nuthing wrong with the outhouse." ma yells back, " yes there is, now git out there and fix it." so...... pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, " ma there ain't nuthin wrong witht he outhouse!" ma replies, "stick your head in the whole!" pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" ma says, "ya have to stick your head in that hole to see what to fix." So with that, pa sticks his head in the hole, looks aroudn and yells back, " ma there aint nuthing wrong with this outhouse!" pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, the starts yelling, " ma help! my beard is stuck in the cracks int he toilet seat!" to which ma replies,......." Hurts, dont it?"
|
|
Jan 24, 05
|
||||
|
||||
|
^ i dont get the last part of ur second joke...?
okay nevermind its been explained to me lol Last edited by ~Sc@ndelu$~; Jan 24, 05 at 12:10 AM.
|
|
Jan 24, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
|
|
Jan 24, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. The first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?"
The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?" The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute. What does KFC and a woman have in common? Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a greasy box to put your bone in.
|
|
Jan 24, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three
sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
|
|
Jan 24, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
A female reporter visits an Indian tribe and arranges an interview with the chief. Noticing his headress, she asks why he wears so many feathers.
"Me fuck all squaws. Fat squaws, skinny squaws, old squaws, all squaws". The woman says,"You oughta be hung." "Mmm me hung good. Big like buffalo, long like snake." Getting upset,the woman says "There's no need to be so hostile." "Mmmm me fuck 'em horse style, doggy style, bear style, any style." Totally upset now, the woman just says "Oh dear!" "Mmmm no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast"
|
|
Jan 24, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming come back with a wattermelon!"
|
|
Jan 25, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
A Canadian is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. American: "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?" Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course." American: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In America, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American has a smirk on his face. The Canadian listens in silence. The American persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??" Canadian: "Of Course." American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Canada." The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?" American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk. Canadian: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" American: "We throw them away, of course." Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."
|
|
Jan 25, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
Q: Why doesn't Grandpa eat out Grandma anymore?
A: Have you ever tried to pull grilled cheese apart? Gross.
|
|
Jan 25, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
|
|
Jan 25, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
|
|
Jan 25, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
(i'm doing this 1 from the top of my head...so dont get mad if its not all there)
One day a college professor asked his students to raise their hands if they believed in ghosts, 1/2 of his class did. "okay, out of you that raised your hands, how many have actually seen a ghost" said the professor, about 15 students kept their hand up. "not too bad, but out of you people how many have actually touched a ghost" asked the professor once again, and about 6 people hand their hand raised still "okay, last question, how many of you have had sex with a ghost" and one person had their hand up still "you, in the back, come up here for a minute" said the professor to the student so he comes walking up to the front of the class "you mean to tell us that u've actually had sex with a ghost?" the student replies "Ghost?, i thought u said goat"
|
|
Jan 25, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders,
using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavour. The children began to say: "Red - cherry" "Yellow - lemon" "Green - lime" "Orange - orange" Finally, the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste. Well he said, "I'll give you a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Oh My God! - they're assholes."
|
|
Jan 25, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
^^hah i havent heard that one in a while
|
|
Jan 25, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
um...
FnK's Humor Forum - Crack me up Mofo eh... when In Rome: The Circus is in town and it's marching through the streets. As it passes through it goes along side of a nunnery. Sister Janis is looking out the window excitedly at the circus. Sister Janis loves the circus a LOT, finally the clowns are passing by, clowns are her favorite so she leans far FAR out the window to get a good look, suddenly she slips an crashes down on a clown knocking them both unconcious. After a while the parade passes without anybody noticing them nun unconcious ontop of the clown. Eventutally the clown wakes up and at the same time so does Sister Janis. The Clown stares at her and exclaims: "Well this is Virgin on the Ridiculous!"
|
|
Jan 25, 05
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
|
